An accidental slip can cost us our relationship with a loved one. Why is it useless to ask for forgiveness and how to restore lost trust?
Recently I was asked how to regain the trust of a loved one. I was going to answer … and thought.
The question itself is questionable. Trust is not something that is given, taken or returned. This property of contact between two people, and it is born in the process of communication. If a person trusts a stranger from the very beginning, then something is wrong with his way of interacting with the environment.
The new and the unknown carries a threat, and it is reasonable to take a closer look first. Trust can be issued «on credit», but in such cases they usually risk something that is not terrible to lose.
A common context for talking about lost trust is the relationship between friends and lovers. In such relationships, there are a number of unspoken agreements: to be faithful, to keep one’s word, not to harm a friend or loved one. But beyond the universal principles, the unspoken requirements can be unique—and very idiosyncratic.
One girl, speaking of her boyfriend’s «faithful trust», pointed out that he was dancing with another as an example of betrayal. But after all, no one told him that he signed the agreement «to dance only with his girlfriend.» There are many such cases, so it makes sense to clarify: does the partner know about the expectations, compliance with which is charged to him as a duty?
But let’s dwell on the most common cases: treason, lies, failure to fulfill promises. How to regain his trust, if it is a mistake, and not a consistent break in relations?
Forgiveness does not fix the situation. It doesn’t undo the pain it’s caused or restore trust.
The wrong way is to seek forgiveness. There are two roles in this scenario: the criminal and the judge, who is also the accuser. The offender has already been convicted and can only bribe the judge in order to mitigate or cancel the sentence. So is the partner who “redeems”, in fact, is trying to bribe the other. In this situation, there is a lot of latent anger on the part of the guilty and open — on the part of the one from whom they are trying to achieve forgiveness.
But forgiveness doesn’t fix the situation. It does not undo the pain caused or restore trust. It will not work and «earn the trust again.» Here again there are two non-equilibrium roles: the applicant for mercy and the one who condescendingly evaluates his efforts. «You don’t try hard!» — an advantageous position that allows you to squeeze as much as possible out of the current situation.
Trust cannot be restored if only one is involved, and the second is in the role of a judge or a ruler sitting on a throne. On the part of the «deceived» — a wave of sadistic aggression, a desire to trample on the one who stumbled. On the part of the «traitor» — anger, growing as one after another fails attempts to regain trust.
In this scenario, forgiveness or «newly earned trust» is a sham, and it becomes apparent when the offender is reminded of his past sins, knowing exactly where his pain point is. The feeling of one’s own «innocence» and the «sinfulness» of another destroys any relationship and nullifies any dialogue.
Rebuilding trust is a two-way process. If both partners are willing to do it, then it is possible. Not «how to regain your trust», but «what do we do with our relationship, in which it is lost.» And here the quality that arises only in the mutual movement towards each other is important: sincerity.
Healing power has genuine contact, manifested in dialogue, in the willingness to change one’s point of view.
It is possible to sincerely talk about your pain from the fact that you have caused suffering to a loved one only when, on the contrary, you are not a judge or a ruler, but a similarly suffering person. Openness to someone else’s experience allows you to feel its sincerity, and avoiding conversation into accusations or self-flagellation blocks sensitivity.
Trust cannot be earned, it can only be born again: through the contact of two open, naked consciousnesses, when you feel there is no subtext, there is no second bottom behind this experience. This can only be felt with the heart — and the head can «forgive» as much as you like.
What’s next? Talk about your relationship, about explicit and implicit agreements in them, about what can be changed. The healing power is the contact of two people — a genuine contact that manifests itself in dialogue, in the willingness to change one’s point of view, and not to convince the interlocutor or force him to do what you want.