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Whom and what to praise: the child himself or his deeds?
Many parents believe that praise helps a child gain self-confidence. In fact, praise can lead to nervousness, bad behavior of the child. Why?
Yes, because the more he receives undeserved praise, the more often he seeks to show his “true nature”. Parents often say: it is worth praising a child for good behavior — and he breaks loose as if trying to refute the praise.
How to praise and how not to
Does this mean that praise is «obsolete»? Not at all. However, do not use it right and left. Medicines, for example, are prescribed to the patient only in strict accordance with the recommendations of the doctor, who indicates the time of taking them, the dose, takes into account contraindications, the possibility of allergic reactions. You should also be careful with a potent “medicine” of a different kind: you can evaluate, praise only the actions and deeds of the child, and not himself.
Here is an example that shows how to praise. Eight-year-old Jim did a good job in the garden, raking the leaves, throwing out the trash, putting the tools neatly back in their place. The mother liked his work and expressed her approval to her son.
Mother. The garden was so dirty… I didn’t even think that everything could be cleaned in one day.
Jim. But I did!
Mother. It was full of leaves and rubbish.
Jim. I removed everything.
Mother. This is work!
Jim. Yes, it wasn’t easy.
Mother. The garden is so beautiful now, it’s nice to look at it.
Jim. It became clean.
Mother. Thank you son.
Jim (smiling broadly). Not at all.
The mother praised Jim’s action, and the boy felt joy and pride that he had done it. That evening, he looked forward to his father coming home to show him the clean garden and feel proud of his work again.
How NOT to praise
On the contrary, praises that evaluate the child himself, not his act, only are harmful:
You are a wonderful son.
“You are a real mother’s helper.
What would mom do without you?
Such comments will only cause doubt and anxiety: the child will feel that he is far from being such a “wonderful son” and cannot be this exemplary son at all. Therefore, without waiting to be «exposed», he would prefer to immediately relieve his heart by confessing to some misconduct.
Praise hits the eyes just like the bright sun — and just as blinding. The child becomes embarrassed if he is called wonderful, sweet, generous, modest. He feels he must refute this praise, at least in part. It is impossible to say publicly: «Thank you, I accept your praise.» But the inner voice also tells the child that it is impossible to honestly say to yourself: “I am simply wonderful: I am kind, and strong, and generous, and modest.”
The child will not only refute the praise, but will also think of those who praise him, something like this: “If they think so well of me, then they themselves are not worth much!”
Our words and children’s conclusions
So, praise should be directed to the deeds and deeds of the child, and not to his personality. You need to build your comment in such a way that the children themselves draw positive conclusions about themselves and their abilities.
Ten-year-old Kenny helped his father equip the basement of the house. While working, he had to move heavy furniture.
Father. The workbench is so heavy. It’s hard to move him.
Kenny (proudly). I did it.
Father. The work is not easy.
Kenya (flexing his arm and tensing his muscles). I’m strong.
In this example, the father indicated the difficulty of the task. The son himself made a conclusion about his abilities. And if a father had said, “You are so strong, son,” Kenny could have replied, “Not at all. There are boys stronger than me in our class.” An insulting and unnecessary argument would follow …
What do children look like in their own eyes?
Praise is made up of two components — our words and the conclusions of children. Our words should express a clear positive assessment of the child’s actions, intentions, the child’s help to us, his understanding, etc. We must put our judgment in such a form that the child can almost unmistakably draw a realistic conclusion about himself from it. Here are some examples showing how to praise children.
Proper Praise: “Thank you for washing the car. She now sparkles like new!
Possible conclusion: «I did a good job, and my work was appreciated.»
(Wrong Praise: «You’re just great.»
Proper Praise: “Your poem touched me very much.”
Possible conclusion: «It’s good that I can write poetry.»
(Wrong Praise: “That’s not bad poetry for your age.”
Proper Praise: «The bookcase you made is so pretty!»
Possible conclusion: «I can carpentry.»
(Wrong Praise: «You are a good carpenter.»
Proper Praise: “Thank you very much, you washed all the dishes today!”
Possible conclusion: «I helped my mother.»
(Wrong Praise: «You did it better than our mom.»
Proper Praise: «There are interesting thoughts in your essay.»
Possible conclusion: «I can write in an original way.»
(Wrong Praise: “You write well for your age. But, of course, there is much more to be learned.”
What the child will say about himself in response to our words, later he will repeat mentally. These internal realistic positive assessments largely determine the child’s good opinion of himself and the world around him.
How to criticize a child
When is criticism constructive and when is it destructive? Creative criticism is limited to pointing out how to do what needs to be done, completely omitting negative assessments of the child’s personality. See →