Can we make sure our children don’t feel guilty? Is it necessary? Answer: Yes…and no. Yes, because the feeling of guilt is not conducive to development. It strongly and for a long time spoils the child’s opinion of himself and makes him unhappy. No, because the realization of a mistake is necessary for the psychological development of the child and for him to be able to live in society. How to make him realize that he was wrong, but not feel guilty?
Make reasonable comments
It is essential that the parent is confident in the legitimacy of his request. If you are not sure that you are right, you yourself doubt what you are saying, the child has no reason to obey you.
A reasonable remark is one that does not follow from a simple desire of an adult, but follows from a general rule: you can’t fight, you can’t steal, you need to warn if you return late … These rules are necessary — in order for the child to feel his unity with the people around him.
They allow him to outgrow the animal state, become more civilized and live peacefully in society.
The task of parents is to instill these rules, and children — to learn them. The request that any adult would make in this situation is legitimate. So either the child obeys the rule and everything is fine, or not — and then he will be punished. Likewise, a driver who runs a red light should be fined. He pays for what he did.
In this context, there is no place for guilt. It is very important to explain to the child that the rules exist not only for him, but for everyone else, adults and children, all over the world, because without rules, life in society would be impossible.
Avoid emotional blackmail
Guilt arises when an adult explains his request not by general rules, but, for example, by his emotions. When he says «Do it…
- … to please me», he implies, «If you don’t, I’ll be miserable.»
- … you are a kind child”, he means, «If you don’t, you will be evil.»
- …because it’s good/bad” — these moral concepts, if they are not explained in any way, are ambiguous and can lead to misunderstanding: “Mom says that stealing is bad, and grandmother says that asking a girlfriend to take off her panties is bad. Is it equally bad or not?
All these arguments, without explanation, can become the basis for neurotic guilt: the child has a vague conviction that he himself is bad.
And finally, when you reproach a child for something, it is very important to separate the act and the person. They scold the child who stole, because stealing is bad, but you can’t tell the child that he is a thief. The offense is punished, not the person.
Explain your requests
You must explain intelligibly and logically to the child why it is necessary to behave in one way or another. For example, holding the door in front of an elderly person is necessary not because it will be pleasant for him, not because it is cute or good, but because if the door hits him in the face, he will be hurt.
Or because he does not have enough strength to hold the door and his wand at the same time, and he may fall
A simple explanation of the meaning of the request can calm even the most obstinate children. You can’t be guilty of breaking a rule that the person didn’t know. But, as soon as he recognized it and violated it again, he is already guilty. And then he should be punished.
Let me think freely
You can be guilty of your actions, but never of your desires or thoughts. It is very important that the child clearly understands that he can have the most terrible thoughts. There is no need to be afraid or ashamed of this.
Anything can come to mind, here we have no power over ourselves. This is not “bad”, but, on the contrary, it is absolutely natural and happens to everyone. But nevertheless, he cannot move from thoughts to actions, because in human society one can think anything, one can say a lot, but far from everything can be done.