We decided to keep the couple, leaving the partner’s betrayal in the past. But what to do with those experiences and thoughts that capture us? What to do if you are tempted to compare yourself with the one with whom they cheated on us? Or reproach the traitor for the tenth time? Let’s sort it out in order.
Sometimes it seems that it is enough to hug each other, ask for forgiveness, and feelings will flare up again, and difficult events will be forgotten like a bad dream. But it only seems. We experience betrayal as a serious psychological trauma. A whole avalanche of feelings falls upon us: resentment, fear, devastation, aggression, guilt.
“The day I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I barely made it to work, my legs gave way,” recalls 34-year-old Victoria. – I could not even concentrate on the usual tasks, I wanted to scream, then sob. I was filled with rage, I made plans for revenge on my mistress, imagined how to change myself in response. And in the next moment I thought that too much connects us, and decided to fight for the family.
In most cases, the affected partner perceives betrayal as a betrayal, inexplicably committed by loved ones. “A permanent partner is important for us not only because we are attached to him, he is included in our support system along with other relatives and close friends,” says psychotherapist Irina Solovieva.
“And when he does an act that violates the idea of him and the quality of the relationship with him, it strikes at our stability, at how confident we feel. We’re losing our balance.” In an instant, the whole picture of the world changes.
proceed in stages
To regain stability, we have to isolate some of the feelings from the storm of emotions that knocks us down, and gradually deal with them. One of the strongest feelings is resentment. “We chose someone else. And this hits hard on basic narcissism – the feeling of being good, – continues Irina Solovyova. “The basis of resentment is repressed anger, and this is dangerous, because repressed feelings lead to a violation of contact with oneself, health problems.”
However, we are afraid to express our anger to the culprit, as this can lead to a complete break, and we do not want to completely destroy the connection that we cherish. “Divide your resentment into parts, highlight what, in your opinion, is really important to talk with your partner as soon as possible,” the therapist recommends.
– And show this part to your partner, choosing the right time for this, when both of you can listen to each other calmly. And live the other with yourself, share your feelings with loved ones, go for a consultation with a psychologist.
A sense of self-worth also suffers – self-doubt and doubts about one’s own attractiveness arise
“The best thing we can do for ourselves is to be honest. Ask yourself: How has cheating affected your self-esteem? Try to find the weak link and understand what you are not sure about, Irina Solovyeva suggests.
– So, many women think: “I’m too fat,” “I’m bored with me,” and men think that “women only like machos,” “I don’t earn enough and I can’t provide my woman the way she deserves.” But the partner once chose you and wanted to build a relationship. And despite the betrayal, stays with you. Ask him or her to talk about what attracts him to you, what is valuable in your relationship.
Some make a plan of action that will help increase self-esteem regardless of the partner. “I was often reproached for inattention, and I want to correct this, I found training videos on active listening, I am practicing,” says 28-year-old Alexei. He strives to hear his girlfriend better, and is also going to change jobs, moving into sales.
cure fears
After the betrayal, the victim often has fears: “What will happen if the betrayal is repeated? Why did the loved one choose someone else? We compare ourselves with a competitor or competitor, we study their profiles in social networks. But such a comparison is often futile.
If the third party is “better than us”, we fall into despair, and if “worse”, we fall into bewilderment, which prompts us to look for hidden motives instead of devoting energy to analyzing the relationship in a couple.
The fear of repeated betrayal can spread to other systems of relationships, projected onto someone else’s life, prompting to intervene. “My younger sister is getting married, and I immediately warned her that her husband needs to be monitored: browse pages on social networks, set geolocation on a smartphone,” says 29-year-old Maria. “I don’t want her to suffer from the infidelity of her beloved, as happened to me.”
Sometimes we try to alleviate our pain by saying to ourselves, “Change everything,” but this only makes it harder to relate to others. “Imagine an imaginary boundary that separates a particular situation from the rest of life, and try not to spread the fear of betrayal beyond it,” recommends Irina Solovieva.
“This will help you calm down and not provoke a cheating partner: believing that all men cheat, you will trust your partner less, perhaps, you will totally increase control, and the distance between you will inevitably increase.”
stop CIRCULAR RUN
Under the influence of stress, feelings and thoughts can become obsessive (obsessive). And without wanting it ourselves, we begin to scroll through the circumstances associated with betrayal in our heads, day after day. We see what is happening as if in reality or we think out what could happen.
“I heard a snippet of a conversation that my husband had on the phone behind a closed door: “Darling, I congratulate you on the first thunderstorm.” Already at the next roll of thunder, the image of his mistress stood before my eyes. I completed the dialogues myself and for a long time could not get rid of this vision, ”says 28-year-old Elizabeth.
How do you deal with stuck thoughts and feelings?
“Describe on paper the images that disturb you in detail and as much as you need until it becomes easier. Such a monotonous, routine action allows you to remove obsession and is often used in the work of psychotherapists, – says Irina Solovyova. “You can cry your emotions, dance, express through movement, write in a diary, do everything to relax and relieve tension.”
And it is better to communicate with a partner in a calm, stable state. Report, if necessary, what is bothering you, but in general terms, focusing on feelings, and not on imaginary pictures. Tell me how infidelity hurt you. Listen to what your partner has to say in response.
Once you have listened and forgiven your cheating partner, try not to revisit this conversation, no matter how hard it may be.
“If you feel that a situation is possible when you again want to remember the traitor’s “past merits,” warn him about this,” recommends psychotherapist and sexologist Anna Koteneva, “just say: “I want to find the strength to forgive. But perhaps there will be moments of weakness associated with some other experiences, and I will remind you of betrayal. Such an agreement will make the relationship more honest.”
FILL DEFICIENCY
There will come a time when we feel that we are not so overreacting to memories of infidelity. So, it’s time to think about why the triangle appeared and how to avoid it in the future. Sexual and emotional infidelity is most often caused not so much by the desire for sex with a new partner, but by a psychological deficit, for example, the inability to talk about one’s discontent in a couple.
In any relationship there is not only a positive component, but also a negative one: unexplained grievances, jealousy, mismatch of expectations that accumulate like a snowball. It is difficult for some to talk about this, but as a result, a zone of silence forms in the couple, which separates the partners.
“The inability to directly express feelings to a partner leads to distrust, and sexual intimacy implies openness and vulnerability, and trust is simply necessary for her,” emphasizes Irina Solovyova. – Without trust, the quality of sex life decreases, it becomes difficult to open up and enjoy.
Unspokenness can lead to the fact that a third element appears on which one can lean: just as a sick leg needs a stick for support, a dyad needs a lover (who) can complain or make claims.
Relationships may also lack some feelings and their manifestations.
Men often lack respect, recognition of merit, admiration from a partner. Many women say that in long-term relationships they want more romanticism and tenderness. It is difficult for a partner who has suffered from infidelity to think about what the other may need. But filling in deficits helps keep the relationship going.
Cheating is a test for a couple. She tests the strength of the relationship in the dyad, – says Anna Koteneva. – Treason can occur only where there is a good reason for this. We bring problems into relationships that are rooted in the scripts, beliefs, and traditions of parental families. A lot has to be revised so that the couple can develop and someone else does not appear in the dyad.”
A crisis can take a couple’s relationship to a new level. But only on condition that we are ready to work on ourselves, openly talk about our worries and be attentive to each other’s feelings. By remembering how easy it is to hurt loved ones, we increase our chances of maintaining a monogamous relationship for the long haul.
The cheaters cry too
The wrong partner, who decides to keep the main couple, not only rethinks his relationship, but also worries. Family psychologist, author of several books Yulia Vasilkina describes his feelings and tells what to do with them.
- Suffering, longing for “that”, “that”. Memories of follies, dates, smells, touches, great sex come. Sometimes there is a desire to return everything, call, meet again. This is how emotional attachment manifests itself, and you need to give it time to loosen.
- Mourning. The adaptation process necessary to learn to live without someone who was important to us. Mourning has its own terms, it cannot be “turned off” simply by an effort of will.
- Joy and relief. The situation of double life and deceit is finally over. No more lying.
- The wines. Self-blame can lead to despondency and loss of energy. It is more useful if the guilt finds an outlet in sympathy for the partner and actions. The cheater can do for the partner what is important for him: participate in household chores, take more care of the children, give gifts, care.
- Nadezhdathat “everything will be fine” now. Sometimes the period after the betrayal becomes a new “honeymoon”, but it will pass without a trace if you do not work on the relationship.
- Irritation. Occurs when a partner (sha) recalls betrayal, asks about the details and is interested in: “In what way is he (a) better than me?” Anger and guilt often go hand in hand.
- Feeling right. “Yes, there was a betrayal, but it is not accidental, in marriage I did not get (a) what I need.” If a partner waits for the damage to be acknowledged, but instead receives “rejoice that I am with you,” this is the ground for conflict.
- Fears. Often associated with other possible losses.
The wrong partner will have to cope with emotions on his own: the victim is too immersed in his own experiences and cannot provide support.
Name what you are experiencing, think about how to express feelings so that they do not become destructive for you and for the couple. Take paper and describe what you are experiencing, draw, shout in the forest. Tell someone you trust and who will understand and support you. And treat yourself kindly.