Anger is an emotion that prevents us from living, especially if it gets out of control. And yet, sometimes it is necessary to splash out irritation. The main thing is to learn how to control this process.
Not everyone knows how to cope with this reaction to external stimuli: we have not been taught this. Remember: when you were angry at something as a child, your parents sent you to your room to “recover yourself.” Bottom line: many do not even know how to recognize this emotion and understand the scale of the disaster only when the situation gets out of control.
“We get angry when someone or something goes against our values, beliefs, and attitudes,” explains psychologist Mark Pistorio, author of The Wisdom of Our Anger. Anger is a weapon that helps both defend and attack. The reaction starts in the body: the cheeks turn red, the blood pressure rises, the heart beats faster, the muscles tense up. You need to be more attentive to these signals and, when they appear, try to calm down, not to speak or do anything. Amid anger, our higher intellectual functions “fall asleep” – we momentarily lose access to our mind and logic.
Double-edged emotion
Sometimes anger is perceived positively and even encouraged. “This happens when it helps to stand up to injustice, rally against a common enemy, or defend certain values,” says sociologist Eric Gagnon, author of Outbursts: Images of Anger, in which he explores attitudes towards this emotion in Western culture.
But in addition to admiration, anger can cause fear, frustration, frustration, and an even stronger response. How others perceive an outburst of rage depends on many factors, including your personality.
Amid anger, our higher intellectual functions “fall asleep” – we momentarily lose access to our mind and logic.
“Many associate anger with uncontrolled aggression and violence,” adds Eric Gagnon, and explains that at all times people had to be able to restrain their emotions; otherwise it would be impossible to live in society.
“When an emotional outburst is inappropriate (even if it is fair and logical), it is perceived negatively,” says Mark Pistorio.
For psychologists, anger is an alarm signal, an overreaction to a certain situation. Sometimes such an outbreak is better than an unresolved conflict that will smolder for a long time. However, if such “fires” flare up too often, action must be taken.
Two sexes – two angers
“Men and women perceive and experience anger differently,” says psychologist Ann Campbell. – Women associate it with a loss of self-control and very often feel guilty if they broke down on their children, spouse or colleagues. Men, on the other hand, perceive anger as a way to defend their case and prove superiority.
Scientists have found that men quickly move from words to deeds, that is, to physical aggression. Women often just scream and cry. “Although some perceive tears as a means of manipulation, this reaction helps to quickly relieve the tension caused by anger,” the psychologist explains.
Men perceive anger as a way to defend their case and prove superiority.
Why is women’s anger perceived differently than men’s? For a long time, ladies in the family and society were prescribed to be submissive, well-mannered, affable and silent. Only a few dared to express their opinion openly. The display of emotions by a woman in public goes against this vestige.
Women who allow themselves emotional outbursts at work lose points in the eyes of colleagues. They are called unbalanced, hysterical, etc. For example, in 2006, the chairman of the US Republican National Committee said on a TV show that Hillary Clinton was “too emotional to be president.”
While the behavior of a man in similar situations, on the contrary, is interpreted positively. According to a University of Arizona study published in 2015, an angry woman is taken less seriously than a man. After all, it is believed that the representatives of the fair half are naturally more emotionally unstable, which means they can “get upset because of any nonsense.”
Mark Pistorio believes that this perception will change: “Anger that does harm is always bad. It doesn’t matter who the source is – a man or a woman.
In the name of love
A bad peace is better than a good quarrel. This folk wisdom is not always true, especially when it comes to relationships between a man and a woman. Unspoken grievances and mutual dissatisfaction lead to the fact that people move away from each other. Suppressed anger causes stress.
The more we delve into our feelings by talking to ourselves, the more our resentment grows. As a result, we are more inflamed
No need to close yourself in a room alone and sob into the pillow, winding yourself up even more. But do not rush at each other with accusations on the first occasion. Take a break, think about the situation and talk about your emotions to your partner.
“You don’t have to keep everything to yourself. This is especially true for women, says Ann Campbell. – After all, the more we delve into our feelings, talking to ourselves, the more our resentment grows. As a result, instead of extinguishing the outbreak, we become more inflamed.”
The art of getting angry
Fortunately, you can learn to control your emotions. And if you find it difficult to control your anger or find the right words, don’t panic: the more you practice, the better you will get.
“First, learn to pause to calm down,” advises Mark Pistorio. – Then try to calmly formulate what annoys you, worries or does not suit you. We also need to consider factors that make us more emotional and irritable: stress, fatigue, anxiety.”
Because of them, we break down on the children who always disobey us, or on the driver who blocked the exit from the yard. Consider if they are the real cause of your condition. And will you be better off if you lash out at them?
Anger becomes a problem if it:
- inadequate to the situation;
- outbreaks happen too often and affect the quality of life;
- caused by something that happened a long time ago;
- leads to assault, harms the health or property of you or others;
- damages work.
- destroys relationships with loved ones;
- makes you feel weak and sick.
In all these cases, it is necessary to discuss the problem with a specialist.