First of all, let’s say that praise the child is necessary! People involved in the upbringing and education of children, parents should keep in mind that you need to start any business with a sense of success (this is true not only for children, but also for adults). The feeling of success should be manifested not only at the end, but also at the beginning of the action. Creating conditions that cause children to feel the joy of searching, overcoming, is a special task for a professional teacher.
However, each educator must independently solve the same problem daily and hourly: what to praise the child for, what aspects of his behavior or, perhaps, what of the results of the child’s work (drawing, modeling, sung song, etc.) could give reason for a positive assessment of the personality of the child.
“If you don’t know what to praise a child for, come up with it!” — Reasonably advises psychiatrist and psychotherapist V. Levy in the book «Non-Standard Child». The main thing that should be conveyed to the child here is a sincere belief in his abilities. Something similar appears in «adult» social psychology under the name «advanced trust», which causes a significant personal and professional development effect. The technique of «intensive psychotherapy» in working with adults is primarily based on the belief in the possibility of personal growth.
And now about how NOT to praise:
1. It is harmful if a child is praised for what comes easily to him, for what is given to him by nature itself.
Praise not for work, not for effort, but only for the presence of ability does not give anything that would really be necessary for the child for his development. And it can hurt, especially when it is repeated.
Repeating praise unnecessarily acts like a drug: the child gets used to it and waits for it. He is imbued with a sense of his superiority over others, and if he is not accustomed to work that realizes his abilities, then he may not take place as a person: egocentrism will completely lock him in on himself, he will go all in anticipation of admiration and praise. Their termination will cause that chronic discomfort from which envy, petty resentment, jealousy of someone else’s success, suspicion and other painful attributes of egocentrism, a failed «genius» are born.
2. It is doubly harmful to praise someone to whom something comes easily, setting him as an example to those who find it difficult, despite their efforts.
Scolding one and praising the other, imposing him as an example to the first, they are opposed to each other. The very fact of an unfair assessment of effort, or rather, silence, ignoring it, seriously injures the psyche of the child (and not only the child!). This reduces the motivation to work. And opposition cannot cause a desire to «take an example» from the one who is unfairly praised.
On the contrary, it only pushes them away from each other, oppressing one and corrupting the other. Opposition cultivates an unhealthy rivalry that stimulates not diligence at all, but egocentric tendencies. Opposition can cause negativism, the rejection of those activities that do not guarantee success.
3. It is harmful when people praise too often, unnecessarily and insincerely.
This devalues praise, and accustoms to cheap success, and contributes to a thoughtless attitude towards what comes from the elders. Watching children, their elders, you yourself will be able to see other harms of thoughtless praise.
4. It is important to praise the specific act of the child, what he did, what he achieved, and not his personality as a whole.
Otherwise, you can form too much self-conceit and biased self-esteem, expectations. If in later life the child is faced with the fact that the people around him do not value him as highly as he thinks of himself, then this can lead to neurosis.
In general, excessive praise from parents brings up hysterical character traits in the child in the form of an excessive need for enthusiastic, admiring recognition of his personality. Psychologists believe that a child’s assessment of his personality consists of two things: from what we say to children, and from what the child himself, on the basis of our words, concludes about himself.
Taking into account the recommendation — to praise the deed and only the deed — it is necessary to take into account the age of the children. Psychologists are certainly right that the assessment consists of these two components. However, in order for a child to be able to self-assess himself on the basis of an adult’s assessment, he must, at least once, experience a positive assessment of his personality (at least so that he has the opportunity to say to himself: “Well done!” ). Preschool childhood is the time when positive assessments of the personality as a whole are pedagogically justified.