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Every love triangle has a third side. And you need to part with her so that the couple becomes a couple again. How to do it? Says family therapist.
We don’t have models of good breakups in our culture, and this applies not only to love: we enter into relationships every time as if for life, and we part bloody. Not so long ago, a “good” divorce appeared: the idea that by ending a relationship, you can move from them to a different quality — friends, parents, buddies, not necessarily enemies.
But if we are talking about treason, it is necessary to complete an affair with a third in order to maintain relations with the main partner. This is also humane in relation to the third, in order to avoid self-deception — «we just drink coffee together» and the risk of resuming the relationship and a new goodbye. Everyone suffers from such repetitions.
Make it a priority to whom we swore allegiance
And with the lover(s), we must say goodbye, ask for forgiveness and explain everything, taking responsibility for our decision to enter into this temporary relationship.
You should say to the partner: “I’m sorry, this happened,” and to the other: “I’m sorry that I allowed myself to play too much and hurt you. I’m ending our relationship.» Without shifting responsibility: “the wife demands” or “the husband is dissatisfied”, without hiding behind a partner.
Say goodbye the same way you cheated: in personal contact, eye to eye. SMS is only suitable for this if the romance was virtual
Give the third party the opportunity to respond
By announcing a breakup, we are hurting the third party, so they have a right to do so, even if we hate to hear it. Firstly, this is necessary in order to truly end the relationship, leaving no loopholes for yourself: “I will block it on the network, and then I can unblock it.” Secondly, this is an adult and healthy behavior: part with your lover or mistress in the way you would like to be parted from you. So that you can respect yourself.
If it was not just a “technical” affair, but a living relationship with a living person, then something valuable will leave our lives with him. It can be a real grief to lose a lover or mistress, especially if he or she has already become your friend, dear person. And the changer will have to go through this grief, and go through it alone: it will be too difficult for the main partner to hear about it.
Do not demand to immediately forget the third or take revenge on him
This is not only unrealistic and cruel, but also dangerous. Those who have learned about infidelity often have a desire that the “lover” or lover be punished, humiliated, kicked out of work. This is how displaced anger manifests itself, intended for the culprit, that is, the partner, because the lover did not give us an oath of allegiance: the one with whom we are in a relationship is to blame for the betrayal.
What can be said about someone who treats badly someone who until recently trusted something intimate and personal? Do not forget that the ability to harm another person means that you yourself can be on the opposite side of the barricades.
There is no good attitude towards one woman and bad attitude towards all others and vice versa. Looking at how a partner breaks up with someone who was loved by him, we can draw conclusions about how he would have reacted to us if we were in this place. The injured partner will benefit from focusing on making amends for the damage done to him, rather than on causing the same damage to a third party.