When there is too much stress, grief and tension in everyday life, we can drift apart and lose interest in intimacy for a long time. How to save a relationship when you are restless at heart? The sexologist says.
What happens to libido during chronic stress?
Our sexual behavior is largely determined by hormones, but it’s not just about testosterone and estrogen. Our libido decreases when the hormonal balance changes under the influence of cortisol, the stress hormone. Therefore, the vast majority of us, experiencing stress, feel a decrease in attraction.
However, there are 15-20% of men and women who, on the contrary, become sexual enthusiasts — thanks to adrenaline — and seek peace and solace in lovemaking.
During times of stress, our body goes into a protective “fight or flight” state, which we inherited from our ancient ancestors. Blood pressure and heart rate rise, breathing becomes faster, there is a lot of energy. This alert mode is great for short-term stress, but if it becomes chronic, the body begins to “wear out”.
That’s why it’s important to exercise when you’re stressed: exercise helps lower cortisol and adrenaline levels, as well as stimulates the production of endorphins that lift your mood. And if we consider sex as an activity that allows you to bring physical stress to a maximum and then experience relaxation, then the effect of stress on the body really decreases.
Also, during partner sex, especially during orgasm, oxytocin is released — the hormone of attachment, which gives a feeling of tenderness, warmth, and a sense of gratitude. When we make love, we feel safe.
True, cortisol can still reduce the pleasure of the process. A woman or a man can seek relaxation in sex, even experience obsessive arousal, but satisfaction will not happen.
How to maintain intimacy without having sex?
Does this mean you have to force yourself to have sex or masturbate during times of crisis because it is “necessary” for health and relationship maintenance? No, it won’t lead to anything good. Any coercion will be interpreted by the psyche as violence, and a negative connection may be formed that sex is something that does not bring pleasure. It will be very difficult to get rid of such a connection in the future. For the same reason, you should not abuse alcohol and watching porn to relax and have sex. Otherwise, the brain will get used to the fact that you need to drink a glass or two first or watch an “adult” movie in order to get excited, and without “support” it will become more difficult and sometimes impossible.
Remember, if your partner refuses intimacy, do not jump to conclusions that his feelings for you have cooled down. We are responsible for our sexuality — to be aware of preferences in sex, to know our body’s reactions to different stimuli and to tell our partner about it. But responsibility does not equal responsibility. Your partner is not an apparatus that is obliged to give you pleasure on demand.
Intimacy is more than just sexual contact. Proximity is emotional, tactile, cognitive contact.
We can talk, discuss important issues. While there is no desire to have sex, it is worth using other ways to feel intimacy. Be in tactile contact more often: hug and kiss, massage each other. Spending time together: watching movies or series, reading to each other, singing, taking a bath, solving puzzles, and so on. Anything where people feel connected will support intimacy. And sexual contact is just one of the forms.
And one last piece of advice. Remember that there is no objective norm for the number of orgasms or the duration of sex in real, not imaginary people. There is only a partnership norm, which is determined in communication between two people. If you used to make love a couple of times a week, and now you have begun to do it much less often due to the fact that you are experiencing a lot of stress due to the flow of news or worries about financial problems (and you are aware of this), you should not reproach yourself or your partner .
It is important not to forget that stress itself is not harmful — it is harmful to get stuck in it. Such a banal routine as adherence to sleep, a balanced diet, moderate exercise, strong social connections can help you recover faster and return the joy of sex. If the crisis has passed and the anxiety has significantly decreased, but the partner norm cannot be worked out, contact a psychologist or a sexologist.