Jealousy is familiar to everyone: the guy who forbids his girlfriend to spend time with her friends, the wife who follows her husband’s every move like a detective. There are many more such examples. But there is another jealousy – to the past.
Any jealousy usually arises for one reason – we are afraid that a loved one or a loved one will leave us for someone else. Although this fear is most often unfounded and irrational, it is still based on the real possibility that, in theory, a partner may fall in love with a new colleague or meet someone on the Internet.
However, jealousy of the past has no real grounds. Most often, former partners no longer pose any threat to current relationships, but jealous people cannot get them out of their heads, tormented by obsessive thoughts about former lovers or mistresses of their partner.
The manifestations of the first and second types of jealousy are surprisingly similar. Both cause anger, fear, anxiety, and paranoia. Both can lead a jealous person to do crazy things, such as spying on a partner with spyware on a computer or phone, or “interrogating.”
Both types of jealousy destroy relationships, and as a result, even a perfect union does not stand up.
Both types of jealousy are difficult to get rid of. Moreover, it is usually more difficult to recover from jealousy of the past, simply because it is directed not to the present, but to the past. The very fact that the suffering jealous person understands how irrational his feelings about the events left in the past makes getting rid of this scourge a difficult task.
Intellectually, the jealous person understands that everything that worries him is left behind, but on an emotional level he cannot get rid of heavy thoughts. As a result, he falls into a vicious circle – the more he understands that his thoughts are insane, the deeper he plunges into this madness.
Unfortunately, phrases like “Forget it already” or “His (her) past made them what they are now” do not help the jealous. If it were so easy for him to decide for himself – “That’s it, I won’t think about it anymore. Stop living in the past,” he would have done it a long time ago.
How can a jealous person break the vicious circle? Here are three solutions.
How to overcome jealousy of the past?
1. Don’t think
The more you think about events from the past, the more anxiety will grow, it will begin to feed on itself.
2. Boost your self-esteem
Remember – if you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it. The problem is not in the past, but in our distortion of it. You have a lot of work to do to increase your self-esteem and reduce the fear that your partner will find someone “better”.
Deep down, we worry about our partner’s past because we are afraid of losing him in the present. Think about what you don’t like about yourself – you probably think that your partner doesn’t like these traits either. Engage in self-improvement.
3. Stop Judging
In jealousy of the past there is often also a strong element of condemnation. Perhaps your partner has done something in the past that hurts or makes you angry. Therefore, it is extremely important to work through and eliminate this condemnation.
So here are three keys to recovery: work on your self-esteem, stop judging your partner, and try not to fall into the trap of overthinking about the past, and soon you will feel the pangs of jealousy begin to leave you.
About the Author: Jeff Billings is the author of How to Stop Jealousy About Your Partner’s Past in 12 Steps.