“How are you?” – “Fine”. If the dialogue with your grown child now sounds something like this, then this article is definitely for you! The advice of a psychologist will help you find an approach to a teenager moving away from you.
What’s the problem?
Establishing a trusting relationship with a teenager is not easy. With the beginning of the “transitional age” in the body of yesterday’s crumbs, violent metamorphoses begin. Hormonal restructuring is accompanied by personal experiences and internal problems. The transition from childhood to adulthood can be a very painful process, so it is not surprising that a child is not at all up to talking with “ancestors”.
“At about the age of twelve or thirteen, the child begins to feel like an adult, while parents think differently,” explains psychotherapist Pavel Beschastnov. – Often a teenager is deprived of the right to choose, being in this sense not fully capable.
The gap between value systems and self-perception does not occur in a vacuum. A teenager fears, and often rightly so, that his parents will not understand or support him – at best. At worst, they will react negatively, accuse and impose their opinion, turning the conversation into an interrogation.”
Fathers and Sons
If the child up to this point has already had the experience of rejection, criticism and devaluation of his feelings and decisions, then the likelihood that he will again turn to the “parents” is extremely small.
According to the cognitive-behavioral therapist, the decision not to reach out to parents often comes at a subconscious level: if nothing comes of it anyway, then why share with them? Only problems and troubles to make themselves, which are already enough.
The gap between parents and children is becoming even wider due to modern gadgets, which today have replaced communication for children. Adults quickly lose their authority, and peers enter the arena who experience similar problems and can share your experiences.
How to communicate with a teenager
1. In order for mutual understanding between generations to take place, a teenager should be treated like an adult: to a barely hatched, only maturing, but still adult. “Even if you cannot actively support him, then at least do not devalue the words and actions of the child,” advises Pavel Beschastnov. – Do not impose your point of view, even if you think you know what is best.
2. Do not decide what he thinks, and do not deprive him of his “self”. You may disagree and disapprove of his behavior, but this is just your point of view. Let her stay with her. Of course, while it is in your power to prohibit, for example, getting a child a tattoo, but at the same time you must respect his right to his own opinion.
3. If you’re looking for a trusting relationship with your child, ask yourself what it is you’re worried about. What would you like to know from him? Maybe it’s worth expanding the “geography” of the question and not being limited to the banal “How are you?” After all, as you know, what is the question – such is the answer.
4. “In order to build a relationship with a child, it is worth remembering that it is better to be an attentive listener, sympathetic and worried.than to act like a tank, ahead of you, – advises Pavel Beschastnov. – Do not ask questions for the sake of a tick: for example, if you are tired or do not feel sincere interest. The teenager will definitely feel it. Try not to demand an answer to every question asked
5. And most importantly – set a personal example. Tell us about how your day went, what interesting things happened to you, try to share your experiences or ask for advice. Show that you appreciate his recommendations, and you yourself will not notice how the dialogue will head in the right direction.
For a child of any age, it is important to be sure that parents love him and are always ready to help. And the task of a parent in this difficult time for both parties is to find a middle ground in communicating with a representative of the younger generation: between being sincerely interested in his life and not imposing his own assessments.