How to make your child confident

Do not urge, but act

Do you know that each parent, on average, makes more than 2000 unquestioning demands on their children every day? What are unconditional requirements? These are requirements requiring immediate execution. They sound something like this:

“Get up. It’s time to go to school. Get dressed. Have breakfast. Take your dishes away. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Feed the dog. Finish breakfast. Don’t forget to do your homework. Put away your shoes. Collect toys. Turn off the TV. Set the table. Do your homework. Bathe.»

How can you not be «deaf» from the endless stream of instructive speeches?! Our demands can also be expressed in such a tone: “Do it now, otherwise it will be worse!”

Now imagine if your boss treated you the same way at work! It is not hard to guess that you would immediately start looking for a new job.

Instead of empty conversations and reminders, it’s better to take a friendly step forward. For example, give your child a comb or a toothbrush with toothpaste if he forgot to comb his hair or brush his teeth. Together with him, make a checklist of his duties and, if he cannot read yet, make it into a table with pictures that he can make himself. And then during the day you can always take a look at this list or table with him so that you don’t pester him with endless notations all day long.

One mother is tired of constantly reminding her children that it is their job to set the table for dinner. And she decided to influence them differently. That evening, having finished preparing dinner, she laid out all the food on the table, sat down and waited in silence. The children came in and asked: “What are we waiting for, Mom?” At that moment, it was much easier for my mother to speak out in an instructive tone: “We would not have to wait if you would do in time what I have asked you a hundred times already!” Instead, my mother answered briefly and unobtrusively: «Cutlery and plates.» The children rushed out of the room and came back, carrying the necessary cutlery and crockery, and the mother has had no problems in this regard since.

Avoid often demanding from children what they can do on their own. Instead of finding a reasonable explanation for your request, the child may misinterpret its meaning, namely: «I need to do only what I am asked to do.» Repetitive day-to-day demands leave too few opportunities for independent actions or actions. If you nevertheless make some kind of requirement to the child, then make it easier, avoiding lectures and dissatisfaction with what he once did or did not do.

Your words should not be at odds with deeds

You need to make sure you do what you say. Retreating from your words, you will give your children a reason to think that their parents only talk in vain, and they themselves do nothing, and they will certainly take advantage of your inaction. The sooner you begin to act, the sooner your child realizes that he is overstepping his bounds.

Be clear about your child’s behavior

When Tyler overworked, he became very irritable and nerdy. I knew that in this case it would be better for me not to call him to order and not to enter into a verbal skirmish, but to put him to bed unobtrusively and as early as possible. For some children, this behavior is associated with a feeling of hunger, so pay close attention to your child’s behavior to know for sure if he is indulging or just experiencing physical discomfort.

What can’t be taught

You can not teach independence, you can only provide opportunities for the child to show it. In other words, you cannot learn to swim by sitting on the shore. A child will never learn to get up on time in the morning if we wake him up day after day.

Make sure the children are fully capable of handling the responsibility you are about to place on them. Pay special attention to the fact that the assigned responsibility instills self-confidence in the child. For example, instead of saying, «It’s time you learned to do your own laundry,» say encouragingly, «I’ve noticed that you’re pretty good at doing all the chores on your own. I think that now you will be able to wash your own clothes.

Avoid labeling your child

“I am not what I think I am, I am not what others think I am, I am what I think I am based on what others think of me.” The author of this statement is unknown.

Some of the labels that others, and sometimes parents themselves, put on your child can stick to them forever:

«He’s clueless.»

«He’s the best.»

«He’s a coward.»

«She’s brilliant.»

«He comes from a broken family.»

«He’s behind in development.»

«She’s pretty».

Labels stuck to children drive them into a rigid framework, which is then extremely difficult to get out of. They distort their ideas about themselves and their potential abilities. Children become what they think they are based on what you think of them. Labels can be a convenient excuse for both your child and yourself. And sometimes your child will need to achieve more than what he is capable of, because his abilities and skills are already predetermined. Once at school I happened to work with a child who proudly declared: “I am the best!” He seemed to be telling me the following: “And then neither you nor I can do anything!”

Set boundaries with your children

We overstep the bounds of what is permitted, invading the sphere of our children’s privacy, forcibly forcing the child to do what he does not want. We kiss him, we carry him in our arms, we tickle him, although, perhaps, all this is unpleasant for him, we force him to take medicine and food. All this is nothing more than an invasion of the privacy of a child. Entering a child’s room without knocking is also one of the manifestations of disrespect for his right to privacy.

Often adults unwittingly violate the boundaries of what is permitted in relationships with children. My friend still remembers the episode when, as a child, she broke her leg, and the doctors cut her pants and tights with scissors. They did this without telling her what was going on and without asking permission to take off her clothes. To this day, she remembers how frightened and humiliated she felt in that situation.

My kids and I have developed the cues we use when they want to say enough is enough. As soon as they say, “Stop, please,” I immediately stop doing it.

In relations with children, we overstep the boundaries of what is permitted even when we invade the spiritual sphere of their lives, forcing them to say something that they do not want, or, without asking their permission, we express such things in front of strangers that they once told us a secret.

Let your child make his own decisions

There is nothing easier for us than to make decisions for our children. We think that everyone knows better than they do, and we are sure that they are not capable of making responsible decisions on their own. Not true! When an employer is looking for a new manager or manager, one of the most important characteristics of the right person is his ability to make independent decisions.

What a valuable gift we can give a child by giving him the opportunity to make decisions without our help! Here is an example.

An 9-year-old son asked his mother for permission to go to a friend’s house at XNUMX pm. Mom barely restrained herself from saying: “No, you haven’t done your homework yet, and it’s too late.” Instead, she «bit her tongue» and said, «Think about how long it will take you to do your homework and how much to get enough sleep, and then decide for yourself.»

The son decided to visit a friend for fifteen minutes, then come home and do his homework.

Comparison breeds rivalry!

Comparisons breed rivalry among children and cause them unnecessary anxiety. Sometimes, as a result, they stop liking themselves. The feeling that they need to prove that they are not what someone else thinks they are, makes them give up their own interests, “fit” themselves to a certain standard, to “correctness”. Emphasize the personal achievements of children without comparison with the achievements of others

Teach your child to set his own goal and do everything in his power to achieve it. Ask him something like this: “Did you do everything that depended on you?”, And not like this: “Did you do it better than others?” When your child’s accomplishments are not compared with those of someone else, he is much more willing to do whatever is required of him. It will also help save him from feeling disappointed if someone turns out to be better than him. And there will always be one. Let your child get satisfaction from what he does himself, and not from what he can excel at.

Find the slightest reason to encourage

Often, when we are angry or the child pisses us off, it is very difficult to find the right word that can change the situation and inspire the child. Sometimes you have to literally «dig out» even the most «insignificant little».

Timely pointing out to the child that he is doing well is a very effective way of educational influence. If you look for only flaws in his actions, then he may lose all desire to do something, or he will take a defensive position.

Encourage, but be sincere

One mother, using encouragement, tried to get her son to stop wetting the bed. One day she told him: «What a fine fellow you are, in this place your bed remained completely dry.» The boy took his mother’s insincerity in his own way. He said, «I won’t leave this place dry tonight!»

Make sure your promotion does not contain any element of factual manipulation. For example: “You are just a master of cleaning up, why don’t you finally tidy up your room?” Children are extremely susceptible to the hypocrisy of adults. Therefore, avoid expressions that sound false.

Pity is a bad helper

IF YOU feel sorry for the child, he will learn to solve his problems, causing your pity to himself. It is also a roundabout way to involve others in solving their own problems. This can lead your child to take advantage of their depressed state as an adult.

Stop taking away your child’s independence!

Once I invited the eight-year-old son of a friend to the pool. The boy suffered from a chronic ear disease associated with a low resistance to infection, and he had to wear special earmuffs to protect himself while swimming. When we got to the pool, he asked me to put on his headphones, as his mother always did for him. In response, I smiled, affectionately put my hand on his shoulder and said: «I think that you yourself will figure out how to do it.»

He looked at me in surprise, began to whimper and complain that he did not know how to do it. Instead of coming to his aid, I remained silent. Then he began to struggle to put on the headphones, dropping them on the floor and putting them on the back of his ears. Finally he managed to do it right, and a feeling of incredible pride showed on his face. Since then, he has always dealt with it on his own.

Spare your child the humiliation

At times, when parents feel that their efforts to subdue the child are going nowhere, they resort to authoritarian methods that diminish the child’s self-esteem.

«IF YOU don’t stop peeing in your pants, I’ll make you wear diapers to school!»

“Why do you always leave behind a terrible mess? You’re such a slob!»

“You never arrive on time. Now leave your friends and go home now!”

By humiliating a child, we may get what we wanted from him, but this will only be a temporary phenomenon. The side effects of humiliation are self-doubt, a desire for revenge, and distrust of us. They are especially strong when we humiliate children in front of their friends. Be careful about using words like «always» and «never». They are exaggerated and fundamentally spoil our relationship with children.

It’s not that important to be like everyone else

Parents often ask: “If I don’t teach my child to stand up for his own interests, how will he be able to survive in this cruel world?” A child who has been taught to help others rather than compete with them is more likely to survive. He is less dependent on the internal need to always be better than others or to defeat rivals at any cost, and in addition, he tends to be more realistic in assessing his own abilities. In addition, he is practically not afraid of mistakes, is less prone to fears, and if something does not work out for him, then he endures his failures much easier.

Entertainment is a private matter for children

A statement such as «I’m bored» means nothing more than, «I have no responsibility for making my life the way I want it to be. Let others take care of it.» A child who grows up in the belief that he has the right to demand entertainment and entertainment from someone, becoming a teenager, often shows an addiction to such addictions as alcohol, drugs, or excessive watching TV. He already realized that he can entertain himself by applying a minimum of his own energy to this.

So if your child comes up to you and says, «I’m bored,» resist the temptation to give him advice, like, «Could you call your friend Susie or take up painting?» Instead, ask him in a friendly tone, «What are you going to do?» Let the initiative come from the child, and all responsibility falls on him.

Criticism Works Against You

Criticism makes a person defensive, looking for excuses and does not contribute to correcting mistakes made. When people are criticized, they become nervous and unyielding. And in a tense state, it is difficult to listen carefully and learn from your mistake a lesson for the future.

What can you learn from your child

Think about what you can learn from your child. When such a thought comes to your mind, be sure to share it with him. This will help create an atmosphere of mutual respect in the family. For example: “Jennifer, it’s great that you know all the people on our street! We have been living here for three years, and I only know our neighbors, and one woman across the street. I would really like to learn how to be as sociable as you.

One mother said to her seven-year-old daughter, “Judy, you are so good at controlling yourself when you get mad at someone! You go to your room and after a few minutes you come out as if nothing had happened and enter into a conversation. I’d like to learn how to do that too.» The daughter looked at her mother in surprise and said: “Okay, mom.”

Two weeks passed, and mother and father quarreled violently with each other. Mom rattled pots and pans and slammed the cupboard doors in the kitchen noisily.

Judy quietly approached her from behind, gently touched her leg and said: “When I get angry with someone, I go to my room and start thinking about something pleasant and fun. When all bad thoughts pass, I leave the room again.

Mom and Dad looked into each other’s eyes, their anger subsided noticeably, and they smiled shyly. Needless to say, their quarrel ended there, and the next time, before getting angry, mother constantly remembered what her own daughter had taught her.

“I encouraged her, but she still didn’t do it right!”

IF YOU’RE JUST starting to encourage your child to do good deeds, don’t expect success to come to you right away: «I encouraged her, but she still doesn’t wipe her feet when she comes in from the street.» You may not notice obvious changes in the child’s behavior when you start to encourage him, but try to treat what is happening as if you were opening a financial account in a bank. You don’t constantly worry about getting your money back immediately, but you know for sure that your investment will increase over time. We sometimes have no idea what a child can achieve if we treat him with respect, without judging him for his mistakes.