Having a fight with a loved one, we experience many different emotions. And most often, even when we are sure that we are right, we begin to doubt ourselves and our worth as a person. How to keep self-esteem afloat, says a psychologist.
A breakup, a major fight, or another situation where you’ve been «dumped» or neglected has a devastating effect on self-esteem. Resentment, anger, disappointment, first of all, hit on the perception of oneself and one’s worth. Even if we’re sure we’re right, it doesn’t always make things easier. Doubts in oneself, in attractiveness, correctness of behavior creep into the heart. When we experience intense experiences, the reaction of the other becomes more important to us than our own.
We think: “Why does a loved one react to me like that? Why is he so cruel to me, unhappy or angry with me? The first answer that comes to mind is: “Because I am “bad” and did something wrong, I am not worthy of love and respect.”
It is necessary to clearly separate the assessment of oneself in a particular situation and one’s constant and unchanging value.
One thing needs to be realized. The situation in which you are, your behavior and the reactions of your partner do not determine your personal value. If you can separate the «situational reaction to yourself» and «sustainable attitude towards yourself as a value under any circumstances», this will help you not to «lose» yourself and resolve the situation safely.
In other words, it is necessary to clearly distinguish between «assessment of oneself in a particular situation» and «one’s constant and unchanging value.» To get a feel for the difference between these concepts, I will give two examples. Imagine that a child has messed around and upset a parent. How might a parent react, and how might their reaction affect the child’s self-esteem?
The first parent — let’s call him «strict» — punishes the child for the offense with dislike. It looks something like this: he is unshakable, ignores the child, does not talk to him for two days and shows with all his appearance that he did badly and does not deserve love. And the parent will love him again only when the child becomes “good” again and “deserves” love.
Such a parent will never take the first step towards reconciliation, he, like the Snow Queen, will give the child a chilling look, pointing to his mistake as the reason that cut off the love between them. «You’re bad, and that’s why I don’t love you. I will love you again only when you become good again. You must earn my forgiveness. As long as you’re bad, you’re not valuable to me.»
Now imagine another parent, a wise one. He is upset by the act of the child, he also wants to punish him so that in the future such behavior will not be repeated. But his love for the child is unconditional, it does not become less or more because he is good or bad now. He does not love the child less because of an accidental misconduct, does not show dislike.
Be a wise parent for yourself, always ready to help sort out the situation, without humiliating yourself or belittling your dignity
He says: “I’m upset, I think that you were wrong and you shouldn’t have done it. What is the reason for your action? Why did you do that? I am dissatisfied with your behavior and I ask you to never do this again. But no matter what, I love you and appreciate you. I appreciate you in any of your manifestations. Your act and yourself are not the same thing. You yourself are valuable, you are full of virtues. An act is your reaction, which arose for some reason. I respect and appreciate you, whether I’m angry with you or not.»
Answer your own question. What kind of parent are you to yourself, your inner child? Do you stop loving yourself for failures, partings, quarrels? Does a slip cause you to devalue both the good and the bad in yourself? If yes, then it’s time to become a wise parent for yourself. Stand up for yourself and your value. After all, you need love, support and kindness for yourself much more than self-criticism.
Why add to the dislike from the outside also dislike for yourself from the inside? Multiply love. Be a wise parent for yourself, always ready to help sort out the situation, without humiliating yourself and belittling your merits. Accept yourself and your mistakes, completely and unconditionally. Your value is your greatest resource. Turn for help not to self-doubt, but to self-worth, to what you love and respect about yourself. Then you will find the right decision: build relationships or support yourself for perseverance and defend the boundaries.