Yesterday my son was playing with toys on the floor, and today he says in a bass voice that he will not spend the night at home. This turning point is experienced by mothers hard. Some sons can’t get out of the nest and live under their mother’s wing when they are already well over 30. When is it time to let the children go? And what happens if you don’t?
“Child 16, I am sad… The night before, my son handed me forms from the draft board. In the morning I read the instructions for mothers of growing sons. «Get ready to be a mother-in-law.» And on TV they play ads for cars and a luminous highway … No, I’m not ready for him to grow up. I haven’t played enough with him yet, ”a young woman published such a by no means congratulatory post on the social network. And next to it is a sad crying emoticon.
Why is it so hard for mothers to let go of grown children? What does it mean to be «prepared» for a child to grow up? And what is fraught with excessive attachment to adult children?
Why did mom give birth?
“This happens if initially the mother did not have the task of raising a child for the world, but had some other task: for example, to give birth for herself and with his help solve some of her problems,” explains psychotherapist Ilya Suslov. — In my experience, such mothers have big problems with their spouse. Either they have a distant, cold relationship, or there is no husband at all. Often such mothers raise their son as a substitute for a husband: they try to “train” the boy in a way that they could not do with a partner.
Often in such a relationship, the son is assigned the role of a functional husband — a rescuer, «pityer», «helper». Sometimes mother and son change roles and the boy becomes a «parent» to his own mother.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya has a thesis that parents should raise a child in such a way that by the age of 20 they will become unnecessary to him. And this is the main wisdom: to grow an independent person who is able to enter the adult world without a mother’s umbilical cord.
“In this story, we see that my mother does not even have such a thought in her head. She needs a son for some reason. Sometimes this need is recognized — for example, the son helps with the housework. And sometimes the need for a grown son is hidden at an unconscious level: it is important for a mother to receive warmth, acceptance, love, to be in a relationship.
One of the biggest wake-up calls for parents is the absence of teenage rebellion. So something is going wrong
The son can also be the object of care, need and indispensability of the mother. Often mothers do not realize that they have “some kind of different” relationship with their son. What bells should parents pay attention to?
Survive crises in time
For a healthy relationship between mother and child, it is important that he goes through all planned developmental crises consistently. There are several of them until they grow up. All age crises are aimed at separating the child.
At six months, teeth appear, he bites his mother’s breast, hurts her, for the first time their symbiosis is violated. At the age of one, he begins to move away from his mother, and her anxiety grows: how is it — the son has crawled somewhere away from her. At the age of three, he says: «Mom, I myself.»
At the age of 7, physical separation occurs, when the child spends more and more time without his mother at school. There he meets other adults and discovers that the teacher Elena Ivanovna is fairer or smarter than her mother.
And, finally, the most serious separation crisis occurs at the age of 12-15. “I am an adult, I know more than you, I will be more successful than you, you don’t understand me,” the teenager says to his parents.
“At each stage, you need to let go of the reins so that the child feels more freedom and more responsibility for his life. One of the biggest wake-up calls for parents is the absence of teenage rebellion. So something is going wrong. Protests during puberty can be in different ways, it does not have to be leaving home, alcohol and drugs, rudeness. But at this age, a teenager shows, gropes for self-will: «I will do it my own way anyway.»
It is through these events that the initiation into adulthood takes place. And mothers should endure and accept these hormonal surges, attempts to become adults, and not suppress them, ”explains Ilya Suslov.
Perhaps the father can help in a healthy separation? “Yes, the role of the father, if he exists and he is not weak-willed, is important. If there is mutual love, communication between parents, then the mother does not have to focus on her son. Mom has an interest in her own development, achieving her goals, getting pleasure.
It is by the age of 40 that midlife crises occur in parents. Then you can start a new business, try a new passion or hobby. In a word, mom should take care of herself and relationships with a man more.
If there is no partner, then it is worth considering why. You need to engage in self-development and make efforts to meet him, and not replace marital, partnership relations with relations with a maturing son.
Jealousy for daughters and daughters-in-law
Is there a difference between letting go of a daughter and a son? It all depends on how many children are in the family and what functions are assigned to them, the psychotherapist believes.
“In my practice, there were cases of problematic separation of both sons and daughters. The son usually has a load in the form of male functions — a protector, a breadwinner, a master. The daughter is often the comforter. I was approached by daughters who at one time did not survive puberty. They did not fight with their mother and now, as adults, they could not leave her, they constantly visited or even lived with her, without building their own female life.
Such mothers, who are in love with their own sons, regard the daughter-in-law as a lover, rival
Often these non-rebellious children, in their 30s or 40s, come to see a psychologist and learn to grow up to take charge of their lives through psychotherapy. Sometimes parents come: they say, a son or daughter at the age of 35 suddenly starts to be rude. “I congratulate them: finally, their boy or girl is growing up, being initiated into adulthood.”
“There is a moment of jealousy of the mother to the woman of the son. There is also jealousy towards the daughter, that she is passionate about someone else. From the point of view of gender identity, jealousy for a son who is infatuated with a woman younger than his mother is stronger. This is just a fairy tale with its legendary phrase “Who in the world is sweeter, all blush and whiter?”. This is a tale of jealousy for a stepdaughter, a daughter. The mother wakes up with rage and a desire to “kill” a competitor.
I have come across phenomena when a 60-year-old mother-in-law approached her 40-year-old daughter-in-law, who already has her own children, and hissed at her that she still could not forgive her for taking her son away from her. Such mothers, who are in love with their own sons, regard the daughter-in-law as a lover, a rival.
These mothers hold their sons very tightly, they manipulate them. Since childhood, guilt has been piled on the sons (“Everything for you”, “I gave my youth for you”). And it’s very hard for boys to leave.
Wife or mother?
The absence of a struggle with the mother during adolescence may later manifest itself in other ways: for example, husbands practice «strength techniques» on their wives, venting their repressed anger at their mother. “Everyone wants to be adults and independent, unmanifested anger at the mother sits deep inside. Sons cannot show her mother, but her wife can easily. And they pour out the accumulated rage on their partners, ”explains Ilya Suslov.
Often there are cases of conformism, when the son adjusts and bends both to his mother and to his wife. And then there is a battle between a strong wife and a strong mother — who will beat off whom. The already undergrown, dependent guy is pulled apart by both women.
“I ask clients a very tough question: suppose your wife and mother are drowning — who will you run to save? You should have seen the agony of choice on their face. They understand that the correct answer is wife. But they cannot “leave” their mother either. They even get headaches. But there is a gospel phrase: «Let the son leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and be one flesh.» There is also a parable about a swallow. Saving chicks from a fire, she can only carry one cub. And she saves the one who promises that he himself will save his chicks.
For living beings, for the continuation of the evolutionary program, it is important to procreate. Children are our investment. But children should “give dividends” not to their parents, but to their children, the psychotherapist is convinced.
let go of the reins
As a rule, such “too loving mothers” do not notice any problems in themselves. More often they see that something is not right with their son: he suffers from addictions, does nothing, sits at home, plays computer all day, he does not have relationships with women. They themselves are the victim.
They suffer, they carry the cross, their friends ask: how, they say, did yours never find a job or a woman? How sad. But it is to some extent beneficial for such mothers to have a dependent son: then they will not be engaged in their own life, their development, search and relationship with a man. These tasks are much more complex, they require strength, awareness, courage. Managing her son’s life in this sense requires much less pain and investment from a woman (although it seems that the opposite is true).
It is important at any age of a child to see him as a person, and not a puppet to satisfy his own ambitions.
There is also such a powerful maternal anxiety that the mother is afraid to let her son or daughter out into the world — it’s better to stay at home under control, but she doesn’t worry.
“Mom needs to let go of the reins, but it is important not to drop them immediately. And you need to understand the reasons for your wrong actions. If a child is infantile, incapable of adult independent life, he will have to grow up, as in an incubator, — the psychologist explains, — but everything is individual, unique in each case. I have come across situations where it is beneficial for the most adult child not to detach himself from his mother.
How do mothers prepare for growing up children? The most important thing, according to Ilya Suslov, is to understand that she did not give birth to him for herself. Not for him to fulfill some of her mission — to help her feel like a full-fledged woman, to follow in her footsteps or to realize what she herself did not succeed. Or it must execute some kind of generic program.
“We are giving birth to a child for the world, and our task is to do everything so that he grows up physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. Try to look for his talents, talents. Create an atmosphere for these talents to develop. And gradually let him go, teaching him everything that will allow him to find his way.
By the age of 18, by a maximum of 20, a son or daughter should mature and not be afraid of adulthood. And it is important at any age of the child to see him as a person, and not a puppet to satisfy his own ambitions. And respect his choices and decisions.