Question: my daughter doesn’t listen to me. She seems to ignore everything I say, even if I yell or threaten her. How can I make her listen to me?
Answer: All children exhibit «selective» hearing from time to time. Young children are not good at long, logical explanations. Logic is not important to them, so when giving instructions to children, explaining the rules, asking for something, ordering something, be “short and soft”. Choose a tone that encourages obedience by looking at the problem through a child’s eyes. By acknowledging his feelings, you let him know that his opinion is important to you, and you understand what he wants. Then it is more likely that he will actually hear what you are saying.
Tips for maintaining peace of mind
1. When you need to discuss something important with your child, choose your moments when he seems calm and able to hear you. Bedtime, bath time, or even when you’re all together in the car are favorable for such conversations.
Katya was very fond of spending two ten-minute intervals during a trip in a car only with her children. They laughed a lot at this time and kept the most pleasant memories of him.
2. remember, that choice of words and tone of voice can be critical to getting the child’s attention and obedience.
Nina was ashamed to admit that she often lost sight of the fact that she should just be polite with her children, as she is polite with strangers. When her five-year-old child woke up, her first impulse was to start commanding: “Hurry up! It’s already late! Brush your teeth! Eat porridge! Get dressed! One morning, she consciously decided to control herself and, carefully choosing her words and stroking her son’s displeased, tired, little face, said: “Good morning, dear … still sleepy? Now it’s time to brush your teeth.» He smiled back at her and, yawning, went to the bathroom at the first request. It’s amazing how such a kind approach to the child determined the atmosphere of the whole day!
3. Check the child. If your child seems to have persistent hearing problems (not just when they can’t hear you), check them regularly with their pediatrician to make sure they don’t have a chronic infection, ear discharge, ear plugs, or any other physical shortcomings, because of which he does not «listen» to you.
4. Be close to the child, stroke his arm and look into his eyes before you start talking. Although it may seem to you that the child is deliberately ignoring you, this may not be the case — a small child is often so immersed in what he is doing that he really does not hear you at all.
5. Talking to a child state clearly and precisely what do you want from him.
One caring dad realized that it was much more effective to use not general commands: “Clean up your room!”, But specific requests: “Please put the doll on the shelf.”
6. Use «I» sentencesexpressing your point of view. «I» statements are first-person statements beginning with «I» that express one’s own feelings, preferences, beliefs, observations without pressure on the listener. For example, a parent looks at a child and says, «I’m really angry. I don’t like looking at toys scattered all over the place, I need help.» And with these words, he takes the child by the hand and leads him to complete the task.
When Olga, losing patience, shouted: “Well, why are you so lazy? Collect the books immediately!” her sons immediately began to defend themselves and accuse each other instead of collecting the books. When she pulled herself together and calmly and honestly said to the children: “I am very upset and therefore angry. I asked you both to put away the books, and they are still on the floor, ”then I immediately achieved obedience.
7. Do not start your sentences with the three «forbidden» words — «If», «You» and «Why» . “If” is perceived by the child as a threat, “You” as a signal of “pressure” on him, and “Why” requires the child to explain his behavior, which he often cannot do.
Sasha taught herself to say, “We need to clean up the room as soon as possible,” instead of, “If you don’t start cleaning right away, you will regret it!”
Instead of angry accusations, to which the child usually does not react, such as, for example: “How awkward you are! Look how you spilled milk while you were carrying it from the refrigerator to the table! ”, Mikhail calmly suggested a solution to the problem and immediately achieved obedience:“ We have a pool of milk on the floor, here are paper towels to wipe it up.
Zoya never received a satisfying answer when she demanded it: “Why did you push your little sister? Why can’t you remember our rules?»
8. Warn your child five minutes in advance before you have to start cleaning together, or it’s time to go outside, or get dressed, or brush your teeth, or go to dinner.
Irina attracted the attention of the children, telling them: “We will eat soon. When the alarm goes off, please go wash your hands and then we’ll eat.»
9. Break the task into smaller parts giving one instruction at a time; and give the child time to complete one request before giving the next task.
Nikita told his son: “It’s time to go! Put on your coat! The frustrated child replied, “But I haven’t finished brushing my teeth yet—you just told me to. Can’t you see that I only have two hands?» (This is the phrase he often heard from his father).
10. Expressing your point of view, use as few words as possible.
Yuri realized that children respond much better to a short and simple “put on shoes” than to a tirade of words like: “Oh my God! Only five minutes left before class starts! Gosh, did you hear me? Where are your boots? Put them on now!»
11. Use visual or auditory cues to get the child’s attention.
The Popov family hung a sign in the hallway with pictures of coats, hats, backpacks, mittens and books to remind the children of what they need to take when they get ready for school.
12. Use a simple note (or pictures) to tell the child what you want from him.
Dad wrote the word “let’s go” on a picture of a car, put it in a paper airplane and hung it in his five-year-old son’s bedroom.
13. Try to whisper or sing softly instead of yelling to get the child’s attention. Some children listen more carefully if they can’t hear you well. Singing simple songs or even just the intonation of singing often attracts and holds the attention of children.
14. If you want your child to take the initiative, try replacing the command with a question.
Katya realized that the question “works” much better: “Petya, what do you need to take to school today?” Than the command: “Hurry up! Today is Tuesday. Now take the library books!”
15. If time is running out, think it might be worth it introduce a competitive moment into the training camp, saying, for example: “I bet you won’t put on your coat before the alarm goes off,” or offer to compete to see who can get dressed the fastest (and, of course, let him win!).
16. Replace words with actions. Take the child by the hand and lead to what needs to be done. Children sometimes need parental help to get started.
17. Acknowledge your children’s feelings. Children are often more obedient if they feel understood.
Dina told the children: “I see that you are tired, you have been yawning all morning. Of course, it is difficult to get ready for school when you would like to stay at home. Well, nothing, tomorrow is Saturday and there will be no school, but now you have to put on your shoes and go.
18. Ask your child to repeat in their own words what you just said. This will help you to know if he understood you correctly, and he will remember.
19. Use the broken record technique (the record that is “jammed”): calmly, without raising your voice, repeat your instructions to the child until he understands the task and completes it.
Dad taught the Braille method to a very impatient blind child who kept asking: “And what are we going to do next … huh? What are we going to do next?» The boy understood what his father wanted from him only after he calmly repeated four times: “Put the sheet in the Braille folder (frame for writing on the Braille system), and then I will tell you what we will do next.”
20. Stay close to the child to make sure he is focused on you; remember that the attention of young children quickly dissipates. Commands shouted from the next room are usually ignored.
Yana could not get what she wanted if she sent her two children, four and five years old, to the bathroom. If they even reached the bathroom, there they poured foam into the sink and began to dirty everything around. And mom knew what to do. She walked with them to the bathroom and asked: “Well, why did we come here?”, And the boys immediately began to wash their hands.
21. Appreciate your child’s efforts as soon as he starts doing what you asked him, and be sure to praise when the task is completed — be non-standard and concise.
To learn how to praise a child correctly, you can read in the article «How to praise a child»
22. remember, that “listening” is a “two-way street,” so show your child the behavior you want. Set an example for him by stopping minding your own business and really listening to him when he says something to you.
23. Try to concentrate on what the child is saying and listen carefully.rather than react immediately. Try not to finish his sentences for him or correct his grammar.
It was very important for Nellie to sort out the dishes immediately after eating, but her three-year-old son interfered and pulled her all the time. He was never satisfied with her short but polite replies. Tired of this, she once stopped washing the dishes and devoted five minutes entirely to him. To her amazement, after their five-minute face-to-face conversation, he left satisfied and did not disturb her for a very long time after that. She washed the dishes much faster, taking time for the baby first.
24. If you must respond verbally to something your child is telling you, use neutral, one-word lines. Often, attention is all a child needs to feel understood. When children are interrupted with questions and advice, they often «shut down» and become silent.
Ira changed her communication style, realizing that it is better to listen to her son, inserting a maximum of one word, and not interrupt him with questions and advice. She has found that a simple “Hmm…” or “Ah…” or “Oh…” encourages the child to continue the story.
25. Remember the words of the parent educators that “God gave us two ears and only one mouth. So listen twice as much as you talk!”
Summary
If you want your child to tune in to listen to you, you probably need to talk less. Remember, normal communication involves the ability to both listen and speak, so be parents who set such an example for children.