Unlike physical violence, emotional violence does not leave obvious traces, which means that its existence is more difficult to prove – both to others and to ourselves. We tell you what to pay attention to.
Let’s start with the main thing: emotional abuse is always a systematic behavior that is repeated from time to time. One, even a very toxic, trick is not yet a sign that an abuser is next to you (although it is likely that others will follow sooner or later).
What is abusive behavior? This is the use of manipulation by a partner and an attempt to humiliate, blame, insult, isolate, embarrass the other in order to gain control over him and make him afraid. Such words and actions affect the self-esteem and mental health of the victim.
The problem with abuse is that, although it is quite easy to recognize from the outside, the victim herself usually does not understand for a long time what kind of unhealthy relationship she is in, or deliberately turns a blind eye to what is happening.
The main signs of such behavior
How do you know if your partner is emotionally abusing you?
1. He demonstrates a desire for limitless control.
The abuser always seeks power and control. So, if a partner is not only deeply immersed in your life, but also tries to regulate your communication, activities, how you look and what you spend money on, this is a reason to be wary.
Here are a few less visible signs of a desire for control:
- the partner requires that you respond immediately to all his requests (questions, requests), including immediately answering calls and messages (and if this does not happen, he loses his temper);
- he/she constantly checks your phone, messages and browsing history;
- often “accidentally” reminds you of what you will lose if you leave;
- quietly isolates you from family and friends, including with the words “they try to suffocate you with their love and do not let you take a step.”
2. He manipulates your feelings into doubting his memories and the reality of what is happening.
This “technique” is called gaslighting, it helps the abuser gain control over you. The gaslighter regularly tells you that you all misremember that some events simply didn’t happen, and he does it so convincingly that in the end you really start to doubt yourself.
Typical gaslighting phrases:
- “You are confusing everything, everything was completely wrong!”;
- “You always make drama out of the blue”;
- “The problem is not worth a damn, stop dwelling on it”;
- “We already discussed this – don’t you remember?”;
- “It’s not my fault that you don’t know how to communicate at all”;
- “I only criticize you because I want the best for you.”
3. He distances himself from you to punish you.
In general, if the topic of “punishment” comes up in a relationship, it’s a clear sign that something is going wrong. The emotional abuser is especially active in the technique of distancing and ignoring.
He greets you with icy silence, treats you like a stranger, refuses sex and touch, and this can last for days or even weeks, and the reason for this is anything – canceled plans or a missed phone call. Often the abuser scares you with such a punishment: “If you do this again, you won’t see me at all again.”
4. He humiliates you in every possible way, in private and in public.
Ruthless criticism, insults, offensive nicknames, sarcastic comments about you – all this has no place in a healthy relationship. If you are trying to defend yourself, then most likely you hear something like:
- “Come on, I was just joking”;
- “It’s just sarcasm”;
- “And why are you so touchy?”;
- “You take everything too seriously”;
- “Looks like someone has a sense of humor problem.”
5. He loves to create chaos
Mood swings, illogical behavior, conflicting messages all help the abuser to play with you. In addition, such a person is likely to:
- arranges quarrels from scratch;
- starts an argument for the sake of an argument;
- contradicts himself;
- denies the facts, even if you have proof.
HOW TO BE GOOD
If you recognize your partner in this description, most experts are likely to congratulate you on this (because it is very difficult to recognize the abuse) and offer to run without looking back. Alas, this is not always easy to do, especially if you have children or are completely financially dependent on your partner (and he most likely took care of this).
However, there are a few steps that can be taken regardless of the situation:
- Talk to family and friends. If you feel uncomfortable discussing this topic with loved ones, seek professional support, such as a free mental health service.
- Build a supportive environment around you: it will help you stop feeling lonely and figure out what to do next.
- Don’t blame yourself. Most likely, the abuser makes you feel like it’s all your fault. This is not true. And absolutely anyone could be in your place.
- Don’t try to change your partner. When we are in love, we try to close our eyes to the shortcomings of the other or naively believe that he will change. Alas, this will not happen, and any attempt will bring you new pain.
- Gather all your strength and leave. Even if you realize that you have been the victim of emotional abuse, getting out of a toxic relationship is incredibly difficult. But you must understand that it will only get worse. Sooner or later, the partner may begin to dissolve his hands. Even if it doesn’t seem that way right now, it’s important to remember that breaking up with an abuser is the path to freedom.
Give yourself time to recover from injury, heal wounds, rediscover yourself. The same safe and supportive environment will help you along the way: friends, family, psychologists, support groups. You are not alone, and you will definitely succeed.