We associate joyful expectations and hopes with new beginnings, but completions often leave a feeling of regret, sadness and pain. But why exactly? And how can we make sure that our partings, points and finals have, if not a happy, then at least a good end?
“Last summer, my two-year master’s program at the Sorbonne in Paris ended, but I could not find a job, and I had to leave this city that is dear to me,” says 28-year-old Marina. “I announced my upcoming farewell party on social media, and the next day my little apartment was full of people—friends, pals, and even strangers dropped in to say a few kind words and wish something good for the future. We cried, laughed, hugged, watched from the balcony as the sun set in our beloved city — in general, I said goodbye to him in the most optimistic way. It was a beautiful spot.»
Marina’s story is rather an exception to the rule. Endings are not always so light and pleasant. Often they are painful and unpleasant for us. We crumple them, spoil them with unnecessary haste, try to “slip through” as soon as possible and not notice or resist them — instead of lingering for a minute and becoming a witness to that special moment when something in our destiny ends forever, and life changes irrevocably.
“We all have to go through a lot of breakups and endings, whether you consider them a loss or not,” says Rawinder Bhatoa, a consultant at Cruse Bereavement Care, a bereavement care center in the UK. “The ending could be the loss of some important personal item, the theft of a bicycle, or a change in lifestyle.” Each such loss leaves its mark, while our attitude towards it and the way we put an end to it reflects our individual style of separation.
In search of harmonious completion
Everyone, probably, would like everything in his life to be safely resolved and resemble a happy ending, crowning an elegant script for a Hollywood movie. “But the difficulty of real endings is that they are inextricably linked to the essence of life itself,” explains Neil Lutsky, an expert in the psychology of endings. “They serve as a reminder of our finiteness, forcing us to come to terms with this main circumstance of life, which we cannot control.”
“Ends are inherently ambivalent,” continues social psychologist Eolene Boyd-MacMillan. After all, we experience not only grief, but a whole range of emotions — happiness, jubilation, joy, and with them — a sense of guilt and injustice, regret and despair. It’s hard to acknowledge so many different feelings at the same time, so we tend to picture the whole picture as black or white, positive or negative. But our experiences are always a mixture of good and bad, although it is not easy to realize this.
«Our memories of past experiences depend almost entirely on two things — on how we experienced it at the very peak of sensations, and at the very end»
In 1999, psychologist and Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman developed the peak-end concept that he had previously formulated. Our memories of past experiences depend almost entirely on two things, he said, how we experienced them at their peak and at their very end. It turns out that in order to forever imprint in the mind the image of your ex-spouse as a notorious villain, it is enough just to keep in mind the disgusting denouement of the relationship and thereby downplay all the experience experienced together, and at the same time lose all its lessons.
But if we try to reconsider our attitude towards the finals and see them as necessary changes, as stages of development, they will provide us with opportunities for new growth. The end will be a step forward, not a stop, and we will have the strength to survive it without paralyzing fear and put a good end — consciously and with dignity.
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Take a break
When 35-year-old Katerina and several of her colleagues were fired due to the crisis, emotions overwhelmed everyone. Some of the fired quickly signed the bypass sheets and silently disappeared. Others rushed to sue, demanding justice. Katerina plucked up her courage and organized a «retreat» for those who remained, and those who left with her. “When everyone gathered, I stood up and talked about the opportunities that I discovered for myself in this job, about what I learned, and admitted what a pleasure it was for me to work in such a friendly team,” recalls Katerina. “Of course, we talked about our disappointments, but we didn’t dwell on it.” They drank, laughed, sympathized with each other, and closed this chapter of their lives to make room for the next.
Often we are in a hurry to say goodbye, we are in a hurry to quickly emerge from a protracted relationship and plunge into new ones. But in order to say goodbye properly, for real, that is, to be able to process your feelings and cope with them, it takes time. Usually we are so busy «making the right face» or «slamming the doors» that we miss this important step. “We are tempted to move forward on autopilot, but that is when we need to slow down and reflect on what happened,” says psychotherapist Andrea Perry. Find an opportunity to retire and grieve over what has ended. Allow yourself to spend some time in a state of uncertainty, no matter how much this uncertainty scares you.
“Allow yourself to spend some time in a state of uncertainty, no matter how much this uncertainty scares you.”
Public reflection and summing up (as Katerina did) is also a very useful practice. When we share our experiences, we feel relieved. And if you can also put your emotions aside for a while and really hear the other side’s point of view, it will help you move on. “Completion is a chance to look back and see if you can get something out of it,” says Iowlyn Boyd MacMillan. “It can spur us on to some unexpectedly decisive actions. For example, ask an ex-husband, colleague, lover a question that you would never dare to ask in another situation, and the answer — if you dare to hear it — is likely to give you amazing discoveries.
We all need the ability to say goodbye — to rethink and fix something before we allow ourselves the pleasure of completely withdrawing from the game. We deny ourselves this too often and are therefore doomed to replay unresolved emotions and unfinished chapters over and over again. But each ending, whether it’s the end of a love affair or the end of a vacation, gives us a chance to still learn how to leave with dignity and kindness. Put an end with a high raised glass.