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Life crises — betrayal of a partner, a terrible diagnosis, loss of a job — entail big changes. They are frightening and can create feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, and even shatter self-esteem. How not to slip into a negative self-image?
Significant life changes bring with them an uncertainty that sucks us into a swamp of fear: “How will I cope? Who am I now? But what about all our plans for the future? What have I done wrong? I will never love anyone again.» Some people experience guilt and anger, feel rejected, worthless, a failure.
Self-esteem is an integral part of mental health. How we evaluate ourselves affects the quality of relationships, career, self-confidence, motivation, and overall our happiness. At the same time, self-esteem is a construct created by the mind. We are born knowing nothing about ourselves.
How is it formed?
Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning in Self-Esteem (2016) write that it is based on how parents treat us in the first three or four years of life. As we grow, gain life experience and play new social roles, it becomes increasingly difficult to determine whether circumstances influence self-esteem or whether self-esteem determines circumstances.
However, we can say for sure that it is always influenced by our thoughts. What we say to ourselves determines how we perceive everything around us.
For example, if you look in the mirror and say to yourself, «My hair looks terrible, I’m ugly,» your self-esteem will collapse. If they said: “I will try to make a new hairstyle and see if I like it,” you will probably feel satisfied, and self-esteem will remain in place. The event has not changed, your interpretation has changed.
Whether you believe you have a healthy self-esteem or recognize that it is worth working on, any significant life change can be highly emotionally charged and lead to overreactions.
When life is turned upside down, it is normal to experience psychological (and sometimes physical) pain. However, when this pain turns into an internal attack on yourself, it’s time to stop and realize how what is happening affects self-esteem, preventing you from coping with the crisis and moving forward.
If any significant life event has undermined your self-worth, it is never too late to restore or improve it. Psychotherapist Nancy Howdack offers some ideas for how to do this.
Defuse the inner critic
We all have an inner voice, the way we talk to ourselves in our head. Sometimes he lives somewhere in the backyard of thoughts, and a person does not particularly notice him. But for other people, it is so loud that you can’t hide from it — harsh and critical, it reminds us of our mistakes, shortcomings, failures.
To believe this inner critic is to punish yourself, to be ashamed, to feel worthless and destroy self-esteem. Sometimes it is difficult to control these negative thoughts, and we are ready to do anything to fend off this internal attack.
Some people deal with it by trying to be perfect. Others use drugs and alcohol to drown out that voice. But this solution is not only temporary, but also dangerous and can lead to further deterioration of mental and physical health.
To deal with the attack of the inner critic, it is better to notice and accept it than to push it away. Pay attention to your negative thoughts and notice how distorted, unrealistic, and unfounded they are. Create new attitudes that refute the negative scenario, on paper or in your mind.
You can try to start a sentence with the words «despite / although.» This helps to recognize what is happening and reinforces a positive and compassionate attitude towards oneself.
The therapist gives the following examples.
1. Even though I don’t know what’s going to happen next, I can handle it.
2. Although I do not understand who I am now, I am interested in learning new things about myself.
3. Even though my marriage fell apart, I’m not a loser.
The more you question your negative thoughts, the less power they have. As a result, you can gain a more realistic view of your life, as well as learn to treat yourself more caringly.
Remember: How you think you are doesn’t define who you are.
Often in the midst of an emotional storm, we don’t separate how we feel and how we feel about ourselves. It is important to stop and separate the event from the emotional reaction to it and from our attitude towards ourselves.
For example, if you lost your job, you may be ashamed, but this does not mean that you are a bad person. If you are divorced, then you may worry that you did not manage to save the marriage, but this does not mean that nothing at all in life works out. To consider yourself bad because you feel bad means to further undermine your sense of self-worth.
Edit Scenario
Fear originates in the brain and can be felt throughout the body, which is why it affects us in such a way. When we do not believe in our own worth, we usually consider ourselves incapable of anything. And when we consider ourselves incapable of anything, we rely less on internal forces and resources and look for solace outside.
Perhaps lately you have forgotten how you managed to cope with difficulties before. Think back to how you have solved problems in the past. What did it cost you?
Write down your fears along with what you tell yourself, and then rewrite those messages to sound more realistic.
Serious life “shakes” can cause strong emotional reactions — sadness and fear, as well as shake your self-worth. A professional psychologist can help work through these emotions.
The more we value ourselves, the more we are able to see our strengths and abilities, endure uncertainty, face our fears, distrust inner criticism, get through tough times, and endure change.
When we are confident in ourselves, we are more likely to try new things, develop close relationships, and live life to the fullest.