How to Reconcile After an Argument: 5 Steps (with Pictures)

STEP 1. Remove the mask

During the day, you are in a variety of roles: wife, colleague, daughter, mother … Each such role has rights and responsibilities.

Social masks can literally capture us, and then during the conflict phrases fly by: “You are a bad mother!”, “What kind of man are you?”, “I ask you like a daughter, and you …” This means that your roles are quarreling and it’s time to abandon them, take off the masks, like boring clothes.

Imagine stepping out of your role by stepping back and leaving it in front of you like an uncomfortable space suit. Notice if there was anything useful in this role. For example, if you took off the mask of your wife, then along with her you could also “postpone” love and support. You can imagine that you are “returning” them back to yourself. And what is left, throw it away as unnecessary or hang it in an imaginary closet until you again want to play mother or wife.

Feel what changes have occurred in the body when there is no this exciting role for you? Maybe you feel more relaxed and free? Notice how you now look at the situation.

STEP 2. Be aware of your motivation

There are two types of motivation in any conflict:

• military – the search for the right and the guilty out of pain and fear in order to punish them;

• peaceful – the desire to clarify the needs of another person and find the best solution for two.

You may notice signs of first motivation in yourself or the other person, such as harsh conditions (“it will only be my way!”), pressure attempts, or a childish strategy of resentment in order to prove one’s case.

A military position is also given out by conflict questions:

• Why.. ? (subtext “Who’s to blame?”)

• How can…? (generalization)

• Isn’t it obvious that…? (aggression through the imposition of an opinion)

• Will you ever…? (accusation)

If you go beyond these rigid limits and look at the quarrel as a game situation (not to be confused with mockery), then there will be flexibility and the opportunity to come to an agreement.

By turning on peaceful motivation, you will feel a desire to understand how things really are on both sides and how you can resolve the win-win situation.

STEP 3. Clarify the circumstances

Let’s proceed from the fact that both participants in the quarrel distort reality. Understanding each other’s words and actions in their own way, people react not to reality, but to their assumptions about it.

For example, a quarrel began with your conclusion that a partner’s forgetfulness about an evening together is a direct disrespect for you. And at this time he worked overtime to bring more money to the family, or was distracted by something important to him – and closed in response to your accusations.

Therefore, if the quarrel is in an active phase, postpone your reaction and clarify with the other person how he sees what is happening. It is quite possible that the situation does not have the subtext that you put in.

“Visit” to a different picture of the world with the help of clarifying questions:

• Do I understand correctly that…?

• Can you clarify why you did this?

• How do you see the situation from your side? I want to understand this because maybe I don’t see everything that’s going on.

STEP 4. Admit you understand the person

When they share their vision with you, notice that, most likely, the person did bad things to you not from evil, he did not want to harm or hurt. It’s just that most often we do not notice the needs of another and act only for our own reasons, thereby injuring loved ones.

Confirm that you understand the interlocutor. It’s not the same as taking his side, it’s just acknowledging that you heard him.

After you have recognized the partner’s picture of the world, it will be much easier for him to hear your position. To help him, you can say the following:

• I think I understand now how you see it. Do you want me to tell you how I am?

• It seems that I took it differently and even started to react. Let me tell you how it happened, and we will think about what to do so that this situation does not happen again.

At the same time, pay attention to what exactly you reacted painfully and aggressively to? Was it worth it or were you just tired and irritated? Or maybe these are accumulated expectations that you have been silent about for a long time? Share these realizations with the person, talking only about your feelings.

STEP 5. Come to an agreement

Now look at your relationship in more detail: if you are relatives – from the position of the family, and if, for example, colleagues – from the position of the organization. This perspective helps to see the best option for reconciliation in a quarrel. After all, the main task of any system is to ensure that none of its participants “falls”, is not pushed through, does not become a victim of manipulation.

To do this, your agreement must have room for free choice, sincerity and specificity (what/where/when/why).

For example: “I felt lonely when you forgot about the evening together. How do you look at scheduling time for us in your schedule? For me it would be very meaningful and pleasant. If you are currently busy at work, then I understand, we will move this conversation to the next weekend and think about what can be done. What do you say?”

Any relationship lives while you develop and look at a person from a position of ignorance. So don’t be afraid to fight – it’s an opportunity for growth and a new level of intimacy. In addition, after reconciliation, you have a chance to get to know each other again. This will be the most powerful restart of any relationship, where instead of rigid fixation and fears, there is a dance of intimacy and freedom.

Well, if resentment and fears do not allow you to break into constructive communication, it may be worth recognizing this and contacting a specialist in order to regain control over your condition.