How to raise sons: advice for mothers and fathers

“Mom wants to communicate all the time, she is interested in everything, she rejoices at my successes, is constantly aware of my affairs, encourages me. Dad? Well, he’s on his own, not much to talk about. Either he drinks, or he watches TV, or he just doesn’t pick up the phone. ” This is just one of hundreds of quotes from adult men who come to me for consultations.

Sons communicate with their fathers once every 3 months, while with their mother – about 5 times a week. Moms are active, enterprising, interested in everything. And the fathers, if they are not frankly closed, are always in their own business: in the computer, news, books, films. They sit at home all day, drink or get sick. “Escapists,” as one of my clients put it.

It rarely happens otherwise – a father can do business or be in charge at work, but even in this case he is much less interested in the lives of children. Mom is in charge of everything. Even adult men often ask their mothers for advice, and on any issues – from family to finances, and “dad is only an electrician.”

As a result, the boys, growing up, repeat the script of their fathers. Run away, play, drink, immerse yourself in films or books – there at least something happens to the characters, but in real life there is no need to try.

Why is this happening?

There is one problem at the core – fathers are not involved in the upbringing of their sons.

1. Dad is always busy with business, he is not interested in messing with children. At most, he periodically wants to teach the child something useful. The reason why fathers behave this way is worthy of a separate article.

2. Even if the father tries to introduce some rules, the woman is unhappy with this and interrupts, protects the children, does not allow the father to punish them. This is hyper control.

The result is a cyclic picture: the father is busy with his own affairs, pays little attention to raising his son. The mother, seeing this, tries to raise the child herself. When a man tries to “get into” the process, the woman feels that the partner does not understand him. From this, the father of the child is even more removed, offended, his motivation drops. A woman, on the contrary, strengthens the opinion that she knows how to do it, and her husband does not understand anything about it.

Everything is aggravated if the husband and wife have a bad relationship. Then the mother begins to see in the boy the ideal future man, gives him all her attention, gives him all her energy. She begins to fear for him so much that she forbids everything, as long as he doesn’t get injured or, God forbid, doesn’t die: “Don’t go there, don’t communicate with those, don’t fight, don’t get in, don’t run away.”

A mother who behaves in this way places her son in a “golden cage” of safety, while it is vital for him to show healthy aggression and curiosity, to explore the world. The man, in turn, seeing his wife’s love and attention to their son, but not experiencing this for himself, is disappointed in her and moves away from his relatives. Then the woman becomes both the father and mother of the child, but this only leads to problems.

What advice can be given to parents so that they raise their son harmoniously and help him become an independent adult man?

Mother’s Advice

Everything starts with a woman. As Erich Fromm wrote in his treatise The Art of Loving, a woman’s love for a child is unconditional and equal to bliss for him. If this love is there, everything is fine. If it doesn’t, it’s a tragedy.

A child can always come to his mother, receive affection, love and warmth from her when he feels bad. A woman is a source of calm and relaxation for a son. She teaches him how to be balanced, joyful, loving the world around him.

An anxious mother, on the other hand, will always convey her anxiety to her child, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. An anxious mother will cause future neurosis in the boy, his tendency to doubt, depression and, in general, reduced tone.

Thus, in my opinion, the most important task of a mother is not to educate, but to take care of her condition in order to convey peace to the child. Worry less, stress yourself less, meditate, do yoga and other relaxing activities.

The second important task is to improve relations with your spouse. If a woman does not love her husband, does not admire him, then she will not be able to convey to her son the values ​​that mothers often broadcast. For example, the need to take care of women (in particular, about the mother herself), take care of them, respect them.

If the husband does not take care of his wife, does not look after her, does not actively show his love by his example, then no matter how much the mother tries to put this into the mind of the child, he will copy exactly the actions of the father. Therefore, it is more important to deal with your relationships than with how to instill in your son the desire to care for girls.

The third task is not to block the boy’s aggression. No matter how much the mother wants to protect the child from injuries, bruises and all dangers, this is impossible. Moreover, a woman who worries about her son will again inevitably convey her anxiety to him.

The boy can and will direct his aggression towards the world. Climb construction sites, run to remote corners of the area, fight and pet stray cats. He will have to do this either now or when he is 18 or older. But there is a great risk that he will try drugs and various criminal “entertainments” at this age. Blocked aggression will not go anywhere, it will accumulate, come out unexpectedly, manifest itself in crushing forms…

Ideally, motherly love should not interfere with the growing up of a son. Mom must let go of the child and believe that he will be able to survive on his own or with the help of his father and adequately explore the world.

Father Tips

The father, according to Fromm, is the opposite pole – conditional love. But do not rush to swear or call this thought cynical. A child needs conditional love just as much as a mother’s unconditional love. What for? To point him in the direction.

Conditional love has a serious disadvantage – it must be earned. A father can punish his son, scold or deprive him of his attention and love. But there is a plus in this – this love can be received at will, it is in the sphere of control of the child. If he does what his father asks or requires, he will receive attention and care. Mother’s love cannot be earned – you either have it or you don’t.

The first task of the father is to formulate for himself the rules and values ​​that he will teach the child in order to guide and instruct him on the path of life.

Often I see a picture: the father does not have clear rules and criteria for “good / bad”, as a result, he constantly finds flaws and mistakes in his son’s behavior. If the child reads, then “little”; if he plays football, then “badly”; if he teaches lessons, then “not thoughtfully enough.”

Everything good and useful that the son does, the father considers “just normal” and refuses to praise for it. “That’s how it should be, because they don’t praise for it.” An unloving father has no written and clearly articulated rules. He only has a desire to “fix” and annoyance that his son does everything wrong. If you ask, but as it should, the answer will be slurred, not structured and illogical. Just “somehow”.

What should be done instead? Formulate a set of rules for the son, for the implementation of which he can be scolded or praised. The son will form a vector of development, movement.

Putting things in order in the room is good, the father is happy and praises. Maybe give some money. Leaving a mess is bad, the father criticizes. Playing sports or helping mom is good. The father is happy, he goes with his son to the zoo or go-karting. If he doesn’t help his mother, it’s bad, the son is punished, he sits at home.

The second most important task is to control the implementation of these rules. The father should most of all want his son to grow and develop. If the father formulated the rules, but then he does not follow them himself, is angry with his son that he does not remember the rules, or the mother, out of love and compassion, allows the rules to be broken, the father must stop this and monitor this. Otherwise, the wife will see that the man only grumbles and criticizes the child, but does not deal with him himself.

The third task is to improve relations with the mother of the child so that she does not worry about her son, but believes that her husband will take care, figure it out so that the child is all right. Often mothers try to stop fathers from raising children because they do not believe that men will do something good.

There is a grain of truth in this mistrust. Men can really carelessly or dishonestly perform their tasks or put too much pressure on their sons, yell at them, scare them. And the women watching this are disappointed in the man’s care and, not trusting him, begin to interfere in the upbringing process.

Ideally, a father’s upbringing should be dictated by rules and principles, but at the same time be patient, indulgent, and not threatening and dominant. Through the influence of the father, the son will grow up with a growing sense of his own strength and confidence that he will cope with all problems.

Any upbringing of children first of all requires a well-established interaction between a man and a woman. There will be no success if parents transmit different values ​​and messages to the child.

It is important that a woman trust her husband, believe that he instills in his son the right values ​​and ideas. And it is equally important that a man takes control and care of the family, and a woman relaxes and sees that he really wants the best and thinks about the future of both his wife and children. Then she will help and share the values ​​of her husband, and he will be able to pass them on to his son or sons.