How to recover from partner abuse?

According to one survey conducted in Russia*, physical violence in the family is tolerated by 39% of fellow citizens. It is hardly surprising that men predominate among them. Many believe that this problem does not need to be solved at the state level or even brought up for general discussion. The excuse “she brought it on her own” is also quite common, and not only in Russia.

The problem of domestic violence is global, it is periodically trumpeted by European and American media. Psychologists from the United States note the need to work with victims – according to some reports, 25% of women found themselves in the position of a victim.

“We met in a common company, he was charming – he played the guitar, sang, said compliments, escorted him home, and messages with all sorts of “mimimi” immediately poured in. He was a master at this. We got together very quickly, love was just crazy – I rushed to him and eventually left my parents with a scandal – they were against us starting to live together so quickly.

I was 18 years old, he was 25. Apart from school hobbies, it was my first love. No, not like that – Love with a capital letter. But it quickly became clear that he did not tolerate when they contradicted him. I was assigned responsibilities – not only at home, but also in sex and in communication.

The first time he scared me was when he yelled at me in the morning because I was lying wrong and he was uncomfortable. Then he cooled down and even apologized. However, the cry became more and more, with or without reason. Sometimes I did not know what the reaction to a completely simple thing would be.

For example, he wanted guests to come to us and I cooked sushi. I replied that I did not know how, and offered to order (at my expense). He gave me a tantrum, practically convincing me that I was worthless as a woman and hostess. When visiting, he was nice to me – it even seemed to me that I had just gone crazy and this quarrel did not exist at all. But she was. And others too.

I guess I’m used to the fact that it can explode. I did not immediately notice that I live in constant fear. When at some point he punched me in the face, I began to collect things. He took away the phone and did not let me call his parents, locked him in the apartment and left with the key. Then he returned and, sobbing, began to shout to me that I was betraying him, that I did not really love him and never loved him, and so on. I should have felt guilty.

After a day of clarifying the relationship, I was in such an exhausted state that I reconciled. But she didn’t forgive. It’s just… like it didn’t matter, as long as he stops. I left a month later, after he grabbed a knife in a quarrel. It was as if I had been overwhelmed. Thought he could kill me. And that it would be so … stupid, or something. This is how to die. And something rose up in me, some kind of protest.

I tried to make up with him for appearances and waited for him to leave. She left things in her bag and quietly ran home. I never told my parents about everything – they think we just quarreled and broke up. I’m ashamed to say – after all, I myself got into such a dirty trick.

The story of Irina (name changed at the request of the girl) is not unique. Unfortunately, breaking up with a rapist doesn’t mean it’s over. The problem is that these situations tend to be severely traumatic and the effects remain for many years, if not a lifetime.

Love relationships, which should be based on trust, good feelings and security, have turned into a battlefield for the victims, where strength is on the side of the enemy, and psychological and sometimes physical wounds remind of themselves for a long time. Difficult memories, nightmares, emotional outbursts, panic attacks – the experienced experience results in the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

Irina’s subsequent relationships did not work out – even consciously choosing safe men, she experienced fear every time the need arose to refuse or disagree with them. Certain words or situations became triggers and caused panic or aggressive reactions in her, to the surprise of new partners.

The fact is that in most of these cases, the adaptive mechanism of the psyche is avoidance. The brain tries to minimize the hard feelings and stress associated with traumatic events and gives the command to “run”, metaphorically or literally. In the behavior of the former victim, this can manifest itself as withdrawal into oneself up to external “insensitivity” when there is a hint of a conflict or another variant of distancing.

In some cases, the person is incapable of trust and intimacy and runs away from the relationship, even if there is no violence or abuse in reality. For this reason, avoidance interferes with adaptation – it increases the social isolation of a person. It also does not contribute to healing from trauma, since the only way to “cure” from the consequences of domestic violence is by entering into a safe trusting relationship.

In the process of trauma therapy, they can line up with a psychotherapist, and quite often, as a result of long work, the victim is freed from the past, gaining the ability to build new relationships. And hard experience no longer interferes, but helps to be careful and not choose potentially dangerous partners.

On both sides of the ocean, domestic abuse continues to be stigmatized. Victims often do not dare to go anywhere. Like Irina, they feel shame, voluntarily sharing responsibility for the situation with the rapist.

Some people were brought up with the idea that this is normal. Often the environment is such that there is nowhere or no one to run for help. Sometimes people just don’t know where to turn to. As already mentioned, in response to a revelation, they can hear something in the spirit of “she brought it herself”, “do not take dirty linen out of the hut”, “we endured – and you will endure”, and so on.

“The topic is complex and needs to be developed,” says Gestalt therapist Anastasia Gurneva. – There should be legislation that would guarantee punishment for violence, especially in the family.

The consciousness of people is gradually changing, many stories are brought up for discussion by the media and are no longer perceived as the norm. Encouraging changes can come into play when a person decides to leave an abusive relationship and go public with their story. Sometimes there is a personal meaning in this – stop hushing up, stop violence, return responsibility for what happened to the aggressor. After all, in order to make a statement, you need a lot of courage and readiness to meet with condemnation – “beats, then loves”, “she is to blame” and other shame.

It’s good that now there are organizations that are ready to help – for example, the Violence.Net Foundation can provide free legal advice, provide free psychological assistance, and support by participating in support groups. Programs of psychological work with the abusers themselves are being developed, but so far in few places.

As for psychological assistance to victims, it will be different at different stages. If a woman is still in a toxic relationship, it is important to help her recognize that she is in a “cycle of abuse.” Show how and why these cycles repeat themselves.

For example, in Irina’s story, the reconciliation phase is associated with exhaustion after the conflict and the abuser’s promises that this will not happen again. Then comes the phase of rapprochement, which turns into a “honeymoon”, then the tension grows again – and everything repeats.

It is important for the victim to understand at what stage of the cycle she is now. This understanding will help to see the relationship from the outside, to detect a clear repetition of situations and think about the choice: is it really worth it?

If the relationship ended recently, comprehensive support is important. It often turns out that during the relationship, ties with friends, relatives and other people who could help in word and deed were severed. The victim often loses a sense of his autonomy, it can be difficult for him to find the strength to learn to live anew, outside of the relationship – not for the sake of another, but for himself.

It is important to look for new reasons for self-esteem, self-confidence – on the psychological level, housing and work – on the material level. If the old relationship has been broken off for a long time, but still “glows” with fears, preventing you from building happy new ones, then you can work with a psychologist. Explore what security is, how to recognize it in a relationship, whether it is possible to relax if there is no absolute trust. And it, obviously, does not happen one hundred percent in any relationship of two adults.

Also an important direction in working with a specialist is how to let go of memories associated with past relationships, forgive yourself, appropriate power for yourself. After all, in fact, the woman was saved long ago and is no longer there, so why do we need vigilance, distrust now, what function do they perform in the current relationship? How do they prevent intimacy relationships from arising?

It is extremely important to comprehend what experience was gained in those relationships. How is the world of the victim different now, is there enough support, self-confidence, closeness with other people in it? What does she want from the present, what kind of relationship? Do they exist now, can you afford to settle down in them, like at home, without looking back at your partner all the time, waiting for a repeat of the traumatic story?

If you have been a victim of domestic violence, you can seek support by calling the following numbers:

• Unified hotline of the Ministry of Emergency Situations +7 (495) 400-99-99;
• Moscow psychological assistance service +7 (499) 173-09-09.
• Center for dealing with the problem of violence “Violence. No”: 8 (495) 916-30-00;
• Independent Charitable Center for Helping Survivors of Sexual Violence “Sisters”: 8 (499) 901-02-01;
• The first All-Russian free helpline for women who have experienced domestic violence: 8 (800) 700-06-00.

^* A survey of 1792 people was conducted by phone by Mikhailov & Partners. Analytics” in March 2019. 2/3 of respondents believe that women provoke rapists themselves, 31% – that a solution is needed at the state level, 29% – for public discussion, 40% called domestic violence one of the most important social problems.