How to Negotiate… with Your Loved Ones

Family, friends, lovers, neighbors… Even when communicating with loved ones, you can use the techniques of professional negotiators. The methodology developed by Harvard researchers, which until now was intended for resolving international and business conflicts, is now proposed for settling private disputes. We learn to convince others and come to a consensus with them.

The word “negotiations” is usually associated with business or diplomacy. But when we argue with a child about buying a new gadget or prove to my husband that it is better to spend a vacation at sea, and not on a hike in Karelia, we are unlikely to realize that we are also negotiating. In fact, if you think about it, negotiations are our daily reality. And, honestly, their results do not always suit us.

We insisted on our own and are going with the whole family to Turkey? But our joy is overshadowed by a sense of guilt: after all, my husband so dreamed of wandering through the northern forests (and besides, what a displeased look he now has!). We flinched at the sight of the child’s tears and bought him an expensive iPad, spending much more than we could afford, and now we are frustrated. Neither the tough nor the soft negotiating position brought us joy and satisfaction. Where is the exit?

For several decades, researchers participating in the Harvard Negotiation Project have been developing and improving the technique of conducting “negotiations without defeat”, based on common sense and mutual respect and tested in diplomacy in resolving international conflicts. According to experts, it is effective not only in business or diplomatic contacts, but also in everyday private life.

Here are the basic rules to follow.

be realistic

Your child is offered to be moved from math to regular class, but you are determined to keep him in a “strong” class. It is useless to dream: your negotiating skills will not be useful if the child has poor grades all the time. Well-thought-out negotiations are, first of all, taking care of your own interests. In this case, and about the interests of your son, who is clearly not coping with the program. A good negotiator knows when to start negotiations, when to break them, and – especially – when not even to start them.

Express your feelings, emotions and interests

Deep down, you are sure that revealing your interests means providing the enemy with additional weapons. This is about the same as buying products in the market: you need to look uninterested, otherwise it will be impossible to bargain. You liked a sheepskin coat – and you begin to criticize it in order to bring down the price. Perhaps you will succeed here. But what about a man who says to a woman flirting with him: “I won’t say that you are pretty, but anyway, I’m ready to have an affair with you”?

The ideal negotiating position is to be able to talk about your feelings without feeling any threat to yourself. Your good friend doesn’t want to lend you an expensive camcorder for the trip under an apparently far-fetched pretext? Most likely, you will be angry: it means that she does not trust me! But if your true interest is in maintaining friendships, open up to her and tell her how you feel. Just be careful about “rolling up” accusations. Instead of “Your rejection hurts me,” it’s better to say, “I feel betrayed when you don’t trust me.”

Understand the other’s point of view

This means recognizing that his opinion is just as valid as ours, which can be difficult to agree with in the heat of a discussion. Before you start negotiating with your husband about his sudden desire to move to another area, ask yourself two questions: “Why?” and “Why not?” Why does he want to move? Caprice? Hope to start a new life in a new place? A way to not wonder about your life together? And why not move?

Ask him calmly, even if you need to, just to confirm your own reluctance to move. If the tone of the conversation rises, don’t be afraid to repeat what the other person is saying to you: “Correct me if I’m wrong. You reproach me for being afraid of change, right?” This often allows you to limit the conflict and in any case not to use some too harsh words.

Do not threaten, do not blackmail, do not lie

“If you don’t clean your room, I’ll throw your things out the window!” One of two things: either you fulfill the threat and spoil the relationship, or you don’t fulfill it and then you lose all credibility. The same thing happens with emotional blackmail: “If you love me, you have to put up with the fact that my sister will go on vacation with us.” By doing this, you will only cause bitterness in your partner, which will certainly manifest itself later.

Admit your mistakes

Did you forget to buy what your son asked for? And they didn’t cope with their anger in a conversation with him: “Do you think that with my workload, I have nothing else to think about?” But admitting one’s mistake is never evidence of weakness: “Honey, I’m sorry, but I forgot.”

When you take some of the responsibility for the conflict on yourself, you confuse the other person and prevent the manifestation of a negative reaction on their part. It is also worth thinking about symbolic actions. In other words, if you plan to negotiate with your life partner at the family table, cook his favorite meal first.

Leave the interlocutors the opportunity to honorably withdraw from the negotiations

“You see that I am always right”, “If you had listened to me earlier!” Don’t put the other in a difficult position. And avoid personal attacks: “I’m sure you don’t want to go to the sea, because you are ashamed to appear in a bathing suit”, “You are an egoist who always thinks only of himself!” Such caustic phrases hurt and are not forgotten. Apply your diplomatic skills and find an apology for the other: “I know you had a difficult day, but I would so much like you to find the strength to go to dinner with the Ivanovs.”

Offer different solutions

To have only one solution left is to play on the principle of “make or break”. You are facing a wall, but so is your opponent. If you say to your boss: “Either you raise my salary, or I’m leaving,” what room for maneuver will you give him? But if you know in advance that you are ready to discuss the issue of a bonus or additional leave, you will benefit from flexibility and peace of mind. Show your imagination and encourage your interlocutor to do the same. This will allow you to explore several possible paths before deciding on something.

Don’t fool yourself

If I call my friend asking to lend me money, can I ask someone else if she refuses? Ask yourself this question, and it will allow you to determine the tone with which you will begin negotiations. To be effective, your solution must not be virtual. It is useless to threaten your husband that you will leave him, thinking that tomorrow you will meet someone better. Different job, different interest on the loan, different buyer of your car, different girlfriends. Be able to distinguish between fantasy and reality and do not deceive yourself.