How to reconcile with a loved one

If you decide to take the first step towards meeting, it is important first of all to evaluate your own feelings. As a rule, in a state of resentment, you think that:

• It’s all the other party’s fault. If the partner felt guilty, he himself would ask for reconciliation. If this does not happen, he most likely has a different opinion, and you will not achieve the desired result.
• You are to blame. It is worth the first to initiate a conversation. Better if it was a personal meeting.
• Both are to blame. The most common case. Do not think that by offering to reconcile first, you show weakness. On the contrary, it is a manifestation of maturity that puts you in a stronger position. An important aspect is how much the partner is ready to move forward.
• You don’t understand what happened and why the person was offended. In the depths of our souls, we always feel it, it’s just that we don’t like to think about it. So we unconsciously repress the problem, pretending that nothing happened between us.

How to prepare for a conversation

Think about how exactly you are ready to speak: in a letter, on the phone or in person. For final reconciliation, it is always necessary to talk face to face. In order to better understand you, you need to realize what feelings a partner may experience. The technique of the third chair, which is used in Gestalt therapy, is well suited for this. You state your claims, and then you sit down on an empty chair and try to look at yourself through the eyes of a loved one. Remember the arguments that he, in turn, can express.

How to build a dialogue

“From the very beginning, show that you care about the feelings of the interlocutor. He will understand that he will be heard, and calm down, — says Veronika Stepanova. “Then you can move on to your feelings and state your own vision of the situation. At the end of the conversation, a consensus must be reached.

The dialogue might sound like this: “I understand that you don’t like that I’m not attentive enough, I’m yelling at you all the time. Please forgive me». It is important to apologize — this way you immediately relieve tension and endear yourself to the interlocutor. “You probably feel abandoned, unloved” — you let a loved one know that you share his feelings. Then talk about what you want yourself: “It is so important for me to know that you love me. I can’t feel or understand it. I’m tired of jealousy and pain. Let’s come to a common decision together with you ”- you give the other side the opportunity to offer something.

How not to look weak

Perhaps from time to time you forgive your partner. How to make sure that the second half is not used to the fact that you are always ready to be the first to go to reconciliation? It is important to observe positive and negative reinforcement. If your partner really makes you happy, tell him how much you appreciate it. However, when he breaks the deal, keep your word and end the relationship if that was your decision.

It seems to us that if a person loves, he will do everything to resolve the conflict. However, his feelings can be overcome by the unwillingness to take part of the responsibility for what happened or the fear of losing the position of the offended, and therefore right. In this case, you should not make repeated attempts at reconciliation and persuasion. This is the choice of another person, and he is responsible for it.

Willingness to change

Formulate a request for yourself — what exactly do you want to extract from the conversation? “Often people think: “I want the other half to change, and then everything will be fine,” says the psychologist. — Desires or persistent claims will not help. Only daily, interested interaction with a person can change the imbalance. You should always start with yourself: you are changing in relation to a loved one, and he is changing with you. This will take time, patience and mutual readiness to move towards each other.” Conflicts will inevitably be repeated, the important thing is how you learn to get out of them.