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You turned to a psychotherapist for help, but it seems to you that he is an unimportant specialist. But is it really bad or just for you, from your point of view? By what criteria can his work be judged?
We will do our best to avoid possible misunderstandings. If you don’t like a therapist, does that mean he’s really a bad specialist? It is not that simple. After all, the relationship between the therapist and his patient is extremely subjective: one of us may not like the fact that the therapist is silent all the time, while the other, on the contrary, his questions and statements will seem unceremonious.
We are sure that a good therapist is, first of all, a person with whom we feel comfortable, who will support, understand, and offer the best ways to resolve difficulties and troubles. However, if such a feeling does not arise, this does not mean that we have met with a bad specialist.
Unfortunately, we run the risk of being deceived no less if it seems that the therapist is the best and most competent. After all, in search of the ideal, we fall into the power of illusions inspired by the unconscious memory of early childhood charms and disappointments in relationships with parents. And we involuntarily transfer them to the therapist, and therefore we simply cannot see him objectively.
Experiencing difficulties, we seek help from another person, whom we consciously or unconsciously endow with great power.
Sometimes claims of the therapist’s «worthlessness» can only be a convenient excuse to justify abandoning psychotherapy. After all, feeling the need to open up to someone, to share our feelings and fantasies, we often experience excitement and anxiety.
We may be aware that we need the help of a specialist, but we will unconsciously shy away from reviewing our behaviors. Destructive relationships, although they make us suffer, but by force of habit seem to us safer than the uncertainty of the new. This creates psychological resistance. A person in his power is ready to declare all specialists bad — only in order not to be subjected to such an unpleasant, and often painful procedure.
He must respect ethical standards
So is it possible to objectively assess whether the specialist we turned to for help is good or bad? Experiencing difficulties, we seek help from another person, whom we consciously or unconsciously endow with great power: we pin our hopes on him and are convinced that he will help us.
Therefore, we can say that the psychotherapist is bad in one single case — if he abuses power, his influence on us. It is unacceptable to use the patient to improve one’s own social and financial situation, increase self-esteem, or get rid of feelings of loneliness with his help.
Whatever the specialization of the psychotherapist, he must comply with a code of professional ethics and fulfill certain obligations in relation to the patient. The first among them is the preservation of confidentiality, the protection of the patient’s private life from any intrusion of so-called third parties.
The psychotherapist does not have the right to establish friendly or (especially!) sexual relations with the patient. Violation of any of these rules, even if it seems quite harmless, suggests that something is wrong with this specialist.
He should answer your questions
Each method of psychotherapy has its own limitations and rules. For example, in psychoanalytic practice, physical contact between analyst and patient is generally prohibited, in contrast to, say, body psychotherapy. A cognitive therapist will most likely ask you to do your homework, and, for example, a Gestalt therapist will most likely tell you, «Let’s watch what happens in the session.»
Before starting therapy, it is useful to have some understanding of the generally accepted methods of psychotherapy — this will help to avoid pseudo-specialists and outright ignoramuses.
It is necessary to find out about the professional reputation of the psychotherapist to whom you have come for an appointment. At the first meeting, ask him about what training he received, about his specialization, direction or school to which he belongs, about whether he is a member of any association that has its own code of professional ethics.
You should be alert if the therapist refuses to answer these questions. Be careful: at the first appointment, the psychotherapist should offer you to discuss the formal side of your relationship: the frequency of meetings, their duration, price, possible payment for missed sessions.
He must abide by the general rules
Regardless of which method you choose, you, as well as your therapist, will have to follow certain rules. An important role is played by the time, place of the sessions, as well as their cost. Meetings are held in the specialist’s office, not in the fresh air, and certainly not at your home. You must agree on the exact time, and the duration of the session must always be set in advance — usually it is from 45 minutes to 1 hour. Payment must also be agreed. If the amount charged does not seem to match the prices you are aware of, discuss it openly with your therapist.
Be careful if he is not ready to determine how long (he predicts) the treatment will take. Don’t take risks, because therapy is not endless, perhaps in this case you are just a profitable client. But the main thing is that you should not pay for anything other than therapy, which is a service provided by a therapist. Of course, you should not deal with the organization of his personal or business life, as well as the well-being of his relatives or friends.
Is he behaving unusually?
The therapist is not a friend and should not try to become one. So there is absolutely no reason for him to call you at home to tell you about how he spent the weekend, or invite you anywhere … If the therapist offers to come to his place for dinner or makes an appointment outside his office, this should alert you.
If he makes compliments, if you feel you are the object of his admiration, worship, sexual interest, if he himself looks excessively exciting and sexy — leave him. This is not the atmosphere and not the specialist you need. And finally, any unusual behavior, details that are contrary to decency and common sense should alert you: strange and pretentious clothes, scientific or esoteric jargon, familiarity.
When mutual trust is established
By what signs can we be sure that we have found exactly the therapist we need? Ideally, after the very first conversation, there should be a feeling that it has become better, easier on the soul because someone is really listening to us, trying to understand and help. The environment in the office, the appearance of the therapist, the way he greets you, how punctual he is, are all factors that encourage you to trust him.
But if you are in doubt, it is best to talk to him about it. A good therapist will take your doubts and use them to figure out together where your old, stereotyped fears and attitudes appear, and where he really does something wrong. This will be another step towards establishing (or restoring) trust. A bad therapist is more likely to ignore your doubts or come up with an excuse for himself. So you will have the feeling that he does not understand you and does not even hear you.