You love each other, but as soon as you need to agree and decide something, disputes begin? We tell you what to do if everyone pulls the “blanket” over themselves.
A case from psychotherapeutic practice
Chantal and Logan have always found it difficult to make decisions together. Despite the fact that Logan was not her first boyfriend, Chantal has lived alone since college and is used to doing things her way. Logan’s ex-wife, a young and timid religious girl whose parents forced him to marry her, was withdrawn and compliant. Almost all decisions in these respects he made independently. Logan has always wanted to date a strong woman who speaks her mind, but after three months of living with Chantal, he realized that it was getting hard for him.
“It seems to me that you reject any of my proposals,” he once said.
Chantal looked at him skeptically.
— Can you give an example? I asked.
“We went for the sofa last week,” Logan said. — I suggested a sectional. And you said: «Only over my corpse.»
“I didn’t know the sofa was so important to you,” Chantal said.
“That’s not the point. It’s about deciding together.
Logan was raised by wealthy perfectionist parents who rarely gave him the freedom to choose. He did not learn from his mistakes and decisions. When Chantal didn’t bother to listen to him, or didn’t let him go through his options, even as simple as when choosing a sofa, he felt the same way as in childhood — angry, controlled and invisible.
Chantal, in turn, learned very early what responsibility is. Her father was a diabetic, and Chantal made sure he took insulin and saw the doctor while her mom worked at the hospice. From childhood, she made important decisions for her parents. Because adults outside of her family often doubted and underestimated her, she learned to speak her mind and fight back. But Logan did not need consent from Chantal.
He needed Chantal to hold back negative reactions, even if she didn’t agree with him.
And that she let him express his own ideas.
«I want you to listen to my point of view,» Logan explained. — Then I would feel that you respect me, that my opinion is important enough that you are ready to consider it.
“I can try, but it will be difficult for me,” Chantal said with a shrug. “I tell it like it is. You know that I am.
Logan took a deep breath.
“I don’t want to change you. I know that you have your own opinion, I like it in you. But when you need to decide together, I would like you to understand — I can see what you do not see, you can discuss the pros and cons with me. You could just say — oh, interesting, you liked the sectional sofa, it would not have crossed my mind. I might ask why this option seems good to me.
«Even if he pisses me off?» Chantal laughed. — Okay. I will try. I will try.
Chantal was ready to listen to Logan’s opinion, but she wanted something from him in return.
Don’t assume I don’t care what you think. It’s better to say that you understand that I have my own, and unambiguous. Find out why this is so important to me.
Chantal needed patience on his part, even if she reacted negatively to his ideas.
Chantal thought it would be easier for her if Logan said that they would trust her judgment, but would like to contribute.
When you clearly understand what you want, it can be difficult for you to take into account a different opinion of a partner. Decisions often have to be made in a hurry. If we “know” what’s best—whether it’s a sofa or a turn in the road to get off the highway—we can often disregard someone else’s initiative without even realizing we’re doing it.
Shared decision-making allows you to practice trust, acceptance, and humility. It is important for a couple to remember that “doing things your way” is far from the most important thing in making joint decisions. What is at stake is the sense of belonging of our partner and his significance in our eyes.
Couple exercise
The speaker describes the benefits of how the couple makes decisions together. Maybe you should negotiate more? If you and your partner do not agree with each other, what do you need to remember in order to take into account his opinion? What would you like your partner to remember?
Example
Speaking: “I like how we make important decisions — where to go on vacation, where to live. We discuss all the details and listen to each other. But in small decisions, like which movie to watch or where to dine, we have something to strive for. It often seems to me that you force me to watch films that I do not want, and eat where only you like.
I don’t mind watching your movies and going to your restaurants sometimes, but then let’s admit that we should change periodically. If I disagree with some of your decisions, I have to remind myself that I have the right to speak out, and not swallow the insult. I would like you to remember — even though I trust you in many ways, it is important for me that you listen to my opinion.
Listening: “Thank you for letting me know what joint decisions mean to you and what I could do for my part to make it even more pleasant for us to decide together.”