How to Protect Yourself from Relationship Gaslighting: 7 Proven Ways

Psychologists define gaslighting as a form of manipulation that a person uses to influence, deceive, and control another. The main task is to confuse the victim, to make him doubt himself. In other words, it is deliberate deception in order to gain superiority.

When this tactic is used in close relationships, without witnesses, and therefore without evidence, gaslighting becomes an extremely powerful weapon that allows the abuser to subjugate a partner and sooner or later question the reality in which he lives. But it can be prevented if you know what to look out for.

Gaslight victims

“I was a successful entrepreneur, wife, mother of two wonderful children, we had a wonderful house in the suburbs,” recalls one of the patients of the psychotherapist Carol A. Lambert. “Slowly, however, I was seized with uncertainty. I began to doubt my own competence. When I was completely mired in doubt, I had no choice but to quit my thriving business. I no longer had the strength to lead him. Even now I can’t explain what happened to me. I just know I’m not who I used to be anymore.”

According to the therapist, she has been leading psychological groups for women who have been in destructive relationships since 1993. After analyzing hundreds of stories and client profiles, Lambert came to the conclusion that gaslighting is perhaps the most common tactic used by abusers. The consequences of a traumatic experience – embarrassment, self-doubt, anxiety – prevent women from trusting their thoughts, judgments and perceptions, and therefore do not allow them to defend themselves.

How to spot a gaslighter

The partner who uses this method to gain control over you constantly shifts the focus to their needs, doubts and feelings. Everything else he avoids, discounts your feelings, ignores your words, or simply changes the subject. Gaslighting is a set of tactics that can seriously affect the victim’s perception of reality. A gaslighter usually:

• Humiliates. When a conflict or disagreement begins, he categorically declares: “You are wrong.” Or: “You’re stupid, you don’t understand.”
• Hides information conceals facts that are not to his advantage.
• Accuses. In everything that went wrong, you are always to blame – it is important for him to remain impeccable.
• Rewrites history denies, lies, distorts the facts and manipulates you. For example, it can remind you of an event from the past, changing the details, and claim that everything was exactly the way it was.
• Denies partner’s feelings and doubts. If you say that you feel bad in a relationship, he will answer that you are too sensitive and take everything to heart. No matter what is discussed, the gaslighter will not listen, much less admit that you are right.
• Accuses unfairly. Quite often he says: “you never listen to me”, “you always think that you are right”, “everything should always be your way”. Convincing a gaslighter that these allegations are unfair is unrealistic. These attacks capture the essence of what the gaslighter himself does.
• Isolates partner. So the gaslighter does not have to worry that someone from the environment will undermine his authority by supporting his partner.
• Claims that the partner has gone crazy. He repeats these words again.

He distorts events and denies the real course of things so that his point of view remains the only true one.

7 ways to protect yourself

The main goal of a partner who resorts to any kind of violence is to make you doubt your own perception of the world, which, in turn, will allow you to control. When interacting with a gaslighter, the following techniques can help:

1. Stick to the facts. When you are being lied to and the meaning of your words is twisted to accuse you, determine what you think is the truth and stick to it. This will help you overcome your doubts and keep your feet on the ground, even when the gaslighter attacks.
2. Pause and think. This will help you resist attempts to influence you. When you live with someone who constantly tries to subdue you, before answering him, say: “I’ll think about it.” This way you can regain self-control.
3. Don’t say he’s lying. If you really want to speak out, just explain that you have a different point of view and you do not agree with it. Or emphasize that you remember what happened a little differently and trust your memory.
4. Don’t let yourself be blamed. When you are faced with twisting the truth to make you feel guilty, declare that you will not allow yourself to be blamed. Once you say it out loud, it will become easier for you to stick to your own point of view.
5. Be direct about your doubts. If he responds defensively, talking about you, or diverting the topic, say that you can discuss this later, but now it’s time to talk about what’s bothering you. Remind yourself again what interests you. If more attacks follow or the gaslighter tries to evade, say that in this case the conversation is over.
6. Let the gaslighter know that you recognize his tactics. Point out what makes communication difficult. You can also say that you have decided not to engage in such dialogues anymore.
7. Surrender to avoid attacks. It’s okay to choose this path, the main thing is to stay with your opinion and be clear that you do not agree with the abuser and just want to avoid skirmishes.

Carol A. Lambert believes that the more often you respond to a gaslighter in this way, the sooner you will let them know that you cannot be influenced. This will give you strength. If you stick to your own point of view and trust your perception of reality, you will be in a strong position from which you can observe how your partner behaves.

Some eventually stop defending and attacking and begin to listen to you. When you are confident in yourself, you can not only stand up for yourself, but also allow your partner to develop, of course, only if he is really capable of it.