When starting a family, most do not plan to have extramarital affairs. But cheating is one of the most common causes of divorce. We explain how frank conversations about emerging temptations will help to avoid this.
How and why do we change
The statistics are not encouraging: in 41% of marriages, one or both spouses admit to physical or emotional infidelity. At the same time, 57% of men and 51% of women report that they cheated on partners in all their relationships. Sad conclusion: betrayals are as common as loyalty.
Research confirms the stereotypes: most often men cheat for fun, and women start affairs in search of love and intimacy. If we are not satisfied with our sex life, the risk of infidelity increases. If the relationship lacks intimacy and we don’t feel loved, the likelihood of cheating increases again.
The usual ways don’t work
Ironically, the usual ways to protect a marriage from cheating often backfire. Many of us use the scare parenting strategy: we tell our partners that if we cheat, the relationship will end. It seems to us that this works, but in fact, intimidation simply teaches you to better hide your adventures on the side.
Feelings of guilt or fear of exposure do not keep from betrayal — they keep from talking about it, but if they are silent about betrayal, this does not mean that it did not exist. So do not rely on intimidation and turn into a detective who constantly monitors your spouse.
How to prevent cheating
Protecting a marriage from infidelity is like protecting a house from a fire. There is no house that cannot burn down and we can protect it 100%. The only thing we can do is reduce the risk of disaster through preventive action.
So, you need to develop the skills of self-observation and confidential communication with a partner. If you find an actor, musician, or stranger you met on your way to work attractive, you can talk about it in a joking manner. It’s better than feeling guilty about being attracted to someone else.
But it is important that the spouses adequately respond to such revelations and do not start throwing accusations. If you tell your husband about your attraction to a man who works in your pool, then your husband’s honest story about an attractive neighbor should not cause aggression and reproaches on your part.
When we talk about these feelings, relationships become closer and more trusting. We can be ourselves in front of our partner and feel safe.
Of course, frank conversations about emerging temptations do not guarantee protection against a «catastrophe», but they provide insurance. But if both spouses always keep such thoughts to themselves, these secrets will sooner or later begin to multiply and betrayal will not be so far away.
About the author: Steven Ing is a psychotherapist and author of We’re All Like This (2015).