Emotional intelligence in the modern world is considered no less important than rational intelligence. After all, it is he, and not a high IQ, that helps not only to understand ourselves, but also to build strong ties. That is why it is so important to develop it in our children.
Imagine that you are four. You build a tower and are terribly proud of what you get. Another child runs up and overturns your building. You are furious, a variety of feelings are seething inside – pain, panic, frustration, helplessness. At this moment, an adult comes up to you – for example, a parent, squats down and asks: “What happened, my good?”
This adult looks calm, in his eyes – compassion. And that allows your feelings to come out. “Tell me what happened,” he suggests. Yes exactly.
An adult does not try to fix everything, does not say: “Why are you upset – you will build a new tower, even better”, but simply allows you to experience all those feelings that overwhelm you. And then he embraces you, you cuddle up to him, take a deep breath and go to build a new tower …
How was your real childhood? How did your parents react to your annoyance, anger, tears? Did they listen to you, did they support you?
It is likely that you, unfortunately, belong to the majority who have heard from adults: “Come on, stop crying! How small are you! There’s nothing to be upset about here.” Perhaps you were even sent to your room or put in a corner so that you could “think about your behavior.”
And in the end, this most likely resulted in the fact that today you, like many others, do not know how to cope with the psychological stress that you experience.
3 Strategies for Dealing with Feelings
However, what’s the use of blaming parents for what they did or didn’t do? They really did not know what to do, did not understand how to respond to children’s feelings and emotions. This is not taught in schools or colleges, because we still value IQ more than EQ.
Therefore, children themselves begin to use one of three strategies for dealing with their own feelings.
suppression
Realizing that it is not safe to express feelings (they can be punished for this!), the child learns to suppress them, “lock them up”. Unfortunately, over time, feelings do not disappear anywhere, they remain all the same, deep inside, and can periodically “float” to the surface.
But instead of finally treating them like adults, we pour ourselves a glass of wine or, for example, go headlong into work.
Aggression
Feeling powerless and fearful, having grown up in an authoritarian environment where he was not given the right to vote, the child often turns into an unrestrained and aggressive adult who literally explodes every time he is hurt, even if not on purpose. He is harshly critical of others or may even resort to violence.
Self expression
If the child was given to understand that they would accept him with anyone, with all his feelings, then, growing up, he knows what to do with his emotions: he does not suppress them and does not break down on others, but, for example, writes out in a diary. Or calling a friend and asking, “Hi, I really need you to listen to me. Can you?” Or meditates, or goes to psychotherapy.
And most importantly, he understands how to relate to his children and their experiences. He does not strive for them to be happy 24/7, because he knows that this is simply impossible. He does not forbid them to experience even the most unpleasant emotions, does not try to solve all their problems, but simply offers his support.
And, if those feel bad or sad, if they are annoyed, he squats down and gently says: “What happened? Tell me”.
Everything is in our hands
Children learn from our example, by analogy, and nothing else. Only if we can empathize and sympathize with others, accept them with all the variety of feelings, children learn to treat others with respect and kindness.
Therefore, it is so important to “unpack” your “emotional baggage” and not pass on your own childhood traumas to the child, not to put an unbearable burden on him. Therefore, it is worth letting your sons cry, being vulnerable and not being afraid to speak openly about their needs. And so, instead of punishing, it is important to learn to actively listen to your children and empathize with them.
Sir Ken Robinson, British academic, educator, author, educator, whose TED talk “Do schools stifle creativity?”1 has gained over 72 million views, says that the goal of education is to teach us to understand the world around and within ourselves. But what if we make knowledge of the inner world a priority?
According to research, when children feel that learning is safe, that no one judges or criticizes them, that they are treated kindly and with respect, their motivation increases. And it’s up to us to give it to them. And that means growing empathic adults out of them.
https://www.ted.com/talks/sir_ken_robinson_do_schools_kill_creativity?language=ru