How to open a closed person?

Precisely because we know what spiritual openness and open people are, we also know that there are closed people among us. A closed person is a person who does not let anyone into his social or spiritual world. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a person to have a good head, understand people, but a person does not know how to trust, and his usual state is closeness. Behind such mistrust, besides habit, there are fears, and not just fears (there are also reasonable, justified fears), but fears that are not unfounded, irrational fears, which are only covered by talk about the hostility of the world.

This happens in training. The group has almost become friends, the atmosphere is warm, the tasks are clear, the situation for the participants is completely safe — but at the same time, one or another person sits on the sidelines and says with a tense face: “I would like to trust, but I can’t trust people so quickly.” It is clear that there are no grounds for tension, anxieties and fears here, it is only a matter of fear, in the absence of the habit of trust.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​The closed behavior of one person in itself provokes others to restraint and reciprocal closeness. A person who does not know how to be open and trusting deprives himself of good friends, deprives himself of reasonable contacts and is forced to place himself in the company of closed people who look at each other with distrust.

By the way, among closed, distrustful people you can really see hostile reactions more often, because if I expect hostile actions will be committed against me, then I myself hide, and then, just in case, I give an adequate response. “A peaceful Soviet tractor destroyed an enemy battery with a return salvo!”

A self-fulfilling prophecy is triggered: open people are convinced that people can be trusted, and closed people receive confirmation that people cannot be trusted.

Types of closed people

Behind outwardly similar behavior, these can be two quite different types: habitually closed and neurotically closed.

A habitually closed person is not open because he was brought up that way and got used to it. Behind his closeness there is no pain, no fear of openness, no other special problems, he just saw such examples from childhood and was brought up that way.

A neurotically closed person is closed not from upbringing, but from this or that trauma, pain, problems and related fears. Sometimes the pain seems to have been forgotten, but habitually constrained behavior with an internal text: “keep quiet”, “keep your head down”, “I can’t afford it” accompanies his restrained gestures and tense shoulders. It is difficult to restrain oneself all the time, and internal tension is sometimes torn out by small injections, then by insults and accusations, after which there is a short relief and almost immediately — blaming oneself for one’s intemperance.

How to help a closed person?

It is difficult for a closed person to talk about his feelings, it is not easy to express his real thoughts and relationships, it is scary to take a bold step, it is scary both to be alone and to refuse loneliness and fall in love … Teaching such a person “not to worry” is probably a crime, the same as wrap the child so that he does not get sick …

So what to do?

First, what is usually not worth doing. Demand from a closed person “Open up! Start acting bold, confident, tell me what you think and feel? ”To give him shock loads in the hope of breaking through his defenses is hardly right. In fact, sometimes it helps, but more often it causes powerful resistance and even greater distrust and closeness.

What helps better? — Helps to make friends and gradually bring out good people in the company. If you manage to make friends with such a closed person, gradually he becomes more and more open next to you. It is best if he (she) manages to be pulled into a company of good people, but without the obligation to be active there: at first it is normal to just be there, watch, listen. Well, if you sit nearby, then the impressions will be more positive. And gradually, over and over again, a person warms up …

Difficulties: it often turns out that a closed person is a person with a difficult character. Simply put, a poorly educated person who does not know how to behave among people. If you are ready to give him lessons in social behavior, to accustom him to the elementary skills of good manners and good tone — honor and praise to you. Unfortunately, few people want to take care of a person who will not say thank you in response, or even “kick” inadvertently … Actually, this is the main difficulty: few people want to mess around with a closed person.

How to train yourself to be open?

If they tell you that you are not a very open person, and you would like to change the impression about yourself, this is real, but most likely you will have to teach yourself the following things. So, be interested in other people, try to talk them on topics that are interesting to them. When expressing your opinions, indicate your attitude. Make your face expressive. When expressing your attitude, tend to be positive more often. See →