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We are all afraid of death. But having learned to calmly accept it, we can take a fresh look at life. To do this, psychotherapists offer the technique of “dialogue with death”, Buddhists advise meditating on the process of dying, and Mexicans hold a fun holiday of the dead. Existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom believed that death enriches life, and doctor Chris Gilbert suggested that she befriend her in order to enjoy every day.
When thinking about death, many of us feel fear, anxiety, and anger. But maybe you should make friends with her and turn her into an ally? Will it help you be less afraid and enjoy life more? Therapist Chris Gilbert offered several ways to accept the fact of our mortality and look at life differently.
Dialogue with death
Gestalt therapy has a technique for looking at death as a friend. To do this, you need to enter into a dialogue with her and hear what she has to say.
“Fearing for my life and for the life of my elderly mother, I tried this technique on myself,” says Chris Gilbert. “It is a dialogue with death. I took two chairs, on one I put a light purple cushion, and on the other a dark gray one. Purple is my favorite color, and mourning dark gray has become the color of death.”
Sitting on a light purple chair, Gilbert placed a dark gray chair across from her. “I’m afraid of you,” she told the dark gray pillow. “You are dark, and you are a mystery to me. You took a lot of the people I loved from me, and I hate you for it. I don’t know when you will come and take me or when you will come and find the people I love. My mom is 96 years old and I know you will take her away in the next 10 years and I hate you for it. I want you to be gone.”
Talking about death and trying to make friends with it changed a person’s outlook on life, gave inner peace and made it possible to appreciate loved ones more.
Then Gilbert sat down on a dark gray pillow to answer herself on behalf of an imaginary interlocutor. She expected to be flustered by becoming the “voice of death”, but that didn’t happen. On the contrary, she noticed that her voice had changed and became surprisingly calm.
“Sorry, but you can’t pretend I’m not here. Sooner or later I will come for everyone, it has always been so and will be so until the end of time. But I’m not your enemy. Dying is part of being human. I’m sorry to have to pick up your mom, but let’s look at this differently. Death is a reason to enjoy spending time with your mother. In the future, I will take you too, but now you are alive and well. Remember that life is short and appreciate it. Enjoy it!”
Gilbert sat down on the purple pillow to process what she had just heard. She really was alive and well, and her mother too. And this is a great reason to celebrate, Gilbert thought and decided to go on vacation with her mother as soon as possible.
Working with patients who experienced fear, anxiety and depression at the thought of death, Chris Gilbert saw that talking about death and trying to make friends with it changed a person’s outlook on life, gave inner peace and allowed them to appreciate loved ones more.
Gestalt technique of two chairs
The founder of Gestalt therapy Fritz Perls used a similar technique of interaction between the “I” and everything around. It helps to develop awareness of the “here and now” in sensations, perceptions and emotions.
One way is to use pillows and chairs as “representatives” of some part of us, emotion, fear. Dr. Leslie Greenburg of the University of York has proven that when a client needs help to detect and deal with emotional problems, the two-stool method is often more effective than other therapies.
It helps to identify basic emotions such as fear of death, allows you to explore them and change your point of view, make friends with her. Chris Gilbert provides research evidence that demonstrates the benefits of this approach.
Faith, knowledge or age?
Sandra Krause and her colleagues at the University of Toronto in Canada found that people who were always afraid of death were more difficult to cope with depression and anxiety in the advanced stages of cancer and were less prepared for dying than those who did not experience death fear.
What about religion and faith? Do they help reduce the fear of death?
Paul Wink and his colleagues proved in 2005 that there is no direct link between religious beliefs and the fear of death and dying. Wink found that the people least afraid of death were older people who had experienced illness and loss and were currently content with life.
Friendship with death will help us to come from impotence to strength, from sadness to happiness.
Three components—older age, history of bereavement and illness, and life satisfaction—helped people get used to the process of dying.
Published in the Journal of Death and Dying in 2015, a study by Irene Searles McClatchy and her colleagues at the University of Georgia found that 86 social service students became less afraid of death after taking an educational course on it. It seems that the more a person knows about death, the less his fear of it.
Buddhist practices, for example, include meditations in which a person mentally goes through the stages of dying, lives through each one, gains knowledge about it, and prepares for the inevitable finale in order to meet it in peace.
But the Mexicans have gone the farthest in dealing with death. Not only are they not afraid of it, they celebrate it.
Day of the Dead in Mexico
Every year on October 31st, All Saints’ Eve, November 1st, All Saints’ Day, and November 2nd, All Souls’ Day, Mexicans celebrate the Day of the Dead, or Diaz de los Muertos. They remember their deceased friends and family members and pray for them, helping them on their spiritual journey.
This Latin American custom combines local Aztec rituals with Catholicism. People dance and sing for the dead, go to the cemetery to decorate the graves. By reuniting with the souls of the dead in this way, they celebrate friendship, love, family, and life itself.
Many Mexicans view death as a natural phase, a continuation of childhood and adulthood. On the Day of the Dead, cheerful skeletons and smiling skulls can be seen everywhere. What can this holiday teach us? Chris Gilbert believes that, having made friends with death, we begin to see the world of the living differently. She, as a friend, gives us three important pieces of advice:
Enjoy life more fully. Seeing death as an ally, rather than a mysterious and terrible enemy, we can truly enjoy life, Chris Gilbert is convinced. Friendship with her will help us to come from impotence to strength, from sadness to happiness.
Death teaches us to appreciate every day of our existence, enjoy the little things, take long walks admiring nature, listen to our favorite music, inhale aromas, taste delicious dishes and rediscover the magic of touch. “Death is the condition that makes it possible for us to live an authentic life,” wrote existential psychotherapist and writer Irvin Yalom.
Give joy to those around you. By rediscovering the happiness and beauty of the world, we will inspire our loved ones. Let’s share new feelings with them, help them feel the pleasure that we feel ourselves. Let’s tell how much we love and cherish them, and they will be able to express what they feel for us.
Less fear of death. When we stop seeing it as an enemy, we stop being afraid of it. Having got rid of fear, Chris Gilbert decided to spend a vacation with her mother and just be glad that they are still together.
“I will tell my mother how much I love her. I will bake for her, go to her favorite restaurants with her, look at old photos together and listen to her stories about the past. Life is short. We don’t know when death will take her away. We have no control over dying. But it is in our power to appreciate life, to enjoy every minute.”
Exploring the issues of life and death in one of his books, Irvin Yalom wrote: “Death reminds us that existence cannot be postponed and that there is still time for life. Death is an integral part of it, and by constantly taking it into account, we enrich life, and by no means rob it. Physically, death destroys a person, but the idea of death saves him.”
About the Expert: Chris Gilbert is an American therapist, homeopathic, acupuncturist, holistic approach to disease management, and author of health books and articles.