We all raise children in our own way, each method has its pros and cons. The question is how you do it: negotiate, press with authority or dissolve your hands. We have six simple solutions to help you take your relationship to the next level.
Previously, when there were many children in the family, they were not particularly ceremonious with them. Education was often carried out according to the principle — «the grass grows, and the children will grow up.» Many people remember very well the stories of grandmothers about a common table, a common bowler hat in the middle and the head of the family hitting the forehead of someone who grabs bread from the table ahead of time with a spoon.
Today, the position of the child has changed dramatically — he has become the main value in the family. We, parents, often put all our efforts into him, try to give him the best, help him find and reveal himself, his talents, respect his freedom and choice. Is it easy for us to do all this? No, because at any age there are situations when you need a child to just obey. How to achieve this?
François Sengli, a sociologist and specialist in family relations, believes that in a modern family that tries to adhere to the principles of partnership in relationships, the concept of parental authority has been devalued — «As I said, so be it.» “Today, adults assign a very modest place to obedience, they think more about the safety of the child, they refuse to “train”. They see children’s development as a journey, the discovery of the world, and they assign themselves the role of only attentive accompanists.
But what to do with emotions, impulsive desires? It is especially difficult for those parents who are sure that shouting, threatening and spanking the problem is not solved, and they do not know other ways to stop the child. Therefore, they are completely lost when the moment comes to say “no”, “no”, “stop”.
Combining obedience and freedom is not easy at all. “The use of force is prohibited, and parents begin to resort to coaxing to reach the goal,” psychologist Daniel Marselli sounds the alarm.
It is from here that endless and fruitless bargaining (“If you don’t thank your uncle who gave you candy, no one else will give you anything”), attempts at blackmail (“Just do it for me, please me”) or all sorts of persuasion that funny in and of themselves (“Please, my little flower, wash your hair”).
According to Daniel Marselli, all this can lead to unpleasant consequences: when a child becomes a teenager, he will use his special position with might and main.
Balance is important in parenting. To enjoy authority does not mean to be authoritarian and domineering.
But democracy is not about serving the needs of children. More goodwill, less nonsense. And a few more tips:
1. Divide your requests into parts. “Clean up the room” is a very vague requirement, which, moreover, may seem “unbearable” to the child. Start with the sentence: “Pick up the books from the floor,” and then ask (demand) to do something else.
2. Say more «I» than «you». “How difficult it is with you”, “You are an egoist”: these criticisms will not help you convince the child, establish communication. At first he will be offended, and then he will stop paying attention to them. Start with yourself: «It’s hard for me to be with you.» These words sound more respectful, the child will be able to hear them and try to change something in himself.
3. More positive. Saying «I want you to respect your friends» is better than «I want you to stop fighting them.» Always focus on the good.
4. Praise, but sincerely. Children, like adults, want to be loved, respected and recognized. Notice and praise the child for his actions, choices, decisions, this will allow you not to lose his trust.
5. Cuddle Even if the child has grown up and does not want to be squeezed, touching his hand, patting on the shoulder, ruffling his hair is always acceptable, always pleasant and always helps communication.
6. Be an example to him. None of our advice will work if you yourself do not accept what you want to see in your child. «Do what I tell you, not what I do» — that won’t work.