Your preschooler drew your portrait. Well, as a portrait – more like a cracker. “Wow! You must be ready to exclaim right away. “Yes, you are a real artist!” Before these words leave your lips, take a moment to think about what you are going to say. The right praise will make the little artist happy and motivate to continue to work hard, but if you choose the wrong words, you can only harm the baby: kill his motivation at the root, damage his self-esteem, or even turn him into a narcissist.
“We tend to think that praise is good,” says psychologist and developmental expert Shannon Zentoll. “However, focusing on a child’s predominantly innate abilities—for example, saying “you’re smart” instead of “you’re great at math”—we can hurt him.” This attitude suggests that these “good” qualities are central to his personality. When we praise children for who they are, they are less likely to take failure and begin to prefer easy tasks over hard ones, since any failure can threaten their identity.
This is also how children begin to focus on potential mistakes. Zentoll and her colleague Bradley Morris conducted a study using eye-tracking technology. It turned out that children who were praised for who they were (“you are a good artist”) mainly focused on drawing mistakes. This is quite consistent with the theories of thought proposed by the psychologist Carol Dweck. According to Dweck, a fixed mindset—the belief that our abilities are innate and do not change—limits our ability to make personal progress.
Another thing is when children are praised for what they have done: “You must have worked hard to do so well in a math test,” or even: “good job.” Children who receive this kind of feedback are more motivated to take on new challenges and are more resilient to the shock of failure. It also develops a “growth mindset”: the belief that abilities can be improved if enough effort is put in.
In another study, Dweck and colleagues videotaped parents interacting with their toddlers and then chatted with them when the children were older. Children who were praised for their actions at an early age developed a “growth mindset” and were better at math and reading comprehension.
Another study found that when kindergartners heard mixed praise, words that celebrated their accomplishments motivated them, but appraising them as a person could have a negative impact on perseverance. “The conclusion is generally disappointing,” the scientist admits. “Few of us as parents always manage to choose the right words.”
So, the main thing is to praise children for what they do. But when a kid turns you into a cracker on a piece of paper, there’s more to keep in mind. “When you tell a child that he has achieved a fantastic result, he may feel pressured, as if he should achieve such results in the future, constantly.”
When parents feel that a child’s self-esteem is not very high, they begin to over-praise him.
In another study, Zentoll and Morris examined a broader range of rewards. After the kindergarteners completed the drawing task, they were praised in various ways: for being who they are, for what they did, giving them high-fives, giving them a thumbs up, or simply saying, “Cool!” Those children, whose approval was expressed by gestures or simple encouragement, later on were as persistent and stubborn as everyone else. Zentoll says any type of encouragement is fine, as long as you don’t overdo it or your child will simply stop listening to it.
However, keeping this in mind can be quite difficult. Psychologist Eddie Brummelman found that when parents feel that a child’s self-esteem is not very high, they begin to over-praise him. “Instead of telling the child that he made a good drawing, they exclaim that they see a masterpiece in front of them,” he explains.
Alas, such praise only lowers the child’s self-esteem and makes him avoid difficulties: he is afraid that he will no longer be able to meet such a high standard. Besides, it doesn’t take long to cultivate narcissistic traits in him, even though his self-esteem will remain low.
It would seem that all these rules: what to say and what not – just paralyze. “There is a big risk that the parent will start choosing words too carefully,” agrees Brummelman. But everything comes with experience. Keep responding to what the child is doing so that he will understand whether he is doing well or not. Just remember: praise should be honest, restrained, and related to the child’s actions.
Of course, easier said than done. “It’s hard to say just the right things all the time, because it’s not a natural process,” recalls Zentoll. But we, as parents, should not reach for an unattainable bar, a ghostly ideal. It is in our power to give children adequate and healthy feedback.