A person with a narcissistic injury not only suffers himself, but also hurts those around him. If you still decide to stay in a relationship with such a person, or for some reason they cannot be interrupted now, you should protect yourself.
1. Don’t let the narcissist decide who you really are for you. “Only you can decide who you really are. Narcissists are great at instilling their ideas about us (usually not the most plausible),” says psychotherapist Shari Stines. Reject any “labels” that this person hangs on you – whether it is about your appearance, personal qualities, intelligence, or something else.
Try to get to know yourself better. Narcissists often project their flaws onto others (whether it’s laziness, selfishness, poor money management, or whatever), and their partners often take these accusations for granted. To counter them, it is important to maintain a positive self-image.
2. Don’t give him power over you. Don’t let another person be responsible for your decisions, thoughts and feelings. Even if his behavior scares you, don’t give in to fear. “In order to take control of your life again, it is important to develop a plan to counter attempts to control and manage,” explains Shari Stines.
It is important to feel strong and independent. Remember that the only way to break out of his power is to be persistent and not give in.
3. Be true to yourself. If you live with a narcissist, this is very difficult to do, but still try to do everything in the way that is best for you. In general, do not think about what is better before him. “Surely, until now, in your relationship, his needs and needs were the main ones, and yours were not even taken into account. To change this unhealthy pattern, start doing what is best for you, ”says Shari Stines.
Yes, you will inevitably encounter fierce resistance – be prepared for the worst. To heal the spiritual wounds inflicted by a narcissist and become healthier and more prosperous, you will have to show firmness and stamina.
4. Separate your finances. Narcissists tend to either have complete control over all spending, or, on the contrary, recklessly throw money around. Both options do not bode well for you. That is why it is so important to separate your finances. You will only be responsible for your funds, and your narcissist partner will be responsible for theirs. If you are a non-working housewife, get yourself a separate bank account and find a way to become financially independent.
“Even if you are not the main “earner” in the family, you still have the right to your own income and participation in the distribution of the family budget,” emphasizes Shari Stines.
5. Don’t try to talk to someone who doesn’t want to listen to you. If your narcissistic partner has stopped talking to you, don’t try to overcome his resistance, rather switch to your own business. Call a friend. Go for a walk. Play with children.
“Don’t waste your time and energy trying to get the attention of someone who doesn’t care about you. Stop “knocking on a blank wall,” advises Shari Stines. What your partner does is a real mockery of you. If you need to somehow express your feelings about this, talk with friends or start a diary. Find a healthy outlet for your emotions.
6. Don’t let yourself be manipulated. Manipulation can be completely non-obvious. A partner can intimidate you, put pressure on a sense of duty or guilt. Some manipulators like to feign innocence, which is a very effective strategy.
“In order not to become a victim, first of all think about what manipulation techniques your partner uses most often, describe them in writing and remember them all the time. If you feel that you are about to fall into his trap, tell yourself “stop” firmly. Repeat the mantra to yourself: “Observe, but don’t get involved,” recommends Shari Stines.
Mentally encourage yourself by reminding yourself that you don’t have to participate in this game at all, even if you are strongly encouraged to. Learn to say no. Just ignore him and leave.
7. Enjoy life. Don’t let anyone deprive you of that joy. Narcissists themselves are eternally dissatisfied and seem to radiate an aura of discontent around them. Remember this and try not to succumb to this negative influence. Always look for reasons to be grateful for life.
8. Focus on yourself. You can’t change anyone but yourself, so don’t even try. Don’t waste a minute of your precious life trying to get someone to understand you better, take you seriously, care for you, love you more, etc.
Better learn to deal with the pain and disappointment that inevitably arises in such an unequal relationship. Yes, your partner rejects you, but the main thing is that you do not reject yourself!
By setting boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist, you provoke his aggression
9. Don’t get defensive. Narcissists love to make us defensive. They attack us knowing exactly where we are weak. If you find yourself making excuses, stop, take a deep breath, remind yourself that you did nothing wrong, and refuse to play by his rules.
The narcissist enjoys watching you torment yourself with guilt. He thinks that you are a bad person, and tries to convince you of this. He spends all his psychic energy judging you and sorting out your “bad” qualities. This makes him feel superior. This can go on for as long as you are in a relationship. With this in mind, do not agree to play his games.
10. Don’t imitate the behavior of a narcissist. Have you ever noticed that a person who treats you inappropriately provokes the manifestation of the worst qualities? The fact is that we all unconsciously imitate each other’s behavior.
When you start behaving badly, screaming, scolding and criticizing your partner violently, the reason is that you, like a mirror, reflect the chaos that is going on in his soul. You unwittingly become a copy of him. It is natural for a person to eventually become somewhat similar to those with whom he closely associates.
But this tendency must be combated by paying attention to situations in which you begin to imitate the worst qualities of your partner. If you notice that you begin to show qualities that you hate – a tendency to criticize everything, vindictiveness, outbursts of anger, contempt for others, inability to forgive, etc. – it is important to consciously suppress them.
You need to train your ability to resist. For this, it is important to understand what mirror reflection, projection and introjection are. We “mirror” others by imitating their behavior. The projection is that the narcissist attributes his own qualities to us.
We, in turn, ourselves begin to believe that we have these qualities (introjection). Most often, partners of narcissists have developed empathy, “absorbing” the emotions and behavior patterns of others.
11. Be relentless. By setting boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist, you provoke his aggression. He will take your boundaries as a personal insult. Your desire to defend your independence will cause inevitable consequences. Remember that you are fighting for yourself. By fearing and avoiding these unpleasant consequences, you sacrifice your individuality. This is unacceptable and dangerous.
“To withstand the back pressure of a narcissist, you must be strong and unyielding. Don’t give up and never stop believing in yourself,” emphasizes Shari Stines.