How to overcome irritability and learn endurance

Every time our computer freezes, we feel our jaws clench. We grumble and sigh as we queue at the coffee shop. We begin to swear and drum on the steering wheel. We are ashamed that we lose our temper so easily over small things.

Patience—the ability to remain calm in the face of adversity, disappointment, and suffering—is worth cultivating. Research shows that people who are patient are healthier and less prone to depression and negative emotions. They are also, on average, less selfish and better able to empathize with others.

In a 2012 study, scientists identified three types of patience:

1. Ability to deal with unpleasant people.
2. The ability to endure life’s hardships and always find at least something good in the bad.
3. The ability to endure everyday minor annoyances without getting annoyed over trifles.

Fortunately, experts have found that endurance can be developed. What should be done in order to worry less about trifles.

Does the tiger threaten you?

The body responds to a situation of danger with the “fight or flight” reaction. “Annoyance is one of the options for hitting,” explains M. J. Ryan, author of The Power of Patience. “That’s why we break down and start yelling at the saleswoman or go crazy in a long line.” This reaction in ancient times saved the ancestors from ferocious predators, but in most cases it is not relevant for modern living conditions.

However, we often react to minor setbacks as if we are facing catastrophic consequences. The “blame” for this is the amygdala, an area of ​​the brain responsible for recognizing threats and regulating emotions.

“The amygdala is ‘naive’, unable to distinguish between a real danger (say, a threat from a tiger attack) and an unpleasant situation that is not life-threatening in any way (such as an interaction with a pushy person),” says the author. If we want to better control ourselves, our task is to learn to see this difference.

Consider whether there is any point in worrying

“Most likely, some of your words to yourself, or the image or sensation in the body includes a feeling that you are in danger,” says Ryan. As soon as you mentally formulate a problem – for example, “I can’t stand in this line that long!” You can interrupt the fight-or-flight stress response. Let’s say you are infuriated by a long traffic jam – you can repeat the mantra: “I’m not in a hurry to go anywhere right now.” If you get angry when you’re looking for a parking spot for a long time, say to yourself: “It’s okay, I’ll find a place to park.”

The idea is to look at the situation from the outside and as objectively as possible. Is it really unpleasant to stand in a long line? Undoubtedly. But it is clear that sooner or later you will pass it and forget about this episode forever.

In addition, you can imagine the worst-case scenario. Let’s say you have to wait in line at the bank for an extra 20 minutes. What will be the consequences for you? Does this sound like a life or death dilemma? Almost always the answer will be no.

Learn to see the bigger picture

Sarah Schnitker, assistant professor in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at Baylor University, recommends using the mindful reappraisal technique. The point is to change your perspective on an annoying situation. For example, let’s say you were pissed off by a picky colleague. Do not get stuck on this emotion, but try to remember the times when you yourself made others angry.

“It helps to treat a colleague indulgently,” says Sarah. You can remind yourself: “Oh, this situation will help my personal growth!”

The second technique she recommends is refocusing. Look at the situation more broadly. Ask yourself: how does endurance and patience align with my values ​​in this case? “For example, if I were approached by a parent who is not having a good relationship with a child, I would ask him to consider this situation in a broader context. Think about why he considers the role of a parent important to him? What place does this role occupy in his life?

When we understand how patience fits into this broader picture of values, it’s easier for us to stay calm in everyday situations and form a new pattern of behavior, Schnitker explains.

Don’t Expect Quick Results

Don’t be fooled into thinking you can get over your irritability right away, warns Sarah Schnitker. You will be disappointed. It is impossible to run a marathon without serious training.

Changing behavior patterns takes practice. The best way to learn endurance is through simple, mundane situations where the stakes are not so high for you.

Rethink your habits

Now, by knowing your triggers and trying to avoid the fight-or-flight trap, you can consciously eliminate or mitigate some stressful situations in your life.

For example, if you always get turned on by standing in line, download a game on your phone that will brighten up the long wait. If traffic jams bother you, leave for a business meeting with plenty of time. If crowds of people in stores annoy you, go shopping during less popular hours.

Be realistic

“Sometimes we overestimate the possibilities without thinking about how long it will take to do something,” says clinical social worker Nedra Glover Tawab. “It’s important to set realistic goals based on how many things you can actually get done in a given amount of time.”

So, if you have 10 items on your to-do list for tomorrow, but in reality you can only complete five in a day, then you are deliberately preparing yourself for failure. If the day is planned to the minute, then because of any hitch, you can fly off the coils. “I can’t speed up time, I can’t make other people speed up,” Tawab sums up. “There are things that do not depend on me. In fact, the only thing I can control is myself.”

Source: nytimes.com