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Anorexia, or anorexia, is a disease that usually has a very innocent beginning. It begins with the desire to lose a few unnecessary kilograms to turn into an obsession and a pursuit of the perfect body over time. It can appear in anyone, regardless of age, gender or social status. Can you fight it effectively?
- Anorexia, or anorexia nervosa, is a disorder in food intake, fear of gaining weight and consciously refusing to eat. Many people with anorexia feel that, despite being apparently underweight, they are actually still obese
- The disease can affect anyone. Women, men and children are ill. Research shows that 10 percent. patients with anorexia die because of it
- According to the researchers, the daughters of women who were ill more often struggle with anorexia
The author of this article suffered from anorexia. The disease was the result of a desire for control. Today her nine-year-old daughter begins to carefully analyze her body in the mirror at the beginning of puberty …
It begins in front of the mirror. I can see that familiar look that disturbs me in my daughter. Josefine, nine, pulls up her T-shirt and, with obvious disgust, nibbles at a small fold on her stomach – more skin than fat. “This is fat,” he says, and hits himself with a clenched fist. «Come on, what’s that supposed to mean ?!» I exclaim, terrified.
At the same time, I begin to regret not having reacted in a more balanced manner. I could laugh and say something like, “Don’t tell me, there’s nothing fat here.” But I can’t. Instead, there is a memory of myself at that age. The time when, at the age of ten or eleven, I was staring at my reflection. Critically. With amazement. Unhappy.
I entered the age of puberty early. I was not fat, but I was muscular. Today, when I look at my photos from that period, I see a slim, athletic girl, but taller than her peers. In my eyes, however, my friends were petite, delicate and sweet. I felt clumsy, heavy, like a log. Sometimes I beat my hips and they were starting to round. This gesture, which made the whole family laugh, was parroted by my mother because it looked so funny. Like a clumsy penguin.
Two years later, I starved myself to a weight of 38 kg with a height of 165 cm. As I spoke, you could see the bones of the skull moving. Hair started to grow on my cheeks, the so-called lanugo nap, which is the body’s defensive reaction to compensate for the lack of body fat. If I sat for a while, the bones of my buttocks started to ache, which, however, did not bother me at all, but rather the opposite – it gave me a feeling of fulfillment. When my father saw me in a T-shirt after I had worn voluminous wool sweaters for a long time, tears welled up in his eyes.
I was seriously ill. 10 percent This disease kills patients suffering from anorexia. I feel like crying at the thought of my daughter being so cruel to herself. Both the beginning and the end of my eating disorders are hard to pin down. Certainly, my condition was serious for 10 years. There were phases where I didn’t starve myself and I was vomiting, and then there were phases where it was all about food.
Josefine is friendly and adaptable. Too adapted?
It is not easy to leave such a disease behind. About a third of people fail to heal. For most, nutrition remains a sensitive topic, to say the least. They continue to count calories, weigh and measure, deny themselves fatty or sweet products. I am one of the lucky ones who came out of anorexia largely unscathed: I eat what I want and for years I have not known exactly how much I weigh. I am healthy.
Recently my daughter said, “When I’m sad, I feel fat.” The day after her birthday, she makes a decision that she will eat only healthy food. If he is offered ice cream, chocolate or cake, he refuses with the words: “I’ve eaten something sweet before.” She does it not only at home, because her friends’ mothers also tell me about it. Remarkable self-control for a girl her age.
However, in the case of Josefine, it does not surprise me. She is one of those kids who never forget to do their homework, and I don’t need to remind her to study for a test. She has been learning to play the classical guitar for three years – she wanted it herself, I would prefer a trumpet. Josefine is polite and so adjusted that I get worried sometimes. She is also very popular in class and I constantly hear that she helps others, soothes arguments or comforts someone. He only treats himself with all severity. Just like me.
Now he is also showing full discipline in his approach to food, and I ask myself: how much of this has to do with me? Did I unknowingly pass on to my daughter exactly what I wanted to protect her from?
How do mothers with eating disorders affect daughters?
– Women who have suffered or suffer from eating disorders must be especially careful not to pass it on to their daughters – says the English psychotherapist Susie Orbach, author of books such as “Fat is a Feminist Issue” or “Bodies”, who has gained fame as a struggling therapist. with Princess Diana’s bulimia. Psychologists at the American Yale University have been studying the effects of mothers with eating disorders on their children since the early 90s. They found that these women, in particular, transmit to their daughters their own fears of the body. Susie Orbach believes that mothers generally treat their daughters with greater criticism because they feel closer to them and see them as a mirror image of themselves. I must admit at this point that I cannot imagine my own daughter other than slim and athletic.
Carolin Martinovic, a therapist from Munich, tells of mothers who, before their daughters experienced anorexia, went on a diet with them or encouraged them to lose a few pounds. Who always told the kids: don’t eat it or you’ll get fat! I didn’t say anything like that to Josefine, and I don’t remember anything like that from my own childhood.
However, I learned from my mother that the female body is a problematic zone. I remember countless critical comments about her own figure and sentences like: “Ms. X unfortunately gained a lot of weight. My mother is 75 today and wears a size 36 as always. A bigger one would be unthinkable, as she admits. – With age, you do not have to get fat – these are her words. I’ve also been wearing the same size for decades. I do not have to go on a diet for this or torture myself with harsh training. But how would I react to a few extra pounds? Probably not very well.
At the same time, with regard to other women, I am a strong advocate of physical diversity. To friends who criticize their appearance or weight, I always say, “You look good.” And I’m not lying. I perceive others with more understanding than myself.
Daughters take over their mothers’ eyes
Silja Vocks from the University of Osnabrück investigated how realistically women with an eating disorder can judge their body. It turns out that they have big problems with it. A recent research project by Professor Vocks has shown that mothers and daughters pay more attention to the same areas of their body when they look in the mirror. The more negatively a mother assesses any part of her figure, the more strongly her daughter does it. – Both focus primarily on places that they find unattractive – says the researcher. Apparently the daughters take their mothers’ gaze.
I decide to seek advice. Is Josefine already showing symptoms of an eating disorder? Michael Schulte-Markwort, a child psychiatrist, reassures me that my vigilance is not overstated. The medical director of the children’s psychiatry department at the Hamburg-Eppendorf university clinic has dealt with many children with eating disorders. “Your daughter does not require treatment yet, but such a disciplined approach to eating and an overly critical approach to her own body are the first warning signs of an eating disorder,” she says.
In addition – which is often forgotten – in anorexia there is a genetic component, which has been confirmed by studies on twins. – In identical twins growing up separately, 80 percent. cases develop the same eating disorders, explains Schulte-Markwork. All of this does not give rise to panic yet, but I should follow my daughter’s approach to eating closely. And my own. – Please treat it as an early prevention – encourages the psychiatrist.
Do not make any noise about food, do not introduce prohibitions
I am beginning to pay attention to how my husband and I treat our children during family meals. The first thing a child psychiatrist advises us sounds almost obvious: meals should be fun and have communication components. In other words, we should not just eat in nutrients, but enjoy and chat while eating together. However, another piece of advice amazes me: everyone should eat as much as they want. Is it always wise? Schulte-Markwort explains that only in this way will children develop a feeling of fullness. So forbidden questions like: Do you really want to eat more of this? Or forcing another bite: Eat a little more, it won’t hurt you!
In addition, you need to make as little noise as possible around the food. Perhaps we have done the opposite so far. We eat willingly and a lot – but not fast food and sweets. A friend of mine recently told me that her children are allowed to eat freely between meals, because prohibitions only make forbidden treats more attractive. It would be unthinkable for us. In our kitchen, there has never been a packet of chips or a cake for dessert after the daily dinner. No “rubbish” – as my husband says. Sometimes we talk to other customers in the supermarket, whispering out how much they buy frozen pizza, potatoes or jelly beans. Josefine hears it all.
I try to remember what it was like at home. When did I stop carelessly inserting my favorite delicacies? I’m talking to my mother about it. “Oh God,” she says, then falls into a long silence. I understand what he is feeling.
To be more of a mother and less of friends
Recently I dreamed of a long-forgotten scene from when I was a teenager. I sit over a plate of fish fingers, drinking more cups of cocoa as it makes it easier to induce vomiting. Then I see a stream of blood puff from my mouth into the toilet bowl I bend over. Inducing vomiting led to a rupture of the vein in the nose. The first time it happened, I was terrified, then I just put up with it. I don’t know what fascinates me more about this memory today. Is it that as an adult woman I am deeply shocked by it? Or a perception of how few warm feelings I had for myself at the time?
My mother tells me about trips to the therapist, to whom I went more or less voluntarily for almost two years. An alternative was referral to a psychiatric ward or forced nutrition. “You almost always wore black and looked so petite in the car,” she recalls. The therapist then reminded her that she should fulfill a different role: she should not communicate with the 13-year-old as an equal. She should be more of a mother and less of a friend, while not overly dominating or constantly demanding. “In the eyes of many people, I was to blame for your misfortune,” he says. I answer that I don’t see it that way.
Today I am convinced that my eating disorders had many causes. These included: early puberty, the father, who often commented on the appearance of other women, judging the advantages and disadvantages of their bodies, and the divorce of the parents. However, all of this does not cause eating disorders in other girls. Apparently I was prone to getting sick. The desire to be in control of something prevailed.
Sometimes I ask myself if I have transferred this desire for control to my family and children. Josefine is top student, she has always been like that. Or maybe he is because he thinks I want it? Recently, on a bicycle trip, she had to pedal uphill for half an hour. Even I felt tired. But Josefine has taken over my credo that before we give up, you have to try. That effort can be fun. She could get off the bike, but she didn’t. My husband said, “You can do it!” So she pedaled on, and when she got all the way to the top, she was extremely tired, but also proud. “I have strong legs!”
She knows that her dad was a professional athlete, he trained until it was painful, and it happened that he could not sleep due to the pain. We often talk to my husband about the fact that it would be good for us to approach life more freely, to be less attentive to achievement. Accepting that certain things are simply enjoyable and serve no other purpose. Josefine’s circus acrobatics course for a year was childish at first. Now I’m happy with it. There is no pressure there.
It begins in front of the mirror. Recently, when I was standing in front of him, Josefine asked, “Mom, why are you looking like this? You’re pretty. I didn’t say anything, but my daughter sensed me well: I was staring at myself critically, though I try not to. It was then that I felt frustrated. What are my chances of communicating my acceptance of my own body without the burden? “There is no point in hiding anything from your daughter, because she will sense it anyway and will be concerned if you don’t say anything about it,” says Michael Schulte-Markwort. At the same time, I should not go into details or tell me how deeply I suffered from anorexia. However, the next time I see him look at himself in this way in a mirror, I can say, “I know how you feel, because at your age I was through the same experience.”
Should I tell Josefine how lovely she is at a time like this? “Please give your daughter fewer compliments about her appearance,” advises Silja Vocks. “Praise should be primarily about character and skill,” echoed Carolin Martinovic. Even little girls are still dressed in cute dresses and admired for their cute hairstyles. As a result, too many of them have a strong relationship with their self-esteem. Girls who are considered pretty are more likely to suffer from eating disorders.
Until now, I have always wished my daughter would consider herself beautiful when she looked in the mirror – also because at her age I did not know this feeling. Today I just wish that she would understand sooner than I do that our body is not a burden from which we must free ourselves.