A child can be compared to a mirror. He reflects love, but does not begin to love first. If children are given love, they return it. If nothing is given to them, they have nothing to give back. Unconditional love is reflected unconditionally, and conditional love returns depending on certain conditions.
The love between Tom and his parents is just an example of a conditional relationship. As Tom grew up, he longed for a closer and warmer relationship with his parents. Unfortunately, his parents felt they had to constantly push him to get better, and avoided praise, warmth, and affection, unless he actually did a great job and they were proud of him. In other cases, the parents were strict because they believed that too much praise and approval would spoil the child and dampen his desire to be better. They showed their love when Tom behaved wonderfully, and the rest of the time they were withdrawn and reserved. Perhaps it worked well when Tom was little. With age, he got the feeling that he was not loved and appreciated for who he is, that his parents were more concerned about their prestige and appreciation.
When Tom became a teenager, his love for his parents was a mirror image of their love for him. He learned very well to love them with conditional love. He behaved in such a way that his parents were pleased with him, but only in those cases when he needed something from his parents that would give him pleasure. Of course, since Tom and his parents played this game, no one could express their love for the other, because they were waiting for the other to do something nice for him. In this situation, each member of the family became more and more frustrated, confused, puzzled. As a result, an atmosphere of depression, anger and resentment was created in the house, which forced the Smiths to seek help.
How would you deal with this situation? Some will begin to teach parents: they should demand respect, obedience from their son, etc. Others will begin to criticize Tom for his attitude towards his parents, demand that he treat them with respect. And some will even insist on severe punishment of Tom. What do you think about this?
Many children these days do not feel that their parents truly love them. And besides, I met parents who really do not love their children. So it’s not just an academic question to think about and shake your head, «How bad!» The situation is very worrying.
Dozens of religious sects or mysterious gangs and factions are capturing the minds of many beautiful teenagers across the country. How is it that these children are brainwashed with such dexterity, turning them against their parents and all sorts of authorities and authorities, subjecting them to all sorts of eccentric doctrines? The main reason is that these teenagers never felt the sincere love and care of their parents. They feel that they were deprived of something important, that their parents missed the chance to give them something vital. What is this? Yes, yes, it is unconditional, unconditional love. When you consider how few children feel loved, comforted, cared for regardless of any faults in their behavior, it is not surprising how far these gangs of teenagers can go!
Why does this terrible situation exist? When I talk to parents, I am grateful to see that most not only love their children, but are genuinely interested in learning what can be done to help all children. And again and again I am convinced: the problem is that parents do not know how to express their love for children.
How to convey love
Let’s discuss how to express your love for your child. Children are emotional beings who communicate on an emotional level. In addition, children (and the smaller they are, the more) show us their feelings by their behavior. Just by carefully observing the child, you can easily determine what he feels and what mood he is in. In the same way, children have an uncanny ability to recognize our feelings from our behavior, an ability that most lose as adults.
Very often, my sixteen-year-old daughter would ask, «What are you angry about, dad?» when I didn’t realize on a conscious level that I really felt that way. But when I thought about it and analyzed my feelings, it turned out that she was absolutely right. Children are designed that way. They can very sensitively pick up what we feel by the way we behave. So, if we want children to know and understand how much we love them, we must behave accordingly, expressing our tender feelings in action.
The purpose of this work is to analyze how loving parents can put their tender feelings into action. Only in this way can they convey their love for the child, so that he feels that he is loved, fully accepted and respected, and then he can love and respect himself. As a consequence, parents will be able to help their children learn to love others unconditionally, especially their future spouses and children.
But there is one basic premise that must be taken into account before all discussions about modes of expression. We must take it for granted that parents really love their child and really want to put into practice what they learn here. There is a definite difference between a vague warm feeling towards a child and a deep concern and desire to sacrifice everything that is necessary to maximize the satisfaction of his interests. It’s pretty pointless to continue reading an article if you don’t want to seriously think about it, understand it, and apply its recommendations.
Ways to express love for a child can be classified into four types:
- Eye contact
- physical contact
- Close attention
- Discipline
Each area is fundamentally important. Many parents (and influencers) focus on one or two areas while neglecting others. The role of discipline is overemphasized these days, to the point of completely neglecting all other areas.
I have met many children from respectable families in which the children were disciplined, but did not feel surrounded by love. In most of these cases, the parents unfortunately confused discipline with punishment, as if they were synonyms. Every day I meet with the sad results of this approach to education. These children behave quite decently while they are still small, however, they are usually too quiet, a little gloomy and withdrawn. They lack the spontaneity, curiosity, and childish exuberance of joy that is in full swing — all that is characteristic of a child who grew up in an atmosphere of love.
It is those children who lack an emotional connection with their parents who become «difficult» teenagers. Therefore, we as parents must focus our attention on all aspects of showing love to our child. Let’s first discuss the first way, which is eye to eye contact.
Eye contact
When you first think about eye contact, it may not seem like a big deal to your child. However, as we as professionals work with children, observe the relationship between children and parents, study the data obtained by researchers, we realize how essential eye contact plays. An open, natural, friendly look directly into the eyes of a child is essential not only to establish a good communication interaction with him, but also to satisfy his emotional needs. See →
physical contact
It would seem that the easiest way to express your love for a child is with a gentle touch. However, it is a startling fact that studies have shown that most parents touch their children only when necessary: helping them get dressed, get into the car, etc. to your child. See →
Close attention
Eye-to-eye contact and physical contact rarely require genuine sacrifice from the parents. At the same time, close attention takes time and sometimes even a very significant one. This can mean that often parents are forced to give up activities and pleasures that they prefer at the moment. Loving parents will have to face the fact that in some cases their child desperately, more than anything, needs their undivided attention at the very moment when they are least inclined to give it. See →
Discipline
I often give lectures on the relationship between parents and children. Usually I devote the first three or four sessions to how to love a child, and only then the question of discipline is discussed. Inevitably, my parents tell me almost immediately, “I actually liked the lectures, but when are we finally going to get into discipline? We are having difficulty with this and would like some advice.» See →