How to recognize a passive-aggressive partner

In fact, they constantly block any undertakings of a partner, and when he loses patience, they calmly ask: “Why are you angry?” Their outward calmness is deceptive. Passive-aggressive behavior is associated with borderline psychopathy, narcissistic personality disorder, negative childhood experiences, and alcohol or drug abuse.

Every passive-aggressive person has at least four of the following symptoms:

– passive resistance to performing routine tasks,

Complaints about being misunderstood and underestimated

– stubbornness and passion for disputes,

– contempt and criticism towards superiors,

– Envy of other people’s success

– frequent exaggerated complaints of unfortunate fate,

– hostility that alternates with remorse.

Passive-aggressive manipulation tactics

It is impossible to communicate honestly and openly with passive-aggressive partners because they use many different manipulation tactics. Here is how such people usually behave:

• refuse to take responsibility, blame others, make excuses, lie and deny the obvious;
• forget about the important – about your birthday, agreements and plans. They never say no, they just don’t do anything;
• procrastinate: they hate schedules and deadlines, procrastinate many times, reschedule tasks, and spend years looking for work;
• prevent you from planning, dreaming and doing, because flaws are found in any of your ideas and activities;
• they never express their point of view and leave the partner to decide what to do, and then they accuse him of controlling everything;
• never express anger openly – they may have been scolded for this in childhood, but with their passive opposition they provoke outbursts of anger in a partner;

• if they still have to do something, they do it so badly that you need to redo everything, at work they constantly make mistakes due to a careless attitude;
• they are constantly late, this is another way for them to say “no”;
• express a negative attitude towards everything that happens: they are gloomy, stubborn and start arguments on any occasion, besides they constantly say that they are not appreciated and not understood;
• portray the victim: they say that the boss and partner constantly control them, demand the impossible from them and devalue what they do;
• let the partner take responsibility for the relationship and life together, because passive-aggressive people are dependent, indecisive and insecure;
• avoid serious conversations: about finances, feelings, sex. They say: “You are always right” or silently leave, leaving the partner alone with problems.

What to do?

Do you understand that at least some of these manipulations are regularly used by your partner? To begin with, evaluate your feelings: if you are trying to get interaction from him, but you get nothing but anger, misunderstanding, and a feeling of powerlessness, your partner is really passive-aggressive.

Try not to react to provocations and pull yourself together. When you swear and get angry, you create a conflict situation – the partner has an excuse, which he sought to again evade responsibility. Reacting emotionally, you take on the role of a parent, and give your partner the role of a rebellious teenager.

Don’t become passive or aggressive, be determined. Talk about dissatisfaction and problems directly. Say “We have a problem” instead of “You are the problem”. Don’t blame or judge your partner – describe the behavior you don’t like, talk about how it affects the relationship, and be very clear about what you want.

If you manage to “pull” proposals from your partner to solve the problem, this is a step forward in getting rid of his passive-aggressive behavior.