How to love your child. Discipline

I often give lectures on the relationship between parents and children. Usually I devote the first three or four sessions to how to love a child, and only then the question of discipline is discussed. Inevitably, my parents tell me almost immediately, “I actually liked the lectures, but when are we finally going to get into discipline? We are having difficulty with this and would like some advice.»

These poor parents usually misunderstand:

1. the relationship between love and discipline;
2. the meaning of discipline.

Usually, in the mind of a parent, love is separated from discipline, as if they were two completely independent things. Not surprisingly, the parent experiences confusion and complications when trying to control the child’s behavior.

Parents who mix things up usually think that discipline means punishment (for some, spanking).

Both of these assumptions are false. I emphasize this in my lectures in every possible way and I hope to convince you, fellow parents, that love and discipline cannot be separated, and that punishment is a very small part of discipline.

The first thing we must realize in order to discipline a child is to make him feel loved: this is the main and most important part of good discipline. Of course, this is not all, but this is the most important. What has been said so far in this work is the most important aspect of discipline, and all this must be put into practice constantly if we are to achieve the best disciplinary results in raising a child. There is no point in reading this article further if you do not apply what you read here in everyday life, and if you do not care all the time that your child’s emotional reservoir is full. If you do not use eye contact, physical contact, and close attention to your child in an age-appropriate manner, please read no further. The result will disappoint you.

Only healthy relationships between parents and children based on unconditional love can help overcome all life crises.

What is discipline!

First of all, we need to define what discipline is. What is this? In the field of child rearing, discipline is the training of the mind and character of the child so that he becomes an independent, self-controlled, worthy and constructive member of society. What does discipline include? This includes: a worthy example of adults, modeling the situation, verbal and written instructions, written requests, training, providing the child himself with the opportunity to learn and gain various life experiences, including the ability to relax — the list is quite long, and all this under a reasonable and benevolent adult guidance.

Of course, punishment is also on this list, but this is only one of many ways to enforce discipline, and the most negative and primitive. Discipline is immeasurably easier to achieve when a child feels that he is sincerely and deeply loved, accepted for who he is. The child can then come to terms with parental leadership without hostility or obstruction.

If he does not feel that his parents are behind him, then it is really difficult for him to identify himself with them and with their values. If there is no strong, healthy connection with parents based on sincere love and affection, the child reacts to the dictates of parents with anger, hostility, indignation, resentment. He treats every request (or demand) as a duty imposed on him and actively learns to resist. In the most difficult cases, the child learns to consider any request of his parents with disgust, to do everything out of spite, exactly the opposite of what is expected and required of him.

I hope you have already realized how fundamentally important unconditional love is to good discipline. The more filled the child’s emotional reservoir, the more disciplined he will be; the more empty his emotional reservoir, the less he will yield to the demands of discipline.

We have not mentioned another important aspect of appropriate love: the ability to listen carefully and with concentration to the child. He needs to make sure you understand everything he is trying to tell you. When a child is confident that you are aware of his feelings, thoughts and desires, he will be much more willing to respond positively to your disciplinary demands, especially if you do not agree with him. Nothing embitters a child more than your demand to do something, if at the same time he feels that his parents do not understand his position. This does not mean that you succumb to the demands or whims of the child, it means that you must fully focus on communicating with him at this moment so that he does not get the feeling that you are simply insisting on your own, using your authority, and neglecting him. thoughts and feelings. If you think so, then you don’t see your child as a person separate from you.

When you listen intently to your child, at least you make eye contact with him, and if possible, even better, gently touch him, emphasizing your undivided attention. If you acknowledge that you’ve figured out what your child wants (even if you don’t agree with it), it usually improves rapport. And if you repeat his words, then the child will be convinced how correctly you understand his thoughts and feelings, this will further strengthen your relationship. In addition, an opinion directly expressed by a child can affect your own understanding of the problem and even force you to change something.

I remember an embarrassing incident with my 16-year-old daughter just recently. We let her go with three boys to a freestyle wrestling match at school late at night. She was told to return home immediately after the match, which ended around 10 pm. It usually took 30-45 minutes to get home. At 11 o’clock I got worried, at 11.15 I called the parents of one of the boys. They said that the company stopped near their house to put spikes on the wheels, as it began to snow, and the parents offered them a snack. The children left at 11.10. My daughter showed up at 11.40.

I was furious. I yelled at her, lectured her about the complete absence of any sense of responsibility and forbade her all entertainment for a week. Why did I react so violently and did not even want to listen to her? I thought more about myself than about the real situation. I didn’t feel well that evening and wanted to go to bed early, as the next day was going to be very busy for me.

Also, my daughter came back later than I expected and didn’t call to alert us. I thought she was negligent and irresponsible.

But my daughter is smart. She waited out the «thunderstorm» until the next morning, when I came to my senses and again began to talk to her affectionately, as usual; and only then did she tell me how it really was. She knew well that I listen better when I’m not annoyed. It turned out that the children went on a longer, but safer road, where it was not so slippery. The girl spoke the truth, everything coincided. What she really forgot to do was notify us that she was late. I apologized to my daughter for my intemperance and reduced the punishment (restriction on entertainment) in accordance with the misconduct.

There are two lessons to be learned from this story. First, it’s important to really listen carefully when your child is talking to you. I myself could have avoided scandal, and my daughter could have avoided anger and resentment if I had first listened to her and then punished her.

The second lesson is that it is absolutely necessary to restrain your emotions in these moments. I really think that when raising a child, our worst enemy is uncontrolled outbursts of emotions, especially parental anger. As I just showed, anger can cause us to say or do things we later regret. Too violent manifestation of indignation, especially uncontrolled outbursts of anger and rage, at first very frightens the child. But the child grows, and when the parents too often lose control of themselves, falling into anger and rage, this gradually undermines his respect for his parents and at the same time gradually kindles his own evil tendencies to intemperance, anger and malice. If you think carefully, then uncontrolled explosions of emotions cause disrespect for any person. What do you want from our children and loved ones?

You know as well as I do that we all lose our cool from time to time. But it is important to remember that since this happened, you should not be afraid to apologize to the child when you have cooled down and come to your senses. Even from such a bad situation, you can get out with dignity. It’s amazing how enjoyable communication can be if an adult shows enough courage and apologizes (and overreacting, when we lose control of our emotions, is just such a case). Believe it or not, if after a quarrel peace and tranquility, intimacy and warmth of the heart reign, the child (and parent) will never forget these precious moments. They are priceless!

An excessively violent emotional reaction in family life can be endured, but to some extent, especially if they do not apologize later. These negative outbursts of emotion should be kept to a minimum. How can this be achieved?

Control your anger

It is important to remember that under some circumstances anger is difficult to contain. For example:

1. :when a person is depressed;
2. :when a person is afraid of something;
3. :when a person feels bad physically;
4. :when a person is overtired mentally or physically;
5. : When a person’s spiritual life is out of order.

An entire book could be written on how to deal with each of these problems. It is important for us that every parent remembers that they need to look after their well-being: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Illness in any of these aspects can cause serious complications in the relationship of parents and children, in marital relationships, in fact in all relationships with people, mainly because we are not able to contain the outbursts of our negative emotions. Let’s get ourselves right. The unbridled anger of parents undermines the strong discipline of children.

discipline and punishment

I hope you now understand how much we need to do as parents before we expect a child to respond correctly to our demand to be obedient and disciplined. Whipping a child with a belt is, gu.e. saying, every fool can, is the most primitive way to control a child’s behavior. There is no need for mercy, no understanding, no thought, no talent, no love—nothing! When corporal punishment is made the basis of discipline, a terrible mistake is made: discipline is equated with punishment. Discipline is training the child, teaching him to become what he should be.

Please remember this: the more disciplined the child is, the less punishment is required. How a child obeys the requirements of discipline depends mainly on how much he feels love, care and attention for him. Therefore, our most important parental task is to make our child feel that we love him, that we are always on his side.

The trap of physical punishment

Another important reason why it is dangerous to use physical punishment as a means of controlling behavior is that it dramatically alleviates feelings of guilt. Corporal punishment leads to degradation, dehumanization and humiliation of the child. As a result, the child may feel that spanking is punishment enough in itself. If he is punished often and severely, the child does not develop the necessary sense of guilt, which prevents him from developing a full awareness of himself as a person. Without the foundation of unconditional love, a child will not be able to go through all the phases of development, especially identification with his parents, which will cripple the formation of a healthy psyche and self-esteem.

Many consider the cultivation of guilt undesirable and forget that it also has an important positive aspect. When the feeling of guilt depresses a person too much, it is harmful, but to a reasonable extent it is vital in the formation and maintenance of a healthy consciousness. Normal healthy self-awareness, which allows the child to reasonably limit his behavior, is much more effective than cane discipline, which causes fear, anger and resentment.

It is clear that deliberate restraint of one’s behavior within reasonable limits is better than poor self-control or a complete lack of self-control. How do you think a happy, well-adjusted teenager can control their behavior? Thanks to his self-awareness. If you want to prevent your child from developing normal reactive consciousness that allows him to control his behavior, build your relationship with your child on a punitive basis. Regulate his behavior mainly by shouting, spanking, belt.

Another tragic consequence of corporal punishment is the identification of oneself with the aggressor. It is also a mechanism to avoid feelings of guilt. The child takes the side of the punishing parent, and he gets the feeling that it is right to be aggressive and punishing. Then, naturally, this child grows up, and when he has his own children, he treats them in the same way as he was treated in childhood. Very often, parents who torture their children in childhood turn out to be punished themselves. The use of corporal punishment (or the threat of its use) as the main means of raising children is passed down from generation to generation. This is bad enough on its own.

But no matter how well we do our parenting duty and how hard we try as parents, children misbehave from time to time. It’s unavoidable. There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. How do we deal with bad child behavior? How to proceed? The word «us» puts the responsibility, as it should be, on the group, and the mother becomes its leader. After a thorough discussion of all proposals, a general decision is made. The decision of the group is almost always effective, while the pressure of adults causes mostly resistance in children. This way of solving the problem usually takes the form of a family council. The modern family functions as a small group that encourages each of its members to cooperate with others for the common good. Then the attention of each member of the group is focused on the needs of the family as a whole.

Each family member must learn to think about the interests of the whole group «What to do in this situation?» Parents should not impose their will on children and even more so show disrespect for them. It is also impossible to give in to the unfair demands of the child in order for him to leave his mother or father alone, busy with their affairs. This is self disrespect. In helping children learn to cooperate, parents should always remember the true meaning of cooperation, and this implies the implementation of common rules for all.

One of the very harmful mistakes should be considered the desire of parents to determine at what age, in their opinion, it is time for children to help adults with homework. When a toddler wants to help set the table, parents sometimes say, «No, you’re still early,» and when she turns six, they demand that she knows how to do everything. By this time, she already believes that if up to now adults have managed without her, then why should they help now? Parents sometimes miss many opportunities to let their children learn independence. If a child is allowed to help adults from an early age, then he does it with pleasure and is very proud of the trust placed in him.

… Seven-year-old Tom had the flu for a week. His sisters, five-year-old Donna and four-year-old Lorraine, played these days without him. On Saturday morning, the house was cleaned, which is done by the whole family. Tom got out of bed for the first time that day. When it came to the nursery, he said: “I don’t understand why I should help? I have never been in this room all week. I didn’t mess it up.» “Yes, probably not you, Tom,” said the mother. «But I’m sure Donna and Lorraine will let you help them if you ask them.» Tom thought for a moment, and then began to help his sisters put away toys and dust while his mother vacuumed the carpet. Tom noticed that the toys on the top shelf were not stacked neatly. He suggested: «Let’s put it in order so that it is beautiful.» Three children enjoyed working together with their mother. When the cleaning was finished, Donna exclaimed: “Wow! How beautiful!» «Still would!» Tom agreed and proudly added: “And we tried too!”

Tom had a desire to refuse to participate in the cleaning. However, this family has a good relationship. It was the idea of ​​the mother to recognize the justice of his words and her ability to skillfully switch the son’s attention to the help that he could give to the younger sisters that helped to attract Tom to work. She also let him know that it was an honor to help the sisters. Big brother liked it. He even felt like a leader by offering to remove the toy shelf. All happily engaged in a common cause.

Five-year-old Eddie and his mother got into the car to meet his father and bring him from the train station. It was bitterly cold, but Eddie rolled down the window. The mother said: «We will only go when you raise the glass.» Eddie was waiting. Mother sat with an indifferent look. Eddie said, «I’ll roll up the window when the car starts.» The mother did not answer and continued to wait. Eddie continued, «Okay, I’ll raise the glass when you turn on the ignition.» The mother sat silently. Her expression showed indifference. Finally Eddie lifted the glass. The mother started the car, smiled at Eddie, and said, “How beautiful the snow is in the sun! Look, it sparkles like a thousand diamonds sparkle.

The mother did not demand that Eddie raise the glass, and thus avoided the dispute for power. She immediately told her son about her demand and meekly insisted on hers. When Eddie tried to wrest even a partial concession from her, she just waited. When the son complied, his mother thanked him with a smile and in a friendly tone directed his attention to something else. Eddie’s rather quick agreement suggests that the child is taught to respect the firm decision of the mother.

…Nine-year-old Pat was cooking pasta. The mother came into the kitchen with ten-month-old Richard in her arms. “Pat, look after the baby,” she ordered. “I have to go on business.” “Oh, mom, he will turn everything upside down here! Why do I always have to look after him?» — «No talking. Do what you are told.» Mother left, and Pat glared at Richard, who was already crawling towards the objects of interest to him. She dragged him back to his original place and gave him a teddy bear. Richard tossed it aside and quickly crawled over to the pasta bowls. When his mother returned, Richard was yelling and Pat was screaming. The mother joined in the general uproar: «Can’t you spend at least fifteen minutes with him without a fight?» The tone of the mother and the haste of the demand immediately aroused resentment in Pat.

If parents want to achieve mutual understanding with the child, then they must attach great importance to their tone and manner of address. After all, often the mother and father, fully aware of the reasons for the resistance of the child, begin to insist on their own, hoping to overcome the resistance. And it gets even tougher. In such cases, being polite helps a lot. The request can be formulated in such a way as to show the child understanding of his point of view. “I’m sorry that I bothered you …”, or: “I understand that you probably don’t want to do this, but you would help me out so much if …”, or: “I would be very grateful to you if you could … » Such words promote agreement, smooth out resistance, help mutual understanding.

… Ten-year-old Janet lived with her parents in the suburbs, where for a long time there was no public transport. Her closest friend, Pat, lived relatively far away. It was dangerous to ride a bike to her place in winter. The girls wanted to spend every free minute together. This led both mothers to drive their daughters back and forth by car almost every day. If the mothers had no time, then conflicts began. The situation was getting tense. One evening, when Janet and her mother were washing dishes and both were friendly, they discussed this problem. The mother explained her point of view: she understands that Janet has the right to see her friend, but at the same time, she cannot travel back and forth so often. «What do you think you can come up with?» the mother asked.

«Maybe we could meet a little less often.» “How many times a week do you think I should take you to Pat?” The girl thought for a moment and said, “Probably twice a week. And if Pat also comes twice, he will come out equally. «Good! mother replied. “I’ll be happy to take you twice a week.” «What days, mom?» Mother thought. “I’m usually free on Tuesday evenings and Sunday afternoons. It suits you?» “Of course it will be better that way.” The situation was resolved to mutual satisfaction. Both mother and daughter do not believe that the decision was forced on them.