Some talk about a wonderful gift, others about every second search, and others about work at all. But at the same time, they all mean the same thing — pleasure in sex.
“The boundaries between his body and mine seem to melt, melt, and we ourselves merge with the whole world. It’s too much happiness, it’s hard to describe, hard to even experience. It seems that just a little more — and I will lose consciousness … ”The young woman who told us about this claims that she experienced this only three times in her life: at moments of special emotional upsurge and in the arms of a passionately loved person. A sexual ecstasy of this intensity is as exceptional as a mystical ecstasy.
“The pinnacle of pleasure is the state of closest proximity to the divine,” says sexologist Xavier Boke. This is how representatives of all religions think. And when love is added to such happiness, it can be practically spiritual communication. But this cannot happen on command and every day.”
But what does «this» mean? And are we all talking about the same thing? Alas, it is impossible to check.
Is it for love?
Most of the men and women interviewed by Psychologies believe that there is no real sexual pleasure without love. But our experts strongly disagree with this. “No, love is not obligatory,” says sexologist and psychotherapist Irina Panyukova bluntly. “You can enjoy sex with sympathy, respect, or even nothing at all. And this applies to both men and women. There are people whose sex is destroyed by the introduction of love and tenderness, because in their model of relationships, intimacy excludes sexual intimacy.
For such people, impersonal sex and tenderness apart from it are preferable. However, even among the people we interviewed, not everyone insists on love. “I think it all depends on the ability to give all the best, to give yourself away,” says 40-year-old married Alex. “If you know how, then short relationships can be very pleasant and harmonious, even if you will never see this person again.”
It is difficult to describe the peak of experiences. For Ivan, this is «when pleasure is not concentrated in one place and spreads everywhere.» For Lyudmila, this is «the desire to love, to give yourself all.» For Alice, «just making love to someone you love.» For Alexey — «the feeling that you suddenly learned something very secret and important about another person.»
And Sonya recalls moments of inexpressible tenderness immediately after sex. “I love sex itself, its energy,” Sonya says, “but I would call real pleasure the seconds immediately after, when the bodies rest, they seem to become weightless. At the same time, thoughts take their place, anxieties dissipate … «
Alchemy of skin and words
Why do we feel light and capable of anything with one person, and become clumsy, “wooden” with another? This is the result of thousands of different causes, many of which we simply have no control over, while their power over us is much stronger than we think. This is the feeling of the skin of another person, his smell, trust in a partner, intellectual community, similarity with the image of a parent … When all these ingredients are combined, then a miracle happens, and everyone has their own dosage of ingredients anyway.
Alina, for example, attaches particular importance to what she herself calls “skin compatibility”: “sometimes it simply attracts skin to skin, and sometimes it repels. I am lucky to live with a man whose skin is XNUMX% compatible with mine. Bodies without us understand each other and feel that they are made of the same dough.
And for 32-year-old Daniil, “compatibility of intellects” is important. “I need to talk freely with a woman about sex and during sex, so that I can express desires, even the most exotic ones, without fear that I will offend her or seem like a pervert to her,” Daniil admits. – And in the same way, she should be able to say what she likes and what she doesn’t like, what is important to her. Too bad it rarely happens!
Experts also recognize the need for words. But they suggest to be more careful. “Speaking in sex is possible and necessary only when it enhances mutual pleasure,” notes Irina Panyukova. – What if something is wrong? It is better to focus on the good and discuss the difficulties later, in a situation devoid of sexual overtones. And not about “how terrible it was,” but “how can I do well.” First, figure out what we are missing and try to figure out how to achieve it.”
Submissive position
Many men, like Daniel, complain that women are not able to talk about their desires. Has the situation not changed with the development of sexual education, contraception, feminism?
“It seems to me that the position of subordination is more connected with the social structure than with time,” Irina Panyukova reflects. “Many large social groups still live with strict regulations about how men and women “should” behave. But even in such a traditional way, there are ways to express desires within a couple.
In the end, it’s not so much about traditions and way of life, but about people and their characteristics. In general, the situation is being transformed, but not under the influence of feminism, but thanks to the sexual revolution as such, changes in society and a decrease in polarity in relations between the sexes.
Men complain that women do not have enough initiative, and when women show it, they run away. Are they macho or idiots?
Xavier Boquet, however, is unhappy with the speed of these changes. “Women have moved forward because now they know a little better what they don’t want, but the relationship is still standing still! he gets angry. “In our society, the image of sex replaces real sexuality. We talk about her a lot, we put her everywhere, but we do not teach men and women to act in sex together! Every second woman still accepts sexual relations as they are, not daring to say what she wants. She meekly submits to the rhythm and manner of her partner.
Why is that? It is often difficult for women to step out of their maternal role, and they put their partner’s pleasure ahead of their own. But after all, the pleasure of a man depends on how good the woman is. So, by deciding to express their desires, women could greatly increase the degree of eroticism.
It turns out that the more women allow themselves, the better? Everything is not so clear again. Many of you are familiar with proud sexy Amazons without complexes. But try to ask them frankly how many disappointments have befallen them. And you will surely hear a lot.
Men complain that women do not have enough initiative, and when women show it, they run away. Are they macho or idiots? «Neither one nor the other! says Xavier Boke. “They are afraid of not being up to par. For example, 25-year-old girls often express their desires, but their directness and exactingness deprives men of the opportunity to «maneuver».
The desire is obscured by the obsession with the result, the main concern remains — not to give up. Given this typically masculine feature, women should only command on the sly.” In essence, the sexologist repeats the idea that great-grandmothers perfectly formulated: «Let him always think that he decides.»
After passion
Describing pleasure, some speak of «community», «mutual penetration», «fusion» — amazing, but short-lived and rare states. Others use the words «participation», «harmony» or «pleasure» to refer to experiences that can be experienced daily. And it is hardly a coincidence that these are mostly couples with a long experience.
The key word for a strong relationship is harmony, not fusion. The latter is characteristic of passion, and passion is a kind of “cheating”: we easily get unexpected happiness, including sexual happiness, bodies immediately reach the climax of their dialogue, bypassing intermediate stages. But one fine day we wake up and see the partner as he is, and not as we dreamed. At this point, very often everything collapses. False notes, awkwardness in sex that we did not notice before — now we see them. Even worse: we see only them!
It takes years to understand someone, get to know their inner workings and adapt to them.
“Many couples break up at this stage, and it’s a pity,” complains Xavier Boke. – Having passed the passionate phase, you need to learn everything anew: look for ways to enjoy your partner, learn “instructions for its use”, both physical and psychological.” It takes years to understand someone, get to know their inner workings and adapt to them.
“When I realized that I no longer wanted to have sex with my husband, I offered him to live in different rooms,” recalls 38-year-old Ekaterina. — We lived as friends, talked for hours in the kitchen, as at the very beginning … I learned to listen to him, to see him, not only as a man, but also as a person. This went on for several months. And then I myself invited him to make love again. I specifically said at first «have sex», and now — «love.» Because there was no fever in it, but there was a lot of tenderness.
Hard work?
So, when the passion is gone, you need to work to keep relationships — and sexual ones as well? It sounds strange, and the words «sex» and «work» do not go well together. “Passion turns into a relationship where sexual and non-sexual aspects have come into balance,” says Irina Panyukova. — But there are those who, due to the peculiarities of the psyche, are simply not capable of long-term relationships. And to think that some kind of work can lead to the fact that any relationship will become long and good is a mistake.”
A happy monogamous relationship is an ideal that not everyone can achieve. Not everyone aspires to it. “Frequent change of partners is a behavioral pattern characteristic of adolescence,” explains Irina Panyukova, “but many remain in this pattern forever.”
We enter into relationships to get what we like. And if it is natural for someone to seek adventure, that is what he will do in a relationship. It is important that partners understand how compatible their aspirations are.
“There are vapors that, like water and oil, do not mix,” Irina Panyukova resorts to a metaphor, “but if you shake them strongly in a bottle, you get an emulsion. They shake themselves up all the time and can live that way for a very long time. For them, this is necessary, and not monotonous rubbing against each other. If such a couple comes to the therapist, his task is to help them make the shakes environmentally friendly, not destructive, in order to increase their pleasure in the relationship.
Pleasure in sex, as follows from all that has been said above, everyone has their own. And that means work on reaching its peaks, too.