Contents
Eye-to-eye contact and physical contact rarely require genuine sacrifice from the parents. At the same time, close attention takes time and sometimes even a very significant one. This can mean that often parents are forced to give up activities and pleasures that they prefer at the moment. Loving parents will have to face the fact that in some cases their child desperately, more than anything, needs their undivided attention at the very moment when they are least inclined to give it.
What is close attention? When we pay close attention to our child, this means that we focus on him completely, without being distracted by any trifles, so that our child does not doubt for a moment our complete, unconditional love for him. He should feel like an important and significant person who can be appreciated; he must be sure of his right to undivided, genuine interest, undivided attention and attentiveness, caring concentration and uncompromising interest in him precisely at this moment. Briefly speaking, close attention allows the child to feel that he is the most important person in the world in the eyes of his parents.
The child must be made to feel that he is one of a kind. How few children feel it! But if we, parents, only understood what a fundamental difference it is for a baby when he knows that he is completely special. Only the close attention of parents gives him the opportunity to feel and realize this. Consider that such knowledge is vital in developing a child’s self-esteem. And this deeply affects the child’s ability to interact with other people and love them.
My medical experience shows that close attention is urgently needed for a child; however, we, parents, even admit it with great difficulty, and even less can satisfy it.
There are many reasons why we cannot recognize this specific need. If we treat a child with ice cream and sweets, give him gifts, fulfill his requests, it seems to us quite enough, we are sure that this can replace close attention. Certainly. It is good to be generous, but we are deeply mistaken in thinking that surrogates can replace sincere and close attention to the child.
It’s very tempting to hide behind gifts and treats, because it’s an easier path that requires much less time. But I have found over and over again that if I, as a father, do not meet the urgent need of my children for close attention to them, then they do not try to do everything right, do not show their best efforts, do not behave in the best way.
The tyranny of urgency
Why is it so difficult to pay close attention to children? Yes, because it takes time! Numerous studies have been done and books have been written showing that our most valuable asset is time. Think about whether 24 hours a day for a week would be enough for you to fulfill all your obligations? It’s practically impossible. And then I thought. I cannot fulfill absolutely all my obligations, no matter how much I would like to. I have to come to terms with this fact. If I don’t understand this, I will naively think that everything has to be taken care of somehow, and then the tyranny of urgency will rule my life. Urgent matters will take over and control my life. This could be somehow reconciled if all urgent matters were important. Unfortunately, this is usually not the case.
For example, the sacred telephone. I say sacred, because his call seems to us more significant than almost everything else. A phone call must be answered regardless of time, place or situation. Our whole family is sitting, enjoying the evening peace and dinner together. These are extremely important minutes for me and all the family. But if the telephone rings urgently, then it is given an almost sacred right to intervene, undermine and even destroy our family unity. The tyranny of urgency once again defeats the essential moments in our lives. Understand, fellow parents, in our short life there will not be enough time to be under the pressure of urgency and at the same time take care of the things that are important to us. It is impossible to embrace the immensity and combine the incompatible. It is impossible for the wolves to be fed and the sheep to be safe. So what to do?
I’m afraid the answer is clear. And it is by no means easy or simple. We must understand what is most important and paramount in our lives and determine on our scale of values what is essential and what we can afford to neglect. Having identified milestones in the hierarchy of values, we must set certain goals and plan for their implementation. We ourselves must control our time in order to take care of the most important things in our lives.
Scale of values
What is the most important and paramount in your life? Where is your child on this scale of values? Does he take first place? Second? Third? Fourth? You must determine this yourself. Otherwise, your child will be somewhere at the end of the scale of values and thus will suffer from neglect to one degree or another. Nobody can do it for you. Your spouse cannot define your values or your child in your life. Neither your priest, psychoanalyst, lawyer, boss or friend can do this. Only you can decide what is more important to you and what is less. So, fellow parents! What and who is most important in your life? Work? Spouse? House? Hobby? Children? TV set? Secular or social life? Career?
Let me again refer to my personal experience and that of those I counsel. In all the vicissitudes of life, I noticed the following. In almost all families where happiness, life satisfaction, mutual understanding and sincere benevolence reigned among family members, parents had a similar system of values. Usually, ethical values come first: a strong religious faith or moral code. In second place is usually a spouse, then (third place in the hierarchy of values) — children. All other values are also important, of course, but these are paramount and most important, they should be followed first.
I have talked to many people who have sought satisfaction in such values as money, power, fame. But having lived their lives and discovered the true values, they sadly realized that they were betting on false values. I have met many wealthy people who spent the best years of their lives trying to achieve wealth. Tragically, they were forced to seek the help of a psychiatrist when they realized that, despite fame, power and wealth, their life is full of pain, longing, emptiness. They sobbed, considering their lives unsuccessful, because the only child became a criminal or the wife could not stand it and left. Only now have they realized that the only thing worth living in is those who love and who care about what might happen to them.
I have also met with many terminally ill patients, and the deepest insight into the essence of life led them to the same. Looking back at their lives, they came to the same conclusion: the only thing that really matters is having a person who truly cares for them and loves them unconditionally. If these doomed patients had such loved ones, they were satisfied with life, if not, they should only be pitied.
I was recently talking to a minister’s wife, an utterly charming woman who was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. This is a harmonious personality, radiating goodness and light. She explained to me that when she became aware of the disease, her view of the whole system of life values completely changed. For the first time, she realized that there is not enough time in the life of any parent to satisfy the emotional needs of a spouse and children, if not to resist the dictates of less important things. Now for her husband and children are at the forefront in the hierarchy of values, and this has led to amazing changes in the psychological climate of the family. Both the husband and children have changed in the most amazing and positive way. Of course, this does not mean that we should neglect other aspects of life, but it is wiser to constantly control the time we spend on them and not let less important values take too much place in our lives.
Fleeting moments of fleeting life
This real story is a poignant illustration of how important close attention to a child is.
Imagine a father sitting in a chair. On the occasion of his fiftieth birthday, he is gloomy, in a bad mood, and everything gets on his nerves. Suddenly, his 11-year-old son runs into the room, climbs on his knees and begins to methodically kiss him on both cheeks in turn, saying: “One, two, three …” The gloomy father asks in annoyance: “What are you actually doing?” The child replies: “I want to kiss you 50 times, because today is your birthday!” Normally a father would be touched by such a tender display of filial love. But unfortunately, due to depression and bad mood, he angrily pushes the boy away: «Leave me alone, another time!». The boy, stunned by his harshness, runs away crying, gets on his bike and rides off. A few minutes later, he is hit by a car. Just imagine the grief, remorse and guilt of this unfortunate father!
We can learn a lot from such stories. First, life is so uncertain and unpredictable that we cannot know or calculate how long fate will give us opportunities to take care of our children. There will be especially many occasions to pay close attention to them. We must take advantage of the opportunities we have now, because there are fewer than we realize. Our children are growing very fast.
Secondly. These moments when we have the opportunity to focus all our attention on our children do not happen every day. Remember those specific moments, the impressions of which remain with the child for life. That moment when Rick tried to kiss his father 50 times was just such a priceless moment. If his father had positively tuned in and taken these few minutes alone with his son as a holiday, Rick (if he lived) would remember these moments of tenderness all his life, especially during a period of teenage confrontation, when he would be tempted to rebel against the values of his parents . However, if Rick had not died, he certainly would never have forgotten the pain, humiliation and suffering of that moment.
And here is another story, a living illustration of how differently parents and children see the same situation. The father of a great humanist described in his diary how he spent a whole day fishing with his son. The father complained that the day was «wasted» because «the son seemed to be bored, immersed in his thoughts and hardly spoke.» The father even wrote that he was unlikely to go fishing with his son again. Many years later, a historian discovered these records. It was interesting to compare them with the corresponding entries in the son’s diary, where he wrote: “What a wonderful day! All the time alone with my father. The son described how important and significant this day was for him.
Purpose of close attention
What defines close attention? «I’m all alone with my mom (dad).» «She (he) is only with me.» “At this moment I am the most important thing in the world for my mom (dad)” — this is what the child should feel at this moment, this is what is the goal of close attention.
Close attention is not just something that you enjoy and that you give to your child, if time permits, it is a vital and urgent need of every child. How a child will look at himself, how to evaluate, how he is accepted by the world around him — all this is determined by how this emotional need is satisfied by his loved ones. Not getting enough close attention, the child experiences anxiety, because he feels that everything in the world is more important than him. As a result, the child does not feel safe, thereby disrupting his emotional and mental development. Such a child can be easily singled out in a kindergarten or school. It is less developed than children whose parents make time to meet their emotional needs. This unhappy child is usually more withdrawn, it is more difficult for him to communicate with peers. He copes worse with any conflict situation, reacting poorly and slowly to unpredictable events. He is completely dependent on the teacher or other adults with whom he interacts.
Some children, especially girls, who are deprived of the close attention of their fathers, seem very different. They are very talkative, able to deftly manipulate people, stand out for their liveliness, often childishly seductive, they are usually considered developed beyond their years, ahead of their peers, mature for their age (kindergarten and first grades of school). But as they grow, this type of behavior does not change and gradually becomes inadequate. By the third or fourth grade, they become unbearable and irritate both teachers and peers. However, even at such a late stage, close attention, especially from the father, can largely compensate for their self-destructive behavior, reduce anxiety, free them for internal growth and maturation.
How to give your child close attention
Now that we have seen how vital it is to pay close attention to each child, let’s discuss how to achieve this. The best way, as I personally have seen, is to find time to be alone with the child. I swear, you immediately thought how difficult it is to do this in practice. You’re right. Finding time to be alone with your child, without being distracted by anything, is, in my opinion, the most difficult thing in a full-fledged upbringing. It can be said that this is what distinguishes real parents from ordinary ones, altruists from egoists, caring from indifferent, those who have determined that family is the most important thing for him, from those who are under the heel of the tyranny of urgency.
Let’s face the truth: good parenting takes time. In our hyperactive society, it’s so hard to find time to socialize, especially if the kids are TV freaks. All the more reason why close attention is so vital to them. More than at any other time in the history of the family, children are being influenced by forces that, though outside the family circle, are in fact invading the inner sanctuary. Parent friends, it takes a tremendous amount of effort for us to carve out time from our busy life schedules, but it pays off! To see your child happy and self-confident, a child who gets along well with peers and adults, learns with pleasure, behaves well — what a reward for parents! But trust me, parent friends, it doesn’t happen by itself. You have to be able to pay the price for it. We must find time to be alone with each child.
It is also difficult for me personally to find a “crack” in time for my children, I am so busy. But I try to carve out every free minute for communication. For example, my daughter used to work on Mondays at a studio not far from my work. I scheduled the time so that I would pick her up after class, and we would have dinner together at a restaurant. It was a wonderful time: no one interfered with us, no one pressured us, and I could completely concentrate my attention on her and listen to everything she wanted to talk about. Only if you calmly, kindly, without any falsehood and tension communicate with the child, your relationship with him becomes trusting and sincere, persistent and leaves an indelible mark on the soul of the child for all subsequent years, that is, such that the child urgently needs to courageously confront the difficulties of becoming a person.
It is these intimate memories that rise in a person’s memory when life’s troubles pile on him. It is moments like these that warm the soul with memories when life makes its difficult demands, especially in the hectic years of turbulent teenage conflicts and a natural desire for independence. It is in moments of close attention that parents have a special opportunity for additional eye contact and physical contact with their child. Eye contact and physical contact reinforce the importance of close attention and have a deeper impact on a child’s life.
Of course, when there are several children in a family, it is much more difficult to find time to pay close attention to each. I remember counseling a seven year old girl who was having a lot of trouble at school and at home. Problems with studies, conflicts with peers, strife with siblings in the family, and immature behavior. You probably already guessed what it is. She had nine siblings, and her poor parents didn’t have enough time to give her the attention she needed.
They could not even imagine that the girl was suffering from a lack of attention, since all the other children had no problems. The family had their own farm. All day long, the adults and the older children with them worked tirelessly: they milked the cows, fed the goats, plowed the land — there was a lot to do, and the parents spent enough time with each of the older children who helped them with the housework. Because of her age, this girl involuntarily did not participate in any work, she was alone all the time and suffered, deprived of the attention of her parents. She felt that she was not loved and neglected. Although her parents loved her very much, the girl did not feel this and therefore was not sure of their love.
Close attention in the presence of others
We told and emphasized that it is better to pay close attention to the child in private, when other family members are absent. However, there are situations when it is necessary to concentrate on one child completely, although the whole family is together. This is especially important if the child is sick or has trouble at school, a fight with a friend, grief, or some other painful experience that causes psychological regression. Regression, from my point of view, means that a person has poor control over his behavior or does not control his feelings.
I’ll give you an example. Parents came to my appointment seriously concerned about the behavior of their 12-year-old son Tim. Tim’s cousin came to live with them, his age, a very demanding and noisy boy who completely beat Tim’s quietness. Tim suffered so much from the onslaught of his brother, who completely suppressed him, that he fell into depression, became so isolated that sometimes he didn’t even communicate with anyone for days on end.
I advised, of course, to pay close attention to both boys, but separately. However, the brother still continued to dramatically dominate Tim when the boys were together. Then, following my advice, the parents found the next way out of the difficult situation. When Tim spoke, his parents concentrated their attention completely on him, kindly and kindly looked into his eyes, gently touched him and, if it was convenient, tried to help him in every possible way. When it was the turn of the brother, the parents, respectively, switched to him.
This type of close attention usually works well if the parents give the child a lot of attention when they are alone with the child. In the same way, I taught teachers these simple principles, which have fundamentally changed the entire process of learning and perception of each student.
Close attention takes time, is difficult to maintain consistently, and is very burdensome for already exhausted parents. But close attention is the most powerful means of constantly replenishing the child’s emotional reservoir and ensuring its full development in the future.
Discipline
I often give lectures on the relationship between parents and children. Usually I devote the first three or four sessions to how to love a child, and only then the question of discipline is discussed. Inevitably, my parents tell me almost immediately, “I actually liked the lectures, but when are we finally going to get into discipline? We are having difficulty with this and would like some advice.» See →