Society labeled anger as a «bad feeling» and forbade it from being shown. And very in vain. Anger may be necessary for understanding yourself and the current situation. It can also show us the way to a happier life. How exactly? Psychologist Anna Sokolova talks about the wisdom of anger.
Few emotions are as important to our lives and well-being as anger. And just as few emotions have such a bad reputation. Since childhood, many have heard: «It’s not good to be angry», «Don’t be angry», which actually meant: «Stop feeling what you feel.»
And this is impossible on the one hand, and on the other hand, it gives the child a false message that some kind of emotion is bad (so don’t tell your children that).
It’s an emotion
One of the main reasons why we have been told that this is bad, and why we are afraid of our own anger and aggression, is that we equate emotion and the way it is expressed.
For many, «angry» means yelling, attacking, blaming, making claims. But these are all actions.
And to be angry is to feel. First of all, notice what sensations in the body this emotion causes. Anger, in particular, can manifest itself as follows: the heartbeat rises, muscles are mobilized, and it pours heat inside.
We all feel it and understand that the fever is not due to the fact that we have a cold. Then we can fully realize our anger. But why is it so important to feel it?
Anger is a message to us, a warning signal: “Be careful, something bad is happening to you. Someone is breaking your boundaries.» If we hear this signal, feel this emotion, then we get the necessary energy to protect ourselves and defend our interests.
What are the dangers of suppressing anger?
Here’s what happens if we regularly suppress anger and “don’t get angry”:
• We do not hear this internal signal of danger, we cannot adequately assess the situation and protect ourselves.
• We become lethargic, lethargic and depressed. For any suppression of emotions requires the expenditure of psychic energy.
• We turn our anger against ourselves. Self-blame, self-criticism, self-deprecating thoughts are sure signs. This is the slow destruction of yourself and your life from the inside.
Everyone also knows that repressed emotions cause great harm to physical health.
love your anger
Therefore, it is very important to make friends with your anger and aggression. What does it mean? Let’s understand in more detail.
There is a big difference between a person who screams beside himself with anger, and who does not scream, but realizes: «I’m very angry right now.»
The ability to feel anger within yourself, at the level of bodily sensations, and NOT spit it out immediately is an important skill that is worth developing. How many relationships would have been saved, how many quarrels would not have happened, how many offensive words would not have been said, which they later bitterly regretted.
Rule No. 1 when expressing anger, it is to take a PAUSE when emotions are at their peak. At this moment, we are still not able to think clearly and understand what happened at all.
First, we need to take a deep breath and understand for ourselves this inner emotional message: where our boundaries have been violated, our self-esteem has been hit, or our interests have been infringed. And when we understand this and calm down a bit, we will be ready to express our anger.
Here comes the most important thing.
Rule # 2: anger should be used not for attack, but for self-defense. An attack is when all our statements begin with the word «YOU».
«You never listen to me.»
«You don’t care about my interests.»
«All you know is to stare at your computer.»
«You are selfish.»
An attack is when we criticize, accuse, give assessments, make claims. And this form of expressing anger has sad consequences. In response to the attack, the other person also rises in anger, and if he also starts to attack, then a quarrel and a long bad mood for both are almost inevitable.
When we express anger in a healthy way, we use it to protect ourselves and define our boundaries. And then we start the conversation with the word «I». We do not evaluate the other and do not characterize it. We talk about ourselves and the facts that have happened that violate our boundaries or interests.
«I’m not ready to talk when you raise your voice at me.»
«I was very angry when you violated our agreements.»
«I don’t like it when you discuss my parents in the company of our friends.»
In other words, we denote our feelings and attitude to the actions of the other side. And then we can offer a constructive solution to the situation: «Let’s move our conversation and continue when we both calm down», or «let’s agree that …», «I would like you to …»
In this case, the other person will not feel the attack from your side, and then he will not need to defend himself or attack in response. And the likelihood that you can hear about each other’s needs and peacefully resolve the disagreement that has arisen is much higher. At least worth a try.