How to live with a seducer

“I have been living with Viktor for fifteen years,” says 52-year-old Natalia. “He is over sixty, but as soon as he notices a woman, he tries to attract her attention, follows her with his eyes. It’s stronger than him. Just yesterday he spoke on the phone: the voice is the most charming — and he only called the delivery service! It happens that we meet men and women who love to charm, arouse interest in themselves, attract attention. Seducers enliven the atmosphere of friendly feasts, manage to chat the most obnoxious interlocutors, brilliantly negotiate discounts for themselves at a car service and successfully resolve conflicts between relatives. What explains such behavior at a deep level? According to existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova, seduction is a special way to exist in the world and communicate with people. It means «doing everything to please others, no matter how deep down you feel for them.» Natalya, by the way, is not worried. She is convinced that her life partner wants to look “nice and attentive, to be looked at with sympathy. He has no other goals.» Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov identifies two types of seducers. The former seduce unintentionally, it is something like a side effect of their desire to help and be useful. The second one needs recognition like air.

Be useful

Nifont Dolgopolov recalls the old word «amiable» — it is it that best characterizes the behavior of a seducer of the first type. “These are those who from childhood were instilled with the habit of making others pleasant. They are focused on others, they try to make them feel good. They smile, make gifts, serve fallen things. Their motto is «to serve» or «to benefit». And if, in addition to such upbringing, they also have a personal charm, then everyone around them is delighted. But for them, first of all, something else is important: they get satisfaction from the fact that they can help. Their own value in their view is directly related to what they have done for others, but their seductiveness is devoid of narcissism. The admiration of those around him is pleasant, but not necessary — a feeling of “I am needed!” is enough. They are not tormented if they have no reason to render a service, but they will do it at the first opportunity. It is sometimes not easy with such a partner: his willingness to “serve people” can cause jealousy. His loved ones have no chance of always being in the first place: he sometimes (or often) considers the needs of others to be more important. But he never makes his partner suffer on purpose in order to be convinced once again of his worth. And his sincere altruism, as a rule, causes sympathy.

Thirst for recognition

Seducers of the second type seek recognition. They “need to see admiration in other people’s eyes,” continues Nifont Dolgopolov. “They do it in different ways. They are elegant, witty, they like to make grandiose gifts, so that not only the donee, but everyone around gasped. They are enchanting, festive, and they need an audience that can appreciate this holiday.” However, they often suffer from disguised self-doubt.

“The unbridled desire to please is based on narcissistic weakness, on an insatiable dependence on the gaze of another person,” explains psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “This is the thirst of a child who performs his first feats for the approval of his mother.” For someone who shares life with such an outward-looking partner, building a lasting union is no easy task. “Deceivers often give the impression (not necessarily false) of people who want to get away. And this brings the other into a state of frustration,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “After all, in the art of seduction, the main thing is to be able to end relationships before they lose their secret both for the other and for themselves. And when we notice that a seduction technique that once won us over is now being applied to others, it can be very painful.”

A partner in search of… dissatisfaction

When one of the two uses their charm to make the other suffer, make him weaker, more vulnerable, a relationship of power and submission can be established between them, sometimes even with a touch of sadomasochism. 37-year-old Elena was very slow to realize that her partner sucked all the juice out of her, completely depriving her of power over her own life: “At first it was fun and raised my self-esteem,” she recalls. — After the wedding, my husband still continued to seduce me, and for a long time we experienced real passion. But one day I realized that I was left alone, that I no longer had friends, that I allowed him to completely subordinate me to his will. He alienated me from all my surroundings, demanding that my whole life revolve around him, his desires and needs, and, of course, without any reciprocity. He got his way, got me completely at his disposal and now neglected me, preferring to shine in front of others. This is the hallmark of narcissistic seducers: they need an audience and applause. “They live in presentation mode,” notes Nifont Dolgopolov, “and one spectator is not enough for them.” Svetlana Krivtsova is convinced that «if we choose a seducer as our partner, we must not only come to terms with the fact that we will experience dissatisfaction, but also understand that we ourselves … unconsciously strive for this.» Feeling rejected can, oddly enough, satisfy our own narcissistic need. “Narcissism has two sides, two extremes,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov. “It can manifest itself not only in striving for greatness, but also in self-deprecation, in the consciousness of one’s great sacrifice.” The inaccessibility of the other can also be an exciting factor. Nifont Dolgopolov compares this state with hunting: “I get involved in the chase like a hunter who sees that the game is about to escape, and at the same time understands that this is a luxurious game and does not want to miss it.”

Can they change?

People with narcissistic traits cause a lot of pain to loved ones, make only superficial connections, and most psychologists agree that it is impossible to remake them. Only very few seducers are able to change for the sake of the one with whom they share their life. 32-year-old Ekaterina stopped frivolously fluttering to save her couple: “I have always liked the game of seduction. Anton endured, but his patience was already running out. He became aggressive, behaved with me coldly and hostilely, and in fact I was once bribed just by his gentleness, attention to me, desire to spend evenings with me alone. Once I complained to a friend, and she replied: “Don’t you see that he can’t stand it when you shoot your eyes right and left? This is humiliating and rude towards him.” It was like a piano was dropped on my head. I asked myself how I would feel if he behaved this way. And I hurt for him. I immediately stopped my tricks in order to regain at home what I was looking for on the side.

Chance to reach understanding

38-year-old Maria has always loved to surround herself with seducers. Her best friend is a «femme fatale», her previous partner was also a seducer, like her current husband Leo, the father of her three-year-old daughter. “With Mikhail, my previous lover, I suffered because he refused to admit that he liked to charm everyone, to be irresistible. But his friends and family also told him about it. But because he kept denying it, I eventually lost confidence in him. With Leo, who dissolves his charm with every counter-cross, it is also not always easy. I always have to fight for my special place next to him. And of course I’m jealous. It saved us that we talked about it. He sincerely did not realize this, but he managed to recognize his behavior and take a step towards me: he calmed me down and became more attentive to me. This conversation showed how attached we are to each other, and after that everything changed. This is a delicate matter. But if there is a clear agreement between the partners, accepted by both, seduction can become the driving force of desire. According to Svetlana Krivtsova, seducers are often people “very creative, they can do a great job to keep the flame of feeling alive.” And life with such a partner can paradoxically increase self-esteem: “It’s flattering for me that Victor is still interested in women and is of interest to them himself: after all, I remain the only one who knows his real one,” Natalya believes. “But the first time he cheats, I won’t hesitate to pack my things and just leave…”