When we meet, our heart flutters… But what does it mean, do I really like this person so much? We are not always sure of the reasons for our excitement. Psychologists name six signs by which you can find out that we are really in love.
It happens that love strikes us like a lightning bolt, and there is no turning back, and everything is immediately clear. This is crazy love at first sight, even if such a passion is destined to burn brightly and for a short time, like a flame on straw. But it happens that love is born gradually, and it takes time to grow and get stronger.
Slow love does not necessarily have less hope for the future. But its manifestations are ambiguous, and sometimes we are at a loss: is it really there, or did it just seem to us?
Such uncertainty does not at all reduce the strength of feelings, but reflects the struggle that develops within us. “A lot of things attract us to each other: recognition, trust, passion, joy,” says family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova. “And almost as many things stand in the way of getting closer: the fear of being dependent, the fear of being rejected, the fear that we are not yet ready.”
Hence this waltz-doubt: a step forward, a step to the side, a step back – often this is how we demonstrate our heightened interest! Let’s try to decipher the signs of this nascent love, which is taking its first steps.
Blush
Often, our body is the first to tell us about love, even if we do not pay attention to the “symptoms”. “We experience anxiety, and our body releases adrenaline, which speeds up the heartbeat and increases sweating,” explains sexologist Ghislain Pari. “At the same time, we experience attraction, and our body releases dopamine, serotonin and endorphins – hormones that have an effect opposite to adrenaline.
These love hormones cause blood vessels to dilate, which is why we get pink cheeks and, less known, our necks. Regardless of us, such a “coloring” attracts glances to us. It should be noted that the neck is a vulnerable part of our body. And when we are in love with someone, then, as in ancient times, we involuntarily tilt our heads to the side, as a sign of trust, opening our defenseless neck to him.
What we cannot express in words, we express with our whole being.
The voice also changes. “As a rule, wanting to seduce someone, women begin to speak in a higher voice, and men in a hoarse one,” explains the sexologist.
Awkwardness
We want to be interesting, but we speak platitudes. We try to impress, but instead we tip the glass…
“I went out to dinner one night at a Lebanese restaurant with a man I really liked,” recalls Marina, 40, a designer. There was a chili pepper on the table among the vegetables, which I mistook for sweet peppers. I bit it off and my tongue was swollen so I couldn’t speak.”
What we cannot express in words, we express with our whole being.
“When we fall in love, both our interlocutor and the situation as a whole acquire great significance for us,” explains Elena Ulitova, “and we begin to fear that we will not be able to match it, and here you are: our unconscious agrees with us, forcing us to commit embarrassment and blunders.
It seems that such behavior is contrary to our goal – after all, we hope to please another. “However, the witness of our mistakes most often understands them correctly,” continues Elena Ulitova, “that is, as a signal: “I care about you, your assessment is important to me!” And if we are at least a little interesting to him, then his sympathy for us will rather increase.
Pretense
Incipient love is full of doubts. And sometimes he tries to hide with the help of funny tricks. We pretend not to notice the call or that the evening is already busy, when in fact we are completely free, and as a result we mope alone. What is behind these oddities?
“The fear that our feelings will be found out, the fear of being rejected,” says sexologist Alain Eril. Our love for ourselves is at stake. These signs are often indicative of low self-esteem.”
Add to this that we are entering uncharted territory, trying to imagine ourselves in the place of another and behaving in a way that we think he would like, while trying to pretend that he is indifferent to us … What could be further from naturalness!
Fortunately, the psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen convinces us: “There is no such strategy that can resist love. It is possible to pretend to be indifferent only if we do not really experience strong feelings.
Embellishment
When we meet someone we like, we turn a blind eye to disagreements and exaggerate coincidences. We are surprised at how much we have in common: “Does your grandmother come from Pskov? “And they took me there as a child …” – and we see this as a sign of fate.
If we feel defeated and it’s not about the mind or the situation, then there should be no doubt – we are in love.
“Love makes our relationships beautiful, and ourselves,” notes Sophie Kadalen, “because thanks to it we idealize ourselves. It’s a side effect, but it can blind us.”
We get lost in the romantic impulse, sometimes sacrificing our connection to reality for it. “Girls tell me that their partner does not tell them “I love you” – but only because he does not think about it. And blindness must have limits!” – strictly emphasizes the psychoanalyst.
Some people believe they are in love, but they are not in love with another person, but with the very idea of love. And in this case, meeting someone becomes just a way to satisfy your expectation, your need. But how do you know when it’s really love? This is when we do not create our feelings, but feelings re-create us.
“If we feel defeated and it’s not in the mind, and not in the situation, and not in ourselves, then there should be no doubt – we are in love! concludes Sophie Kadalen. Love is the most interesting experience of our life. So let’s stop resisting and let it take over.”
Resistance
“No, it’s impossible, he’s not my type! And besides, it’s too early, too late, too … ”Resistance is almost always a sign of nascent love.
“When it comes to a partner who does not meet our conscious criteria, but worries our unconscious, we lose ground under our feet,” Alain Eril reflects. “Confused, we try to come to our senses and return to the right (usual) path at any cost.”
In addition to this, we may be frightened by our own, but such an unusual desire – and we are trying to escape from it. This dizziness is accompanied by a quiet panic – an inner voice whispers to us: “Of course, this is great, but how long will this last? It is better to prevent possible sadness and to refuse happiness for fear that it will not last long, and it will be painful to lose it.
Fantasies about the future
Another sign of nascent love is the tendency to draw scenes of a happy future, even the most mundane ones…
Love is the willingness to give the other a place in your life, not just on the couch.
“When I first met Philip, I immediately imagined how I curled up on the couch, snuggling up to him, and watching my favorite series,” smiles 45-year-old Lyudmila. This kind of projection helps us more calmly accept possible changes in our lives.
“By running a movie inside ourselves in which the other person loves and wants us, we jump over the uncertainty that always accompanies the beginning of a romance,” Sophie Cadalen notes, warning us also against too hasty projections that reflect the desire for love rather than love itself.
“I don’t trust scenarios where the other person is in the frame without taking up a lot of space. Love is the willingness to give the other a place in your life, not just on the couch!”