Love has conflicts. But not every way to resolve them is constructive. Psychotherapist Dagmar Cumbier offers exercises to help improve relationships with a partner. Save them and do it every week as homework. After 8 weeks you will see the result.
Mess. Money. Questions of education. In every relationship there are sore spots, the discussion of which leads to invariable conflicts. At the same time, the dispute is even useful and is part of the relationship, because without conflicts there is no development. But in a couple’s fighting culture, there is work to be done to reduce conflicts or resolve them in a more constructive way.
Many fight in an aggressive way that hurts both partners, or get stuck in repetitive discussions. Replace this behavior with a productive one.
Do a short exercise each week to help you recognize certain phases of a fight and develop the ability to sense insecure moments with your partner. You will see results in eight weeks.
First week
Problem: Annoying Relationship Themes
Why do you never close your toothpaste? Why did you put your glass in the dishwasher instead of putting it in right away? Why are you leaving your things everywhere?
Every couple has these themes. However, there are situations in which an explosion occurs. Stress, overwork and lack of time are typical triggers for friction. At such moments, communication is reduced to a verbal skirmish, as in the movie «Groundhog Day», i.e. played in the same scenario.
An exercise
Replay your typical day or, if you don’t live together, a week/month in your head. Track when quarrels arise: in the morning with the whole family, when everyone is in a hurry somewhere? Or on Sunday, when after the weekend you again “part” for weekdays? Or is it car travel? Watch it and be honest with yourself. Most couples are familiar with such typical situations.
Think about what exactly causes stress in quarrels and how you can fix it. Sometimes the easy way out is to schedule more time to consciously organize the transition from one to the next or think about a goodbye (instead of fighting each time). Whatever conclusion you come to, just try it. Talk to your partner about how they feel in such annoying situations, and think together about what you both want to change.
Important: This task is a kind of warm-up exercise. Anyone who has been able to recognize situations fraught with quarrels most likely does not know why he is so angry or what hurt him so much. However, changing a couple of external situational variables is a step that will help mitigate recurring conflicts.
The second week
Problem: Why am I so angry?
Now let’s figure out why in certain situations you react especially sharply. Remember the question from last week? It was about a situation that often causes a quarrel. Let’s observe your feelings at this moment and learn how to curb them. After all, by understanding why you lose your temper or are offended, you can express your emotions in a different way.
An exercise
Take a piece of paper and a pen. Imagine a typical situation with a quarrel and take the position of an internal observer: what is happening inside you at this moment? What annoys you, makes you angry, why are you offended?
The most common cause of anger and conflict is that we are not noticed, not taken seriously, we feel used or insignificant. Try to formulate as clearly as possible in two or three sentences what hurt you.
Important: it is possible that the partner really oppresses you or does not notice. But maybe your feelings are deceiving you. If you come to the conclusion that the partner did nothing wrong, and you are still angry with him, ask yourself: how do I know this situation? Have I experienced something similar in my life? This question is an «additional task». If you feel the answer is yes, try to remember or feel for the situation.
During this week, try to understand why you are reacting so strongly to a certain topic or a certain behavior of your partner. If it comes to a fight again, try to stay calm and observe yourself and your feelings. This exercise is not easy, but it will help you realize a lot. During the training, you will still have the opportunity to tell your partner that you are not satisfied, as long as you do not rush to accusations.
Third week
Problem: I can’t say “stop” in time
In quarrels, things often reach a critical point, from which the conflict flares up. It is difficult to identify this moment and then interrupt the argument. However, this stoppage could help reverse the pattern. And although stopping a quarrel will not solve the differences, at least this will avoid senseless insults.
An exercise
If there is another nagging or argument this week, watch yourself. Ask yourself: where is the point at which a heated discussion turns into a real quarrel? When does she get rough? You will know this moment by the fact that you will feel uncomfortable.
Try at this point to interrupt the argument by saying «stop» to yourself. And then tell your partner that in this place you would like to stop the quarrel. Choose for this, for example, such words: “I don’t like this anymore, please, let’s stop.”
If you are already on the verge of a breakdown, you can also say: “I’m on edge, I don’t want to continue arguing in such a tone. I’ll be out for a while, but I’ll be back soon.» Such interruptions are difficult and to some people seem to be a sign of weakness, although this is precisely a sign of strength.
Tip: if the relationship is many years old, often both of you know where the point is from which the very bad behavior in a quarrel begins. Then talk to each other about it, give the quarrel a name, come up with some code word that will be a stop signal. For example, “tornado”, “tomato salad”, when one of you says this, both of you are trying to stop the quarrel.
Fourth week
Problem: Power Struggle in Relationships
Usually no more than half an hour is enough for any conflict. But many fights often last much longer. Why? Because they turn into a power struggle, one wants to dominate or control a partner, which is impossible and undesirable in a relationship.
This task will help you understand what you are really trying to achieve: do you want an answer to a question? Clarify something? Or be right/right and win?
An exercise
Read these two sentences:
- «My partner should change like this:…»
- “My partner is to blame for this because…”
Finish these sentences in writing and see how many demands and reproaches you make to your partner. If there are a lot of them, it is very likely that you want to change the partner in accordance with your ideas. And perhaps provoking long quarrels because you want to turn things around. Or you use the quarrel as a kind of «revenge» for earlier insults.
If you now realize this, you have taken the first step. The second step of the training is to dedicate this week to the topic “power and control” and answer (preferably in writing) the following questions:
- Is it important for me that I have the last word?
- Is it hard for me to apologize?
- Do I want my partner to change drastically?
- How objective (objective) am I in assessing my share of responsibility in this situation?
- Can I go towards another, even if he offended me?
If you answer honestly, you will quickly understand whether the topic of the struggle for power is close to you or not. If you feel that this is the main problem, study this topic in more detail, read, for example, books about it or discuss it with friends. Only after the struggle for power has been softened a little, the training will work.
Fifth week
Problem: «You don’t understand me!»
Many people have a hard time listening to each other. And during a quarrel, it is even more difficult. However, the desire to understand what is going on inside another can help in emotionally charged situations. How to use empathy to reduce heat?
The analysis of the issue with a partner is preceded by a kind of clarification and observation phase. The task is not to respond with a cue to a cue in a dispute, but to ask yourself what is happening in the soul of a partner. In a quarrel, rarely is anyone sincerely interested in the feelings of the opponent. But this kind of empathy can be trained.
An exercise
In fights this week, focus on listening to your partner as closely as possible. Try to understand his situation and his position. Ask him what he doesn’t like. Ask what is bothering him. Encourage him to talk more about himself, to speak out.
This «active listening» gives the partner the opportunity to be more open, to feel understood and to be ready to cooperate. Practice this type of communication from time to time during this week (including with other people with whom you have conflicts). And see if the front “gets warmer” from this.
Tip: there are people with very developed empathy, always ready to listen. However, in love, they often behave differently: because they are too emotionally involved, they fail to give the other the opportunity to speak out in a conflict. Ask yourself if this applies to you. If you really are someone who always empathizes, maybe even gives in, focus on the communication strategies that you will learn next week.
Sixth week
Problem: remember everything. Start gradually!
If you lay out all the claims that have accumulated over many years during a quarrel at once, this will lead to anger and frustration. It is better to identify one small problem and talk about it.
Before starting a conversation with a partner, think about what kind of conflict you would like to talk about and what really needs to change or what you would like to see in a different partner’s behavior or another form of relationship. Try to formulate a specific sentence, for example: «I want us to do more together.» Or: “I want you to talk to me if you have any problems at work,” or “I want you to clean up the apartment one or two hours a week, too.”
If you start a conversation with a partner with such a proposal, then you will need to consider three things:
- Recall and revisit the “learning to listen” tips from last week and see if you have included an active listening phase before the clarifying phase. Those who are serious about listening sometimes have not so many problems at the clarification stage.
- Be persistent in your desire, but show understanding nonetheless. Say things like, «I know you don’t have much time, but I want us to do a little more together.» Or: «I know you don’t like doing dishes, but we can work out a compromise because I want you to take part in cleaning the apartment too.» By maintaining a friendly tone when using this technique, you will ensure that the partner at least understands that these questions are important to you.
- Beware of soft «I-messages»! Even if the “I want…” sentences are in line with the now-familiar strategy that says “I-messages” should be used in a fight, don’t overdo it. Otherwise, it will seem to the partner false or too detached.
It is important to really limit yourself to one question. After all, next week you will be able to discuss the next specific problem.
seventh week
Problem: He will never change.
Opposites attract, or two boots — a pair — which of these two types can be given the best forecast for a love relationship? Studies say that similar partners have more chances. Some family therapists believe that about 90% of conflicts in a couple arise because partners have little in common and cannot balance their differences. Since one cannot change the other, he must accept him as he is. Therefore, we will learn to accept the «cockroaches» and «weaknesses» of the partner.
An exercise
Step one: focus on one quality of a partner that he does not like, but which he will not part with. Sloppiness, introversion, pedantry, stinginess — these are stable qualities. Now try to imagine what would happen if you made peace with that quality and said to yourself, this is how it is and it won’t change. At this thought, people often experience not frustration, but relief.
Step two: think about how to solve the problems that arise because of this together. If one of you is sloppy, a visiting housekeeper might be the solution. If the partner is too closed, be generous, if he does not tell much — maybe you should ask a couple more questions. Acceptance training is one of the main components of family therapy. This ability can be crucial in order to experience more joy and intimacy in a relationship that previously had violent scandals.
Eighth week
Problem: I can’t immediately move away from a quarrel
In the eighth and last part of the training, we will talk about how to get closer to each other again after a conflict. Many are afraid of quarrels, because in conflicts they feel detached from their partner.
Indeed, even quarrels that were jointly terminated by a stoplight or in which an understanding was reached lead to a certain distance. Agree on some kind of reconciliation ritual that will end the quarrel and help you get closer again.
An exercise
Together with your partner, think about what kind of reconciliation ritual will work for both of you beneficially and seem consonant with your relationship. It shouldn’t be too pretentious. Some are helped by physical contact — a long hug, for example. Or listening to music together, or drinking tea. It is important that both of you, even if it may seem artificial at first, use the same ritual each time. Thanks to this, it will become easier and easier to take the first step towards reconciliation, and you will soon feel how closeness is being restored.
Of course, we are not talking about the fact that you need to start following all the tips at once. Choose two or three different tasks that you enjoy the most, and try to follow these tips in conflict situations.
Source: Spiegel.