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Not every couple discusses erotic topics. Although such a conversation can improve the relationship of two and even become a real aphrodisiac for them. Are you hesitant to try? You may need advice from a sexologist.
Embarrassment, lack of words, fear of shocking a partner or a habit … The reasons why we do not discuss our desires and erotic experiences can be different. They may be worth discussing with a therapist, especially if they are mixed with feelings of guilt and helplessness. But maybe you just don’t have enough practice?
“A conversation about sex is as natural as a dialogue over dinner,” says sexologist Irina Panyukova. “Sharing opinions about flavors enhances the enjoyment of food.”
Anyone who is able to discuss dishes during a meal can master the art of erotic conversation. Here are some suggestions.
1. Build your vocabulary
Erotic vocabulary is very individual. Not everyone likes diminutive suffixes and playful words, someone is unsettled by rudeness and swearing, while for others the same words serve as a powerful aphrodisiac.
If you have not yet determined your own preferences, you can do this by getting acquainted with how the characters of different books conduct erotic conversations.
It can be a classic, such as the antique Decameron, Denis Diderot’s Immodest Treasure, or Fanny Hill. Memoirs of a Comfort Woman by John Cleland. More modern works are also suitable: the diaries of Anais Nin, the novel «Emmanuelle» by Emmanuel Arsan.
When reading, pay attention to your reaction and choose those words and expressions that are consonant with you. Try writing them down. It is likely that you will write many of them for the first time in your life and at the same time experience new unusual sensations that will bring new colors to your erotic palette in the future.
2. Talk to a mirror
Undress, stand in front of a mirror, smile at your reflection. Name aloud what you see: nose, eyes, lips, hair, chest, belly … Habitual words take on an exciting meaning when we mentally associate them with sex. Come up with pleasant epithets: sensual hands, satin skin. As you change positions, keep naming different parts of your body.
If words are not enough, use parables. Some couples give their genitals proper names, such as «Mitya» and «Masha», or call them allegorically: «boy», «girl», «friend», «sweet» …
Also name the actions, simultaneously showing them to yourself: stroke, slap, touch, tickle, lick, and so on.
Try to pronounce words with different intonation, choose the one that seems more suitable to you. When you have finished the exercise, say “thank you” to your reflection for your help.
3. Prepare a rough plan
Consider in advance what topics you will touch on in a conversation with a partner and in what way: will it be a verbal flirtation, a sexual request, a fantasy story … Where and how would you like to talk?
The choice of location depends on the topic. For example, you can flirt in a public place: many couples who already have a common erotic vocabulary and experience in such conversations like to exchange playful phrases with sexual overtones that are incomprehensible to others, but the first frank conversation is better at home. A rough plan will help you better understand what you want.
4. Create a special mood
For a conversation on erotic topics, it is important to choose the right time and environment. Because of our own awkwardness, we sometimes try to say something on the run, as if in between, and this prevents us from hearing and understanding each other. Pick a time when you both don’t have to rush anywhere and a place where you won’t be interrupted.
Tune in to dedicate all of your attention to your partner. You can watch a movie together in which the characters make love, look through an album of erotic drawings or photographs, and, for a start, talk about what is happening with the characters.
Most often, our partners readily respond to such proposals.
If the reaction is unexpected or it seems to you that something is going wrong, postpone the conversation until another time and just enjoy each other’s company.
5. Show kindness
Treat yourself, your partner, and your couple as a whole with care and love. If you are embarrassed, do not hide these feelings behind bravado or cynicism, it is better to admit them and ask your partner to listen carefully and without interrupting.
Start a conversation with what you like about the other person, compliment him or her appearance, describe the activities that give you pleasure. Do not demand an immediate response if it turns out that he or she is still having a hard time talking about these topics.
Similarly, do not demand an immediate response from yourself if you are confused by some fantasy or request of another. Ask for time to think and remember that not all desires need to be fulfilled, sometimes the opportunity to openly talk about them is enough.