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For a long time, it was assumed that “boys don’t cry,” that they should suppress their emotions. Now experts are talking loudly about how harmful it is for the psyche of the child (and, accordingly, for the adult in which he grows up). What can parents do so that their son is not afraid to be sincere and vulnerable?
A recent study found that a third of boys believe that society expects them to hide their feelings, especially fear. Another third believes that even in the most difficult situation, they should not “dissolve nurses” and must hold on at all costs. Alas, what is obvious to psychologists and psychotherapists is not always clear to most parents.
Author of “Raising a Boy”1 Emma Brown is sure that all this causes great damage to the psyche of children, forcing them to deny an important part of themselves – the one associated with emotions, the one that is responsible for relationships with other people. A huge role in this is played by our system of education and upbringing, represented in kindergartens and schools, but it is in the power of parents to make sure that their sons grow up in harmony with themselves and in contact with their different parts.
Make time to keep in touch
One important step that parents can take is to start consciously making time and space to build a deep, trusting relationship with their child, Brown says. This clock should only belong to the two of you, and should not be filled with gadgets and other entertainment. The child should know that he can always share with you what is sore, what really worries him.
Help them recognize and name their emotions
Dr. Kara Natterson, pediatrician and author of Deciphering Boys: The New Science Behind the Fine Art of Raising Sons2, I am sure that the task of every parent is to raise a child with high emotional intelligence (EQ). Such a child will understand that it is normal to experience a variety of emotions, and will track them, and not suppress them.
“In no case should you tell your son what exactly he feels,” the expert warns. Help him choose a suitable name for his emotions and feelings. And be sure to encourage their expression. For example, you can say: “When you cry, I immediately understand that you are upset about something, otherwise I would not have guessed about it (did not guess).” The sooner you start having such conversations, the sooner the child will understand that he can turn to you with anything.
Children in any case learn from our example
“We used to think that there is a kind of “code of conduct for boys”, how they should and should not behave. By default, we perceive masculinity as the norm, but this is not so, ”says psychologist Michael Reikert. Alas, the “window of opportunity” that you need to get into in order to form a high EQ in a child closes pretty quickly.”
According to Natterson, by the age of 12, boys finally switch to peers, and their parents cease to be the most significant figure for them. This means that you need to start working with them long before that – ideally, the sooner the better. In addition, if before the son was not afraid to show you his vulnerability, but closed with age, be sure to show him that you noticed this, you miss those glorious times, but do not condemn him.
Try changing the system
It seems that starting to argue with caregivers, teachers and coaches about how to treat your son (and boys in general) is like engaging in an unequal battle with windmills. However, this global task can be divided into lifting parts. Look around and think about the support of which parent you could enlist.
Don’t be afraid to show vulnerability yourself
“Kids learn from us anyway,” Natterson recalls. “So no matter how much you explain to your son that it’s okay to show your emotions, if you yourself are a model of perseverance, it’s unlikely that he will follow your advice. Moreover, he is provided with an internal conflict.
For some fathers, this behavior is especially difficult – the baggage of gender attitudes that they have been carrying with them all their lives is too heavy. But with enough awareness, most people can do it, especially if you remember how much it will give the child and help change the world as a whole.
1 To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood
2 Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons