How to recognize and stop manipulation

Manipulators are able to accurately calculate our weak points and use them against us. With the help of cunning tricks, they are forced to serve their goals to the detriment of our interests. Having succeeded once, they do not leave us alone until we decide to fight back. Being a victim of manipulation is extremely unpleasant. To protect yourself from them, you must follow the safety rules.

1. Remember your rights

Perhaps this is the main rule. You need to be aware of your fundamental rights, be able to track when they are violated, and protect them. Each of us has the right:

• respect from other people
• express feelings, opinions and desires,
• set priorities,
• say “no” without feeling guilty
• get what you paid for
• express views that differ from those of other people,
• protect yourself from physical, moral and emotional threats,
• build your life in accordance with your understanding of happiness.

These fundamental rights mark the boundaries of your personal space.

2. Keep your distance

In communication, the manipulator constantly changes masks: with one person he is emphatically polite, with another he is defiantly rude, in one situation he is absolutely helpless, in another he is extremely aggressive. If you notice that someone is characterized by such extremes, keep a safe distance from this person and try not to make contact with him unnecessarily.

The causes of manipulative behavior are complex and rooted in childhood experiences. It is not your task to correct, re-educate or save the manipulator.

3. Don’t take his words personally.

The task of the manipulator is to play on your weaknesses. It is not surprising if next to him you begin to feel inferior and even blame yourself for not meeting his requirements. Track these feelings and remember that you are not the problem.

You are being manipulated to make you feel like you’re not good enough, which means you’re ready to bend to someone else’s will and give up your rights. Consider your relationship with the manipulator by answering the following questions:

• Does he show me sincere respect?
• How justified are his expectations and demands?
• How balanced are our relations? Maybe only one of us invests in them, and the other one benefits?
• Are these relationships preventing me from feeling good about myself?

The answers to the questions will help you understand who the problem is – in yourself or in another.

4. Ask him security questions

Manipulators overwhelm us with requests or demands, forcing us to forget about ourselves and switch to their needs. When you hear another unreasonable call, shift the focus of attention to the manipulator.

Ask him some follow-up questions. So you will understand whether he has at least some self-criticism to realize the injustice of his claims.

• “Do you think this is a reasonable request (demand)?”
• “Do you think this is fair to me?”
• “Can I have an opinion on this?”
• “Are you asking me or are you asserting?”
• “And what will I get in the end?”
• “Do you really expect me to… (reword his request/demand)?”

By asking these questions, you are, as it were, putting a mirror in front of him, and the manipulator can see in the “reflection” the true meaning of his request. If he has at least a small amount of self-criticism, then most likely he will retreat. Although, of course, there are also completely hopeless characters who will not listen to you and will continue to insist on their own. In this case, use the following tips.

5. Don’t rush!

Another favorite trick of manipulators is to get you to respond or act immediately.

In a situation of lack of time, it is easier for them to manage you and achieve their goals. In the terminology of sales professionals, this is called “Closing the deal.” If you feel that you are under pressure, do not rush to make a decision. Use the time factor to your advantage, distance yourself from trying to pressure you.

You will keep control of the situation by just saying, “I’ll think about it.” These are very powerful words! Take a moment to evaluate the pros and cons and consider whether you want to continue the discussion and reach a fairer agreement, or whether it’s better to say no altogether.

6. Learn to say “no” – diplomatically, but firmly.

The ability to say “no” is an essential part of the art of communication. A clearly formulated refusal allows you to firmly stand your ground, while maintaining normal relations with the counterpart. You have the right to set priorities without feeling guilty.

7. Fight back the bully

Sometimes manipulators go as far as outright bullying, trying to intimidate or harm the victim. The main thing to remember is that such people cling to those who are considered weaklings, passive and compliant.

At the same time, many offenders are cowardly, and as soon as the intended victim begins to show firmness and defend their rights, the manipulator most often retreats. This rule works in any community – at school, in the family, at work.

Studies show that many abusers themselves were once victims of violence. This circumstance, of course, does not justify them, but it is important to remember it in order to treat their attacks more calmly.

When deciding to fight back, maintain your self-respect, involve other people as witnesses or for support, take care of written evidence of unacceptable behavior. When faced with psychological or physical abuse, consult with lawyers. It is necessary to resist the offender together.

8. Tell him about the consequences

In response to a gross invasion of your personal space and unwillingness to hear your “no”, tell the manipulator about the consequences of his actions. The ability to predict and convincingly articulate the possible consequences is one of the most powerful means to take the manipulator out of the game. This confuses him and makes him change his attitude towards you to respect.

About the author: Preston Nee is a communications strategy expert and coach.