Brief consultation.
— Nikolai Ivanovich, my dad recently got married, and now new relatives have appeared in my life, and specifically Aunt Rosa, the sister of my dad’s new wife, Katya. Katya is normal, but this Aunt Rosa is a person just from anecdotes: she climbs into everything, speaks about everything with aplomb and is constantly dissatisfied with everything and everyone. She’s all bad! And the problem is that she lives alone, she has nothing to do and she began to constantly come to us, because it seems to be her sister … But how to neutralize her?
Q: Who needs whom more? Aunt Rosa in you or are you in Aunt Rosa? Who has a stronger position?
Well, I don’t need her in my life at all. I’m only interested in a good relationship so that it doesn’t ruin dad’s life. And so — I don’t care about her attitude towards me.
— Then the first question to dad. Remember the rule: relations with relatives are dealt with by the party whose relatives they are. Whose relative is this? Popes. So, you turn to him: “Dad, we don’t have a good relationship with Aunt Rosa. In my opinion, I behave decently, but she does not. Will you be able to talk to her and somehow influence her, or will it be up to me to decide?”
— He says to this: “Well, she’s a fool. Be patient.»
«Fine, then I’ll continue playing for you.» “Dad, did I understand correctly that it’s up to me? Don’t you take it upon yourself?»
— I think dad will say: “Oh, I’m so tired! I’m tired of all this…”
— Okay, I’ll say «Daddy, thank you! You gave me the answer. I love and kiss you. I’ll solve the problem, don’t worry.»
You should be completely satisfied with such an answer from the pope, since in fact he allowed you to act independently. Then you behave as usual, fine, but now if Aunt Rosa, for example, calls and for some reason begins to roll something in your direction with displeasure, you can safely respond to her collision with an even more energetic collision.
“Roza Vladimirovna, do you want to quarrel with me? (and with a rising tone) Why are you talking to me like that? What’s the tone? Do you think you’re the only one who can yell?»
And then immediately in a calm voice: “Roza Vladimirovna, let’s change intonations. I’m fine with you. You are a great person, I am a wonderful person. At work, you don’t shout like that with your boss, you restrain yourself. Let’s you and you will lead like polite people! BUT?»
— I don’t know, I think Aunt Rosa won’t even let me say all this, she will start yelling even louder: “Yes, you are so-and-so! I can’t stand you anymore!….”
— Great, then you say «Thank you!» and put that.e.u. Just put that.e.u.
How will you feel after you told Aunt Rosa everything in plain text?
— Wow, I did it!
— Fine! Then do it! What are the consequences, however? Think for sure.
She will not communicate with me for several months.
— Will that suit you?
— (With pleasure:) More than. I will take a break from it… Lord, what a simple solution! And why be smart?
— And if dad calls and asks what happened there and why did you talk to her like that?
— It’s all right: I asked him for permission to deal with it myself. In extreme cases, I’ll tell him: “Dad, well, I don’t know how to talk as patiently as you!”
In total, we follow the rules of behavior in conflict:
- We always monitor our behavior, we behave syntonously, respectfully, like decent people.
- In the case of conflict behavior of others, we evaluate the mutual levers of influence and the prospects for a possible conflict.
- First, in a soft, syntonic form, we discuss the situation and ask you to remove the conflictogens.
- The issue is not resolved — we warn of a future conflict in a harsh manner, while at the same time offering to resolve the issue peacefully.
- If this does not help, we conduct a conflict, win the conflict and now offer good relations on our terms.
Well, remember: difficult relationships with relatives in the first place should be taken on by the one whose relatives they are.