“Be a mentor, not a warden” is a great strategy for parents who want to raise happy and responsible children. How to learn to control children less and help them develop internally more? Says a clinical psychologist.
When I ask parents the question, “What did you do to change the child’s behavior,” the hardest thing is to listen to the list of a whole list of punishments. Typical story: “We have a rule that he has to clean his room, but he never does, so we took his tablet away, then banned him from watching TV, canceled meetings with friends and put him under house arrest for a month. Whatever we do, he doesn’t care.»
This is what guardian parents do. It is an inflexible parenting approach based on rules and punishments for inappropriate behavior. It often turns out that the most antisocial children were brought up that way. They do not care about the meaning of the established rules, they obey them only as long as there is a threat of punishment.
Studies have shown that excessive parental control is also associated with mental health problems in children and adolescents. If we raise children as guardians, we try to suppress certain behaviors through control and dominance, making it clear that misbehavior will backfire.
The warden always expects some kind of trouble from his charges and treats them accordingly. The warden is not interested in what makes you sad, you do not understand what is happening, and you feel like an outcast. He only cares that you obey.
We, the mentors, help the child develop intrinsic motivation so that he wants to do the right thing himself.
As supervisors, we cannot be flexible, so if a child refuses to obey us for any reason, our only option is to impose increasingly harsh punishments until he surrenders.
If we try to be mentors for our children, then we will encourage them for the behavior that we would like to see. We help them find themselves in the world. We show care and empathy. If they do not behave the way we would like, if their behavior does not correspond to our system of values, we think that we can do to help the child fit into the accepted system of rules and principles.
We avoid harsh punishments that may make him feel like an outcast outside the system, on the contrary, we consider his misdeeds as a result of a lack of skills and experience. We are not using increasingly harsh punishments, but are looking for a way to make the child himself want to meet accepted standards and please us.
We, the mentors, help the child develop internal motivation so that he himself wants to do the right thing — just at the call of his heart, and not in order to avoid punishment.
We teach children to obey the rules because they want to be worthy members of the family and society, they want to help us, and they themselves understand the value of correct behavior.
How to become a mentor to your children?
1. Learn to see the world from their point of view. The mentor needs to be able to see the situation from the point of view of the child himself. This allows you to determine what is causing the behavior problems. Often they are associated with emotional difficulties or a lack of certain skills. It is important to understand how exactly to help with solving these problems.
2. Reward desired behavior with praise and attention. Children love sincere praise and attention. If they feel that you really care about them, and not just trying to control their behavior, then they will be much more willing to comply with your wishes. But the “praise” with which they are trying to control them (“How do you sit evenly and calmly today, well, isn’t it great?”) Will not help here. It will be much more effective to be sincere: “I am very pleased that you are listening carefully today.”
3. Teach them to live by a value system. Show your child by example what is really important in life. Do you want to raise him to be a kind and responsible person? Demonstrate the importance of kindness and responsibility. Pay attention to situations when the child follows your example, and praise him.
4. Be flexible. Give your child the opportunity to make their own choices. Do not decide for him (except in extreme cases when it comes to security or legality). Mentors raise children who are ready to take responsibility themselves. Children raised by overseer parents obey only because they fear punishment.
5. Train them to be intrinsically motivated, not extrinsic. Try to show your child that internal motivation (personal growth, health promotion, building meaningful relationships, social welfare) is more valuable than external motivation (financial success, fame, power, popularity). Those who are driven primarily by intrinsic motivation tend to be happier and more altruistic. So the next time your child starts misbehaving, remind yourself, «Be the mentor, not the warden.»