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When one of the partners decides to break off a love relationship, the other becomes a “victim” of this decision. But parting is a difficult experience for both. And yet, after passing through this test, we can know ourselves better and become stronger. How to end a relationship without ruining your life?
The message “We decided to leave,” 34-year-old Nikolai posted on Facebook, explaining that since he announced his marriage on the social network, it is logical to notify friends about further developments. And he’s not the only one who did this. Maybe it’s time to talk about the emergence of new parting rituals? By the way, Nikolai did not ask his wife’s consent to publish the news. So in some cases, the message about the breakup can be seen as a way to finally annoy the partner. “People rarely part well, because if they were well, they would not part,” wrote Marcel Proust1. Can’t this be avoided? Can! In any case, Ekaterina and Zakhar think so, they are 28 years old. And this despite the fact that the separation was not easy: Catherine, having answered the call on her husband’s mobile phone, realized that there was another woman in his life. “I didn’t expect this at all. And when I demanded an explanation from Zakhar, he replied that he wanted us to part. I was furious, it even got to the point that I made a scene with insults at his work. I was contemplating more revengeful plans when my best friend plucked up the courage to tell me, “Do you really think that suffering gives you the right to do all sorts of nasty things?” This stopped me. Tears replaced rage. After some time, Zakhar stopped being angry with me for my antics, and we were able to talk again, and talked a lot, week after week. Ultimately, this is exactly what I needed!”
Pass the tests
- Are you following your true desires?
- When do you feel lonely?
Time cures
It takes time to recover. Any breakup is a trajectory consisting of a whole series of feelings: anger, hatred, depression, a feeling of helplessness … “Torment is inevitable,” says psychoanalyst Gérard Tixier, “but you need to force yourself to sort out this hodgepodge of feelings. To realize, for example, that echoes of suffering from previous breakups, such as parental divorce or previous quarrels, are mixed with the grief that takes place. He advises “to use your mind to recognize what emotions have taken over us.” This must be done so as not to confuse the pain of not having a partner and the narcissistic pain caused by the fact that the breakup spoils our self-image. The only way to remain the protagonist of your story and not take on the role of a victim is to understand your experiences. After all, while we are in some role, we exist in our own imagination, and not in reality.
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6 steps from defeat to renewal
Family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova believes that the lessons of love failures help us become happier.
1. Remember the beginning of the relationship. Return to that deep desire that led you to them. Ask yourself what wounds they didn’t heal you from. Now you know that the best way to fulfill your desires is you yourself.
2. Find meaning in events. Instead of asking “why?” ask yourself the question “For what?”. Take advantage of failure to improve your life. Resist the temptation to blame your partner for everything. Rather, think about what you would like to change in your life and your behavior.
3. Reclaim your resources. We invest a lot in those we love. Emotions, mental strength, care, plans for the future. Sometimes it seems that a part of our personality has forever remained in a loved one. However, in reality, you still have everything that you gave so generously. Create a symbolic image of your contribution to your loved one, and then mentally return it to yourself. Feel inside yourself what was given: the ability to love, spiritual generosity and kindness. All this belongs to you again and will be needed in a new relationship.
4. Take action. Just understanding is not enough. Take action to build your own new life and solve problems on your own. Repeat the desired actions regularly so that they become a habit. You will need perseverance, but the effort will not be in vain: gradually your thoughts and feelings will change and you will open a new path.
5. Accept this experience. Let go of the idea that your meeting was a mistake and don’t blame yourself. There were no mistakes, but there was a joint experience. The connection between you remains, so do not evaluate it negatively.
6. Thank your ex. He helped you in the difficult task of self-understanding and inner growth. Forget about failure, but learn from it.
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- “Toxic” person: is it time to part with him?
Speak and listen
Conversation helps to avoid self-destruction, the designation in words of the meaning of the experienced. Ideally, it is better to talk with a partner, but even if you come across his silence, it is useful to make a “report” in order to understand what this story of ours, which is now coming to an end, has given us. “And if you can’t do it alone,” continues Gerard Tixier, “do not hesitate to seek the help of those who have already experienced this, contact relatives or consult a psychotherapist.”
“It was the end of the world for me,” Anna, 42, says of the divorce. “I gained a lot of weight, dressed differently, got into car accidents three times; on weekends I lay in bed in a room with the curtains drawn. My relatives were worried about me. And then friends organized an evening to which they invited me and my ex-husband, and each of those present spoke about their experience of breaking up a relationship. This helped me a lot. I acknowledged the obvious: I am no exception, everyone experienced a breakup. But now they felt rather well. And I told myself that I need to perceive this gap not as a natural disaster, but as another event – albeit not the most joyful one – in a number of other events in my life. The more willing I am to accept the situation, the easier it will be for me to start rebuilding my life.”
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- Question to the expert: “Because of him, my parents broke up”
Gift and Forgiveness
It rarely happens that two equally want to leave. “When I suggested that Alexei break up,” recalls 35-year-old Olga, “I thought he would agree, because we no longer had anything in common. But he panicked because he had never lived alone. Then I helped him establish a new life: rent and furnish an apartment, enroll in a modern dance club, which he was fond of. It was not easy for us, but we parted, maintaining respect for each other, which is very valuable to me.
Contradictions between the partner who initiated the breakup and who had time to develop a new life plan, and the one who became the victim of this decision, are inevitable. “The one who leaves can help his partner maintain self-respect by noting the positive that was in their relationship,” says Elena Ulitova, a family therapist. – It is important to show nobility, perhaps even from a financial point of view. By paying, we kind of feel less guilty.” The abandoned partner is likely to be at a loss for some time, “why they did this to me.” But if a partner ends the relationship, it means that he was no longer happy in them. It may be hard to admit, but it’s better than being stuck as the sufferer. “The gap shows that there was a weak spot somewhere,” continues Elena Ulitova. Not all stories are meant to continue. Perhaps we meet some people along the way of life to help us see where we were wrong and bring us closer to who we are. They leave us when their absence becomes more useful for our development than their presence.
Yes, a breakup can be beneficial. But under two conditions: firstly, if you avoid obsessive repetition of situations (you may have to work with a psychotherapist), and secondly, if you do not keep evil. “You need to forgive and let go of your partner,” says Elena Ulitova, “even if he acted dishonorably. Although more often it happens that the relationship has simply exhausted itself. We complete them to start something new. We seem to be moving from class to class, gaining new knowledge and new life experience.”
Read more:
- “I can’t part with a married man”
A test that makes us stronger
If former partners remain friends, is this the ideal option for parting? “Don’t believe it! answers family counselor Françoise Sand. “Friendship and love are two similar feelings, so when parting, it is important to go to the end.” If you stay close immediately after a breakup, it will give rise to misunderstandings. In what one considers friendship, the other may see a chance for the revival of love. For him, the collapse of this last hope, perhaps, will be a harder experience than the break itself. And yet, after some time, “sometimes it is possible to move on to friendly relations,” says Elena Ulitova. – Former partners often have family feelings for each other, especially when they have children in common. If you manage to build a neutral friendly relationship, this is a great success. Such relationships will not interfere with new love and at the same time will allow you to calmly resolve property issues and raise children.
Now Alexey meets with Olga from time to time: “Five years have passed since our breakup, and I do not regret that we broke up, although two years after the breakup were the worst in my life. I realized that I lived as a recluse to please her, and I love to be in public. Now I enjoy spending evenings dancing, making new friends. I recently met a woman who, like me, is in love with jive and hustle. I’m still on my guard: I’m afraid that love will make me suffer again. But now I know what I’m ready to agree to and what not.
Rupture is like a trial by fire: first it burns, then it tempers. “Tempers in the sense,” says Gerard Tixier, “that it allows us to reveal such qualities as strength and endurance. Maturity occurs through the better use of the potential that we previously ignored. Suffering reveals to us that part of ourselves that we did not know existed, and shows us what we want from life. In other words, they show us the way to true love: for another person or for ourselves.
1 M. Proust “In Search of Lost Time” (Alpha book, 2009).