Yale law professor Amy Chua, author of The Tiger Mother’s Battle Cry, is on the right track, but badly steered, according to the Psychologos editors. Demanding on children is fine, but yelling at children and fighting with them is not professional. Here is an excerpt from her book.
My Lulu was about seven years old, at that time she was learning to play two musical instruments, and practiced on the piano a piece of music called «The Little White Donkey» by the French composer Jacques Ibert. It’s fun music — one can easily imagine a donkey plodding down the road with its owner — but technically it’s quite a difficult exercise for a young pianist, since different hands have to maintain schizophrenic different rhythms.
Lulu couldn’t. We fought over this task for a week, training each arm separately, again and again. But every time she tried to play with both hands at once, the rhythms mixed up and got lost. Finally, with a day left until another music lesson, an exhausted Lulu announced that she was giving up. And got up from the instrument.
“Go back to the piano now,” I ordered.
«You can’t force me.»
«No, I can.»
When I returned her to the instrument, Lulu began to take revenge. She pushed and kicked. She grabbed the notes and tore them apart. I glued the notes together with duct tape and sealed them in a plastic cover so that they could never be torn again. Then I took Lulu’s dollhouse, carried it to the car, and told her that I would take her toys one by one to the Salvation Army if she didn’t learn to play «The Little White Donkey» without mistakes by tomorrow. Lulu snapped, «Why aren’t you going to the Salvation Army?» I promised to deprive her of lunch and dinner, as well as all gifts for Christmas and Chanukah. And no birthdays in the next two, three, four years. When she continued to play with the mistakes, I told her that she was misleading on purpose, out of her fear that she would fail. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly and narcissistic.
Jed took me aside and asked me to stop insulting Lulu (although I didn’t, I just motivated her) because threatening a child won’t accomplish anything. He also suggested that Lulu just couldn’t technically play the piece because she didn’t have enough coordination yet — hadn’t I thought of that option?
«You just don’t believe in her,» I replied.
“This is ridiculous,” he said offendedly. “Of course I do.”
«Sofia could play this music at the same age.»
“But Lulu and Sofia are different people!”
«Oh no not this! I shouted, and began to parody typical Western sayings. “Every person is special in their own way. And every loser is special in his own way. Well, don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything at all. And I’m going to do it for as long as it takes. And let her hate me. And you will be the parent that kids adore, because such parents bake pancakes for them and take them to football with them.
I rolled up my sleeves and returned to Lulu. I used every possible tactic and weapon. We worked from lunch until late in the evening. I didn’t let her get up, even to drink or go to the bathroom. The house became a military training ground, I lost my voice while screaming, but nothing worked. And then even I began to doubt.
And suddenly, in the midst of this disappointment, Lulu played it right. Her hands suddenly worked together, each doing its part as it should. We both got it. I held my breath. She slowly tried to repeat. Then she played faster and more confidently — and still the rhythm kept. The next moment she was beaming.
«Mom, look, it’s easy!» After that, she began to play again and again, and did not even want to leave the piano. That night she came to sleep with me, we hugged and curled up in each other’s arms. When she performed «Little White Donkey» at a concert a few weeks later, the other parents would come up to me and say, «What appropriate music for Lulu — as fun as she is!» And even Jed complimented me.
Western parents worry a lot about their children’s self-esteem. But the worst thing you can do for a child’s self-esteem is to let him give up. On the other hand, the best way to boost your self-esteem is to do something you previously thought you couldn’t.